Sex Expert Melanie Curtain: Masculinity & Why 90% of Women are UNSATISFIED With Men's Sex

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up guys? Thanks for tuning in to another episode and I got a really special one for you today. Today I was fortunate enough to interview Melanie Curtin from the Dear Men Podcast. As in, Dear Men, you guys are all a bunch of idiots. Just kidding. We're not all idiots, just most of us are. During this interview we talk about masculinity and why the nice guy always gets blown out by girls and gets put in the friend zone.

0:46 As well as why the bad boy can have sex but he often can't keep a girl's interest and loses her after a certain amount of time. This is a really interesting section that you should stay tuned for. She's going to help you get calibrated, dialed in so that you're in the perfect symmetry of being the nice guy and the bad boy to keep her ridiculously attracted to you. But still you can treat her like gold. Now here's the best part of this interview. I'm super fired up about this.

1:14 She also talks about sex and she's interviewed thousands of women, literally thousands of women and got the inside scoop onto why most women are disappointed with men and why that is and what we can do to fix it. So make sure you stick around until the end of that. This is great information guys. You're really going to enjoy it. It's really going to improve your success with both becoming a masculine man that's attractive to women on both the nice guy and bad boy levels as well as being able to satisfy a woman in bed.

1:45 And like I always say, make her look like a screaming demon that just got hit with a tornado. All right. Without further ado, Melanie Curtin. What's up, guys? It's Mark Singh from the UMP. Thank you so much for joining us today. I am here today with Melanie Curtin. She is the host of the Dear Men podcast and my first female guest I've had on the Unapologetic Man podcast. I feel so special. I finally did it. I was finally able to convince a woman to come on the show.

2:13 I mean, rejection after rejection. And finally, you know, it did take a sizable check that I had to write to her, but she finally agreed to it. And here you are. What's up, Melanie? How are you doing? Glad to be here. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. I do feel special. I'm going to say it. I do feel special. Oh, well, I feel special to have you on here. So I do appreciate the time today. All right. So the reason I wanted to interview you today is because you've done an immense amount of research both into masculinity and sexuality.

2:44 And when we were talking the other day, you gave some amazing facts about sexuality and you have this really cool flow chart about how masculinity works. So why don't we dip into the masculinity part first? And why don't you explain to our guests kind of the research that you've done, your theory on it and how that all works? I find this extremely interesting and I think it's going to be really beneficial for my guys. Cool. Yeah. So I work with men. I'm a coach and I've been doing it for quite a while and I've noticed certain archetypes.

3:15 And basically there are two main energetics that I see in men. One is the heart and the other is the cock. And I'm talking about energies, so not just like his physical penis or his physical heart, but heart energy is like the ability to connect. It's the ability to be a bit softer, more attuned, friendship, you know, softness. And then cock energy is like the ability to drive forward, to go after what you want. It's pioneering energy. These sort of map to the ancient energies of yin yang, but I like to keep it simple in the here and now of like heart energy and cock energy.

3:55 And if you kind of imagine like a chart where the x-axis is the heart and the y-axis is cock energy, you can kind of map and see where different men fall. And so a man who has a lot of heart energy and not a lot of cock energy is, he's going to get first dates. He's not going to get a lot of second dates. He's not really going to be able to generate a lot of polarity or sexual energy. He's not necessarily going to be going after a lot of what he wants in his career sometimes.

4:24 He can be a bit more passive and he can get friend-zoned. He can tend to get friend-zoned. And then men that have a lot of cock energy without a lot of heart energy are our fuck boys and the toxic masculine. So men that aren't attuned to others, they don't really have a lot of empathy or caring, but they can go after what they want. So they can drive things forward. They can make things happen. They have that sort of drive quality. And I would say that the core, I kind of like went through these two archetypes and was looking at like their core fears and then their core, like their, basically their life goal or their life purpose or how to get to the top right of the chart.

5:15 And for the, for the nice guys, for the guys that are sort of like, they have a lot of heart, they haven't really balanced out their cock energy or their power. You can also think of it as power. For those guys, they're, one of their biggest fears is being seen as a pervert or somehow like shame around sexuality tends to be a really, really big fear. Like I'm scared of being seen as creepy. I'm scared of making someone uncomfortable. Like I'm terrified of that. It's terrifying.

5:42 And their core path is to own their power. That's like their main path. And that's kind of how they get up to the top, right? Which I'll talk about in a second. And then for the, the toxic masculine side, their core fear is being seen as weak. That's like their main, like they're terrified of being seen as weak and all of the things that go along with that. And they, their path is to open their heart. And this is a generalization, obviously, but it maps pretty much to a lot of the men that I've seen.

6:14 And the goal for both sides is to get to the top right, which is what I call the integrated man. So he has his heart and he has his cock energy. He owns his power and he attunes to others. And this is why I think it's confusing because we get mixed messages about what women want. Women want a bad boy, but they also want a nice guy. And it's confusing. And it's because we haven't quite come to the realization that we want both. We need both.

6:44 We need a man who owns his power and has an open heart and can empathize and be compassionate. It's not one or the other. It's both. And that's the healthy masculine. That's so true from the clients that I see. And let me guess, the vast majority of guys that come to you are in the love part, aren't they? They're too much of a nice guy. They don't have enough of that cock energy, correct? Yeah, I would say about 80% are sort of skew on that side of the spectrum.

7:15 And 20% are more on the other side. And what I see with those guys is that they have a harder time sustaining a relationship. So they can get into one, but they can't sustain it past 90 days. Okay, so what can guys who are in the quadrant of too much of the hard energy being too much of the nice guy, how can we get them into the more of the cock energy, the kind of bad boy stuff to get them more attractive to women at the outset? Actually, one of the main things is for them to get into community, get into community with other men.

7:50 And I know that can sound strange because part of the goal is to get with women. But what I see over and over and over is that men need to feel supported by other men and they need to have honest and real connections with other men in order to feel supported in the world enough to go and pursue the women that they want. So, community, that's part of why our program is based around community and there's other organizations like the Mankind Project, which is also known as MKP.

8:21 And they have men's groups and men's workshops all over the country and I think all over the world now. I think they've started expanding internationally and they prioritize men being in the same area. So, all of their workshops are like men within 150 miles of each other so that they're trying to build local communities. So, there's other men that are interested in growth work that they can spend time with outside of just the workshop. That's one thing. That's a big thing. I would say community is the main thing.

8:48 And then after that, lifting, lifting heavy things like lifting weights, but lifting especially deadlifts and squats, like really getting the energy down into a man's hips, into his cock actually does help. Because a lot of the men that tend to be more heart-centered, a lot of times their energy is up in their chest or in their head and our goal is to get it all the way down, down, down into their hips, down into their legs, into their feet, get them grounded and really feeling that power.

9:21 Because that's really what we're talking about when we're talking about cock energy is we're talking about your power, we're talking about your drive, your ability to get things done. And a lot of it is, it's down in your hips and your legs. That's interesting. You know, I often tout that as well, but rather than attributing it to where the energy is, which I think is an interesting perspective, I often just liken it to testosterone, right? Is when you do those deadlifts and squats and pull-ups, it literally raises your testosterone.

9:51 And I'm all about lifting testosterone as much as possible. Would you agree that lifting testosterone does indeed get you more into that cock energy and gives you a little bit more of that bad boy vibe to you? Yeah, definitely. Testosterone honestly helps with a lot of things in men's health. And I think it kind of gets a bad rap because in our culture, it's sort of associated with toxic masculinity like testosterone. Yeah. But physiologically, more testosterone is almost always needed in most of the men that I see.

10:23 Yeah. Yeah, I find that too. And also, I know for me, I've lived in lots of different areas. And when I would move to a new place, it would often be difficult to meet new friends and make those relationships. And I quickly discovered that if you do a hobby, like for me right now, I'm into Brazilian jiu-jitsu and I'm meeting lots of great guys through there. And also, you know, doing a martial art, learning to fight, maybe even doing something like paintball or airsoft or kind of a quote unquote manly type hobby could be a great way to not only meet guys, but to, you know, boost that testosterone as well.

10:58 Have you seen that in your research? Yeah, I definitely think anything community related is going to help. But like you said, especially physical things, so hiking or sports or martial arts where you're seeing the same people and you're building community and you're in your body is really helpful. Because a lot of the guys that I work with, and I think a lot of men in general, struggle with being in their head too much. They're in their head a lot. And so one of the things that I teach is it's really hard to get out of your head.

11:31 So the goal is more get into your body, get into your body. So if you're in your head, go for a walk, do some pushups and any activities that you're doing where you're getting into your body every week and you're being in community are going to help. So with the being in community thing, why would hanging out with other dudes give me more of a bad boy edge? Is it because it gets you more into your body when you're relating with other masculine? So what I see a lot of the time is that men feel really isolated, they feel isolated, they feel lonely, they feel disconnected, they don't have deep relationships with other people, especially with other men.

12:16 So if they have relationships, they're sort of shallow, like they can say hi to their colleagues, but they're not actually talking about real shit with them. And so if they're struggling with something like, let's say something even just approaching women, there's not a lot of people they can talk to about that honestly and feel less alone. So the point of community, and especially masculine community, is for men to know that they are held by a tribe of men, and we used to live in cultures and in tribes where men hunted together and they did activities together so they felt like they were part of something.

12:53 Not even back to hunter-gatherer days, but if you think about a place like Ireland, I'm half Irish, and a lot of the men that worked in the fields, they worked together, they spent a lot of time around other men, they knew that there were men that had their back. And there was a sense of security that came from that they didn't feel alone, they felt like they had brotherhood. And that sense of brotherhood and community just has a man relax and feel safer in the world and know that he's not alone.

13:24 Not just like think that he's not alone, but actually have the feeling of there are other dudes that love me that have my back. And that sense of, it builds self-esteem, it builds awareness, other guys can call you on your shit. I think it's really important that all men are in men's groups, even if they're way into the work, because it's important to have that community around you to make you into the best version of the man that you can possibly be. And I think it gives you a sense of belonging that you really need because it's scary approaching women.

13:57 It's scary even when you're in a relationship with a woman, bringing things up is scary, setting boundaries is scary. You know, there's a lot of energy that's required to be in a healthy relationship. And having your brothers with you by your side is a game changer. I love that, that gets me pumped up. Like thinking about tribal communities, right? Like even Native Americans, the men went out and hunted together. The men hung out together and fought like they were the war tribe. And you go with your boys on your horses and you go fight the enemy tribe.

14:29 That's installed in us like on a deep, deep level. And I can totally see how, you know, doing things like that. And for me, going hunting with my boys, because we bow hunt, we bow hunt elk out here in Colorado and also deer. Man, so when we're around that campfire getting ready for the next day's hunt and then we get our faces all painted up and camouflage and we put our camo on. There's nothing like that. And you're right. It really gets you into your masculine energy.

14:55 And I could see how when you come out of that hunt and then there's a woman at the convenience store down at the base of the mountain, you know, you got that masculine energy in you and you got more of that bad boy in you and the approach will go a lot better. So I love that, that advice. So with guys who are too much into the bad boy, how can they get more into their heart? Yeah. So what I find a lot with that kind of guy is the same thing.

15:22 They need to get into community and they need to get into community with men that they trust and women that they trust, but people that they trust. What I find on that side is there's a lot of, there's trust issues around how deep can I go and will I still be accepted? A lot of those guys don't want to be seen as weak. They don't want to be seen as vulnerable. And the problem is that vulnerability is where we bond. That's really what has us bond to each other.

15:52 And so if a man isn't able to reach that depth and be vulnerable and be seen in that vulnerability, he's not going to be able to form a deep bond with, with a woman. He's really not going to be able to inspire the feminine to deeply surrender to him because I need to feel a man's heart in order for me to do that. So it's, it's almost the same. It's get into community, but it's get into community with conscious men. Get into community with deep, deeper men, with men that are doing the work, get into personal growth community because it's not enough to just get, you know, go play laser tag or something or get into other communities where the toxic masculine is, is venerated.

16:33 That's not going to work. You need to get into communities with, with consciousness minded people. Hmm. The toxic masculine. How, how would you define that? I feel it to me. So I was talking to a coach friend of mine who said, um, the toxic, the phrase toxic masculine actually comes from toxic facsimile of the masculine. So it's almost like a toxic imprint. It's not actually the masculine. Um, but to me, the toxic masculine is the schoolyard bully and the schoolyard bully is bullying boys and girls.

17:06 It's not one or the other. To me, the toxic masculine is a lot more encompassing than just violence against women. It's really, you know, totally being cut off from the heart. That's really what it is to me is, you know, dominance is everything. It's a win or lose kind of world. And I really don't care about anyone else. I only care about me getting my needs met and I'll bulldoze anyone that's in my way and everything that goes along with that. Hmm. Switching gears slightly. I'd like to talk a little bit about your sex research.

17:42 You are at the forefront of research for sexuality. You interview both men and women about what their desires are, what their disappointments are. And some of the statistics you were sharing with me when we spoke earlier absolutely blew my mind. So I definitely want my guys to hear it. So specifically women. And this really surprised me when you were telling me how many women you interviewed and what the results were of those interviews. Would you mind sharing some of that as well? Yeah, sure. So I was really interested in how many men are good in bed.

18:18 And I wanted to know from a research standpoint, the answer was because most of us just have anecdotes and we talk to our girlfriends about it, but we don't actually have the research. So I asked one in 67 women about the men who are best in bed. And I was first looking just to ask them, you know, how many men are good in bed? Like of the men that you've slept with, what percentage would you say are good? And the results were pretty striking. The vast majority of women said that the vast majority of men are not good in bed.

18:54 And it was like 70% plus of men that they'd slept with were not good in bed. And that number was actually higher for the women that are that had 20 plus partners. So the more experienced women who had a bigger data set said that basically 90% of men were not good and 10% were incredible. And I was really interested in what makes that 10% stand out and why and what they do and what the commonalities were that they do. Because, again, like I have my preferences, but I wanted to see like a wider perspective, what a lot of women were saying.

19:37 And so I got really granular. And then the rest of the whole survey was was focused on those men that were good. So of the men that are great in bed, you know, what is it, what are like the top three mistakes that men make when going down on women? What are the top three things that the men who are amazing at it, what do they do? And so I did that for like overall. And then I broke it down for hands, for mouth and for intercourse.

20:04 And then I also had a whole section about faking it. So I don't have time to go into everything today. But the I would say like some of the highlights were pacing. And this came up in every single section, every single section of the survey. And it has to do with how fast and how slow we really need sex to be. So for men to come to full physiological arousal, it takes about seven minutes. So in seven minutes, a man can go from zero to 60. He is like fully ready to have sex.

20:39 He's he's good to go. And women for a woman, for a female body, it doesn't take her 14 minutes, which would be double. And it doesn't take her 21 minutes would be triple. It takes a female body 45 minutes to come to full physiological arousal. And that doesn't mean that it has to be all of that time has to be in bed. It doesn't mean that she has to be fooling around that whole time. If she's, for example, dancing, like if she goes salsa dancing and she's getting turned on, that can count towards the arousal period.

21:13 But it's so much longer. It takes us so much longer that the research repeatedly showed women saying slow. The men that were the best in bed were went slow. They took their time. They were really there. They they weren't in a hurry. They weren't focused on a goal. They weren't. You know, I think a lot of men are like, oh, I got to get it done. Like, I got to get it done. And I feel like they have to, like, make it happen. And and so they get caught up in in performing essentially and and doing it fast.

21:47 And I think that they don't realize how much longer we take and also how how it actually hurts for a lot of women. So one of the things I was asking people in a separate survey was, what is your top sex problem? What are your top three sex problems? And for men, a lot of them, their sex problem was scarcity. I don't get it. I don't get it enough. I feel like I just can never I never really feel satisfied. I just even if they're in a relationship, they're experiencing sexual scarcity.

22:20 And for women, their top sex problem was pain. It hurts. And that just doesn't show up for the men in the research. It's very, very rare that a man will talk about pain. If he's talking about pain, it's usually just teeth during blowjobs. Whereas for women, it's like his hands are too rough when he's fingering me. It's like jabbing and stabbing or it's, you know, she's not wet when he's entering her and it hurts, really hurts. And the truth is that looking at the research, what women said repeatedly was I tried to tell him once or twice and then I gave up.

23:00 And so a lot of women are kind of gritting their teeth and just kind of bearing the pain because they're so scared to bring it up or actually tell him in a straightforward way. Like, oh, it really hurts the way you're fingering me really hurts because they're just terrified that the man is going to shut down or turn away or attack her and be like, oh, you don't like it? Well, fuck you, then I don't have to do it. And so I, you know, teach a course about the results of the research.

23:30 And one of the things that I teach in it is how men can make it feel safe for women to share so that they can actually get the real feedback they need to be excellent with her in bed. Wow, that's, that's amazing that it takes that long. You know, I've always been very patient in that way. So fortunately, I think I did okay in that respect. And that would always be my thing, too. And that's what I teach in my book Guide to the Female Orgasm is that you have to make it about her.

23:57 You have to take your time, build it up. Women's biggest sexual organ is her brain. So you have to, you know, make her feel beautiful and special and like you're actually enjoying it. And yeah, take your time. Take your time. Foreplay should, you know, take longer than three minutes. Now, I know you guys want to get it in, but you have to be patient. And when you satisfy her in bed, it's going to make it that much more likely that she'll come back. So, um, this was phenomenal.

24:26 Thank you so much for sharing all this, Melanie. And, um, where can my guys learn more about you? Tell us a little bit about your podcast and where they can find your programs. Sure. Yeah. My podcast is called Dear Men: How to Rock Sex Dating and Relationships with Women. And the intention is really to give guys a peek behind the curtain into the feminine and what we're thinking and feeling and wanting and craving from them. Um, I really like the Girl Talk episodes on my podcast.

24:56 So if you're going to start listening, I would recommend just scrolling through and finding one of those because I think they're really fun. I get some of my girlfriends together and we discuss a topic. Um, I think our last one was Men and Money. Um, and then my course is called Please Are in Bed. And if you go to PleaseAreInBed.com, that'll also take you to my website. So that's easy. Well, thank you so much for joining us, Melanie. I do appreciate your time. I think a lot of the information you dropped here on this podcast was pure gold.

25:24 And I do appreciate you sharing that. Guys, you need to go check out her podcast. That's how I found her. I was looking through podcasts for, I dare say, how to be a little bit better in bed myself. And even a guy like me who's had vast experience, even I'm trying to get better. So we should always try to, you know, get better, learn more. And I mean, I learned some great things today that I'm going to research and put into place. So you guys should do the same.

25:48 So thank you so much for listening, guys. And I will see you in the next podcast.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.