FBI Negotiation Master Training Part 1 (Become 10X more convincing)

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. Brother, I am so happy that you clicked on this episode because I feel the information I'm about to give you is a total, absolute game changer. In this episode, we are going to talk about FBI negotiation techniques, but more than that, this applies to all aspects of our lives. This applies to women. This applies to negotiating prices on things we're buying.

0:36 This applies to selling things. This applies to getting what you want in all kinds of social interactions. This comes from the book, Never Split the Difference, written by a guy named Chris Voss. Now, Chris was an FBI negotiator for 20 years, and what he learned during his training absolutely turned the negotiation industry on its head. Up until that point, they used to rationalize in negotiating. Basically, I try to rationalize you into an airtight argument where you can't argue against it, and then you give me concessions because of the strength of my argument.

1:15 Well, that wasn't working very well. They were losing lots of negotiations. Even Harvard Law School was using this technique, and it just wasn't working. Well, Chris, as well as some other pillars in the industry, came along and found out that emotions is what dictates people's decisions. And we know this so well with women, don't we? I've said it a million times that emotions are what get attraction from women. It's not rationale. You can't rationalize a woman into bed. You can't hand her your resume that you're this, that, and the other and get her into bed.

1:47 We all know that. It's all rational. And what he did is he came up with all these awesome techniques to use the emotions to get people to do what he wanted. A couple quick examples. He was able to get a hostage out from this hostage taker where originally he was asking for a million dollars. He got him out for zero dollars. He just let him go. Simply because Chris was able to use tactical emotions. All these skills that I'm going to teach you guys in this two-part series, it's two parts because there's a lot of information here.

2:22 Another example is he went to a Harvard negotiation class. I mean, the best negotiators in the world were at this school. And one student would have like 50 bucks, right? And Chris got paired with him. And Chris would try to get a portion of that money. Well, all these different students went into their rooms and negotiated with each other. And, you know, they'd come out with 25 bucks, 30 bucks. Well, Chris got all the money from this guy. Did it again with somebody else the next day. Got all the money from them.

2:49 What he teaches here is absolutely amazing. So I want to give you guys really good information. I love this book so much. I literally listened to it three times in a row. And I've never done that with a book before. I got it on Audible. Listened to the audiobook. Was so blown away the first time. Listened to it again. Took notes. And then listened to it a third time. And what's interesting is they say when you listen to a book or read a book or listen to a podcast like this one, you only get 30% of the information.

3:17 Well, I found that to be true because the second time I listened to it, I was like, holy shit, I don't even remember hearing this part. Then the third time, I was like, whoa, I don't remember hearing this part either. So it's interesting how we have selective listening. Our attention fades. Especially nowadays, we have the attention span of a small monkey on hydroxy cut. So what I did is I listened to it three times. I made all these notes. And I really hope to deliver the goods in this podcast.

3:44 Another side note, kind of funny, is I just filmed this entire podcast. It was about 25 minutes, part one. I went to listen to it and my microphone was off. Even though the light was on, it was using the microphone on my laptop, my MacBook Pro. Sounded like shit, so here I am recording it again. But that's good because I got practice and I can deliver it even better this time around. All right. So the secret of negotiating with men is to give the other side the illusion that they are in control.

4:14 Up until Chris came along, it was always me against you, my ego against yours. Let me try to get something from you. You try to get something from me. But what he found is by giving the other person the illusion they're in control, then they're a lot more likely to give concessions because they feel like they're being generous and giving you something. Now, obviously, the secret to negotiating with women is to get into their emotions, especially in attraction. We know all about that. So we do this by using such things as tactical empathy, which I'm going to teach you, labeling, which I'm going to teach you, the power of no, which I'm going to talk about right now, mirroring, all these epic things that I'm going to teach you.

4:53 And no matter who you negotiate with, guys, this is super important. You have to remain calm, rational, in control, regulated in your emotions, and on your inner balance point. You've heard me talk about frame control a million times, and this applies to it. And that's why I love this stuff so much, this book, is because it applies so seamlessly to what I've learned about women that I was just saying yes the whole time. I was just like, yeah, dude, that makes sense. That makes sense. But it's like I've never heard it said like this, so I got super fired up about it.

5:23 Can't wait to share it with you guys, but that's what you got to do is regulate your emotions. If the counterpart lowballs you and you're trying to sell like your motorcycle, lowballs you, if you get pissed and have that confrontational energy come into the interaction, it's going to go bad for you, just like it does with women. If you ever get pissed at a chick when you're talking to her, get butthurt and let that come into the interaction, she's going to blow you out. So in frame control and in negotiating, we stay calm, regulated in our emotions, we're controlling the frame.

5:55 All right, so I want to teach you first the power of no. This is so cool. So you guys know how bad it sucks to get sold to. We always have people trying to sell us shit and what they do is they lead us down the path of yes. They get us to say yes once, get us to say yes twice, and then inevitably lead us to the sale. It's like the telemarketer who calls you and says, Sir, do you like the taste of fresh water?

6:19 And you say yes. Are you tired of having the chlorine tasting water come out of your faucet? And you say yes, but, well, sir, I'd like to introduce you to, so he's leading you down that yes pattern. But what Chris found out is that if you have them say no, no is like a breath of fresh air for the prospect. They want to say no. They are dying to say no. And it removes the plastic falsehood of yes. So what you do is you rephrase sentences and questions in a way that where they say no, but what they really mean is yes.

6:51 Okay, so here's an example. Is now a bad time to talk? No. Okay, cool. Let's do it. So he's really saying yes. So I'm a dating coach. And here's an example of what I may say to you as a guy who's learning how to get girls. Hey, brother, are you going to stand by and let your current situation with women continue to unfold? Without putting up a fight. You're going to be like, hell no. Then I might say, is your strategy going to be hope-based? Hope, quote-unquote.

7:18 You just hope you wake up one morning with the skills to attract a woman. You're going to say no. So it feels good to say no because it's like, no, I'm not going to fucking do that. And they had an example of this in the book where it was like a donation center that was trying to get donations for an election for, let's say, the Democratic Party. And initially, it was like, yes-based. Are you in love with the Democratic Party? Yes. Do you want to see the Democrats take the White House this year?

7:43 Yes. But instead, they flipped it and they got way better results when they had them say no. And what they said is, are you happy with the direction the country is headed? No. Would you be satisfied if the Republicans held power in the Senate for another four years? No. And then they led them down the path to get the donation. All right. So how can we do this with girls? I know you guys love the girls technique. So let's talk about it. I was thinking about this and I was like, well, if I were to go up to a girl, let's say she's at a coffee shop.

8:15 She's sitting outside. I could walk up to her and say, hey, what's up? How's it going? Honestly, I thought you were cute and I wanted to come meet you. I have to get out of here in a second, but would it be horrible if I were to pull up a seat for a second? And she'll say, no, go for it. Sit down. Right. As opposed to, can I sit down? It's just a better way to phrase it because it just removes that slight bit of resistance that she might have for you to sit down and talk to her.

8:40 Here's one for going for her phone number. Would it be crazy to suggest, Kelly, that you and I exchange phone numbers? No. All right. Put it in there then. Now I've mentioned before on previous podcast episodes that I used to be a copywriter and copywriting is selling in written form. So I write sales pages on websites, right? When trying to sell like a digital product. So I was thinking of a cool headline where it uses this no concept that would be, is it crazy to believe you can make $5,000 a month passive income within three months by running your own blog?

9:14 Then the next sentence would be, if you answer no to that question, then read on. I was like, man, that would be a kick-ass headline and sub headline to get the prospect into the copy by having them say no. All right. Tactic number two is the power of that's right. So Chris Voss says in his book that the phrase that's right changes everything. That the phrase that's right is actually better than yes. And this is where he got that hostage taker to release that hostage when he was asking $1 million.

9:46 Well, what he found out is that hostage taker was really just trying to make a point. He just wanted to be understood. He felt that his people were being suppressed. He felt that it was unfair. He felt that they were being victimized. And all he wanted to do is get his point across. So he took a hostage, asked for a million bucks. And what Chris and his team did is they use tactical empathy, which means basically paraphrasing back to the person what their beliefs are, which is extremely powerful, especially with women.

10:16 And he did it so well by using all the techniques that I'm going to teach you in this podcast that he finally got the guy to say, that's right. And not hours after he said, that's right, he released the hostage, didn't ask for any money, just wanted to be heard out. And in so many situations, especially when we're arguing with somebody, all they want is for their point to be heard. So if you can paraphrase back to them what their feelings are, what their perspective is, and get them to say, that's right, then you will win that negotiation.

10:48 Or at least you will have deflated the negative feelings going back and forth in the fight. Now, you might think you're right, the term you're right is a good thing, but Chris actually calls it a disaster. It's agreeing in theory, but really it's just to get you to shut up. So if I'm coaching a client, let's say you hire me as a coach and I'm coaching you, and I were to say something like this, you know what, brother, I totally get what you're thinking. You think it's disrespectful to approach a girl because nobody likes to be inconvenienced, held against their will, or sold something.

11:20 And you'd say, that's right. Now, if instead I went with the approach, you know what, brother, you should approach women because you don't want your life to go by without getting the best girl you can. And who knows, you might just be her type. And you say, yeah, yeah, you're right. But really, it doesn't do much for your motivation. If instead you know that I understand you by saying, hey, here's why you don't want to approach girls, then you'll trust in me more to be your coach and I can have more influence over you to change your behavior.

11:49 All right, so how can we use this with girls? Well, dude, I was reading this book and it occurred to me, I actually do this all the time. And what I do is I tell girls what they'd want in an ideal man. And by doing so, they feel understood by me, right? But here's the thing is all girls want the same fucking thing. So I just tell them what all girls want. And they're like, oh my God, he understands me. And this is a great way to get into rapport with women.

12:11 So I get them into a that's right pattern. And here's what I say. So Stacey, I have a feeling about you. And she's like, what? And I'll be like, you want a guy who has a bad boy edge, but who can still treat you like gold without supplicating to you. And she'd be like, that's right. I'd be like, you want a guy who's decisive, confident, caring, but who can still lead you to where you want to be led. That's right. Then I'd be like, you want a guy who can listen to you without trying to solve your problems.

12:41 And she'll be like, oh my God, that's right. You're so insightful. I love you, right? She's going to totally be into that because I got her to say that's right three different times. So use that, you guys. That one is super powerful. You can use it on texting, the dating apps, things like that. Strongly suggest it. All right. This next concept also works really well with women, but it works well with anybody who you're negotiating with, anybody who you want to gain rapport with, and it's called labeling.

13:10 So labeling is the phrase, it seems like, it looks like, it sounds like, okay? And it's called tactical empathy. So what you're doing is you're understanding the feelings and emotions of your counterpart and even understanding what's deeper than those feelings and emotions. You know, when they negotiate with a hostage taker, they have five people on the phone listening. Why do they do that? It's called active listening. They're looking for little pieces where they can use tactical empathy back to the person and make them feel like they're understood so that they relent on their demands.

13:45 And why does it take five people? You'd think that'd be ridiculous. Well, that's how much information gets by us. Even in the amount of time, the 16, 17 minutes that I've been talking, you've probably missed a lot of what I've said. Why? Because your attention is floating around. You may be doing something else. And so we miss things. So when you listen really closely and then say back to them what they're feeling with the phrases, it seems like, it looks like, it sounds like, they feel really understood by you.

14:15 So Chris was telling a story about how there is these like bank robbers locked in an apartment and he was trying to get them to come out. Well, the old school way was come out with your hands up. The place is surrounded. We're going to shoot tear gas through your window. Come the fuck out. Right? Really aggressive. Well, what he did is he sat outside the door and he simply used this. This is it. It seems like you don't want to go back to jail. It looks like you're afraid we're going to come in there with guns blaring.

14:44 It seems like you guys are scared because you're in a bad situation and you don't know how it'll end. So basically he's just telling these guys how they feel. What would happen is after a couple hours of this, suddenly the door opens, they come out with their hands up and they give up. So rather than having to shoot tear gas through the window, which between me and you would be pretty bad-ass in my opinion, but rather than doing that, just by using this tactical empathy, he got them to come out.

15:11 So let's say you're listening to a girl vent and we've all had this experience. If we've had any experiences with girls whatsoever, they're going to vent. As I said in a previous podcast, you never want to try to solve a girl's problems. Instead, you just want to listen. And this is where you can use tactical empathy. You know, it seems like you really had a hard day today. It seems like you're very frustrated with the situation. It looks like you're trying really hard to make amends with Kelly, but it seems like you don't feel like you're heard by her.

15:40 Bro, you say these, she's going to be like, oh my God, he understands me. And then what you do is you use silence. Okay. So you say it and then you shut up. And I've talked about how to be a great communicator, separate podcast, the art of listening. All you got to do is shut up, say this thing, then shut the hell up, let her go on and on. And then you're good to go. Well, this works in negotiation too. He was telling the story about how one company was pissed off at another company because it felt that company A was taking advantage of them.

16:11 So what company A did is they sent in these negotiators who were trained by Chris Voss and they basically told company B how they felt by using this labeling. It seems like you guys think we're the big, bad contractor. It looks like you think that we've taken advantage of you, haven't paid our bills and haven't treated you as you've wanted us to. And then they're like, that's right. That's how we feel. And when you label it, they feel understood by you. And then all the anger gets taken out of their sale.

16:41 So this is a great thing to use in negotiation and particularly powerful with women. Okay. As we've talked about when dealing with negativity, don't be reactive or emotional towards it. Now, as we've experienced too with women, they get very emotional. They get pissed off. They're going to throw you some stuff and you've got to control what's called your pain body. Your pain body is the accumulation of negative energy within yourself and it's going to want to lash out and feed and feed off of her pain body.

17:11 And then you guys yell at each other. You scream, you say things you don't mean. And then the next day you feel like a real jerk and you don't even know who it was who was talking the day before. Well, that's your pain body. It's that thing inside of you that wants you to be hurt. You've got to control that fucker. You've got to hold the frame on it. Say, no, you bastard. I'm not going to let you come up. I'm going to use tactical empathy labeling, make her feel like she's totally understood and deflate the situation by not reacting to it.

17:39 When I was a kid, my grandma was very, very bitter towards us. And when I call her on the phone, which my mom would make me do, I would say, hey, grandma, it's Mark. And she'd be like, yeah, so she'd literally say that to me. And I'd be like, bitch, why do you think I don't call you? It's because every time I call you, you're a total jerk to me. Well, the reason she's a jerk to me is because I didn't call her. I realized that now and I feel bad about it.

18:02 I should have been a better grandson. So had I known what I know now, I may have said something like this. You know what, grandma? It seems like you feel like I don't call you enough and I can see why that gets under your skin. But for me, it's a real treat to talk to you. You know, I want to hear what you have to say. I want to hear your stories because I feel like I don't get enough time to talk to you. And for that, I apologize.

18:25 Had I said that, she would have opened right up. We probably would have had a much better relationship. But she died like 10 years ago and I didn't really know her because she was always bitter at me. Consequently, I was bitter at her. And I should have taken the higher ground to make amends with her because she was hurting. She was alone. And I should have been a better grandson. So having learned that, this labeling would have been huge. All right. One little side note on this.

18:51 Instead of saying, I'm hearing that. So Justin, I'm hearing that you're really hurt. I'm hearing that you've had a lot of problems with women. I'm hearing that X, Y, Z. It seems to make it about me. Who cares what you're hearing? Justin wants to know what he's feeling. So you say, it seems like, it looks like, it sounds like. Just remember those three and parrot them back and paraphrase back to the person what they're feeling. All right. Now I got some really cool kind of one-off conversational ninja techniques for you guys to end out this first part.

19:25 I want to remind you that part two is coming. And in my opinion, part two has better content in it because I'm going to talk about negotiation, calibrated questions, negotiating the price of something you're buying and how to stick on the price that you set, as well as how to sell something like on Craigslist. We're going to do accusation audit. We're going to do mirroring, paraphrasing. And I got some epic bonus content on the back of that one as well. So that's going to come out on Monday.

19:52 This one's hitting on Friday. That bad boy is coming out on Monday and it's going to be a beast. You're going to get blown out of your seat. You paid for the whole seat, but you'll just need the edge. All right. So let's talk about lying. He talked about lying just a little bit in this, but I took some notes on it because I'm fascinated by lying. I can tell when a chick is lying, like I'm a goddamn lie detector. I'll call him out on it too.

20:14 I'll be like, you're lying. Anyway, so lies, the Pinocchio effect. When people lie, they tend to talk more and more and more because they think they can rationalize themselves out of their lie. And oftentimes they won't use personal pronouns like I. They'll use personal pronouns like he, she, they. They try to distance themselves from the lie. And also what's interesting is when you lie, there's some kind of physiological reaction where the blood vessels in your face open up or something and your face starts to itch.

20:50 So if you feel like somebody is lying to you and they itch their nose, it's a huge sign that they probably are lying to you. It's when their face itches. So if you're lying, make sure not to touch your face. All right. Next up is apologizing. And Chris says that he came up with this phrase, look, I'm an asshole. And he says it works amazingly well because you're admitting that you're a piece of shit so that the person who's mad at you doesn't have to say it.

21:17 They're like, yeah, you are an asshole. And when you say it that way, it takes all the wind out of their sail. So you say, look, I'm an asshole. I should have remembered what you told me to do, but I totally forgot. I apologize. And this is going to work good for me, guys. Now that I learned this, I can't wait to deploy it on Marissa because I forget stuff all the time. Like she asked me to do something. We have plans with her family, whatever it may be.

21:42 And I'm like, yeah, I'll be there. And then I can forget, right? And I go fly fishing that morning and then I just get decimated. So next time I'm going to be like, look, I'm an asshole. I have the memory of an 89 year old man in the hip to match. It seems like this really hurts you because maybe you feel that I don't care about you enough to remember those things that we had going on together. And I sincerely apologize for that. Just imagine if I deploy all this, man.

22:08 It's going to work like a champ. All right. When you use your name, it's really powerful with people. So he said he would go into like places where he's buying something and he would say, hey, do you guys have any kind of discount? And most of the time they'd say no. But when he'd go up and he'd say, hey, my name's Chris. Do you guys happen to have the Chris discount here with a smile? They'd oftentimes say yes. So when you use your name, it's really powerful because it personalizes you to the person.

22:35 I remember one time Marissa and I were late for a flight. She was pregnant and I cut to the front of the line and I was very polite. And I said her name. Her name was like Brenda or something. And I say, hey, Brenda, my name's Mark. This is Marissa. I apologize for this, but we're late for a flight. Marissa here is pregnant and we had some pregnancy things going on. We didn't get on the road till late. There was traffic. And then I could have said, would it be crazy to ask for us to cut in front of this line?

23:01 We'll get out of your way because we really need to get to our flight. And then she'd probably say yes because of that. But I was convincing enough to get us to sweep through. We made our flight and it worked out. And part of the reason that was is because I personalized us. I said, I'm Mark. This is Marissa. And I just did that instinctually. So when I read that in the book, I was like, yeah, cha-ching, got that one down. All right. And lastly is the word because.

23:26 So if you ask somebody for a favor and then you add because on the back of it, your chances of being said yes to go up from 60% to 90%. So they tested this at a printing machine. There was a line for the printer and they had somebody go up to the front of the line and say, hi, could I please cut in front of you? 60% of the time they'd say yes, which is pretty surprising. But then when they said, can I please cut in front of you because I need to make copies?

23:52 It went up to 90%. Think about that. All they said was because, and they didn't even have a good argument. They said, because I need to make copies. No shit, Sherlock. Everybody's trying to make copies here, but still they let them go. So back to the airport analogy. If I said, would it be too much to ask for Marissa and I to cut past this line because we're going to be late for our flight? Look at that, man. I just deployed like three techniques there. It would have worked like gangbusters.

24:21 So you guys should use these things. Please listen to this again. And here's another thing. I took really thorough notes on this thing. So if you want to email me at coachmarksing at gmail.com for my notes, there's lots of really good like sayings in here, one-liners, especially like one-liners to girls that you can use in texting and things like that. So hit me up. I will reply with all my notes on this book. But if you really want to learn these lessons, I suggest you buy that book on Audible.

24:49 It's really good. Once again, Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. And remember guys, I'm coming on Monday with part number two. And I got tons of epic information on that one as well. So I hope you enjoyed this. Thank you so much for listening. And I will see you in the next podcast.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.