Female Hypergamy: Why Women Want to Bang The Pool Boy With Paul Bauer

0:00 Welcome to The Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, gentlemen? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. I really do appreciate you tuning in. And today I am interviewing my buddy Paul Bauer from the Come On Man Podcast. Come on, man. What the hell are you doing? And we have a really good talk about female hypergamy, why girls want to level up, as well as other things about how to keep a woman interested in you, how to make them fall in love so that you can be both the guy that they want to bang, as well as the guy who they want to marry, which ultimately should be all of your goals.

0:47 So we go over a lot of really good concepts in this one. Without further ado, let's jump into it. What is up, Paul? Great to have you on the show, brother. Hey, thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. Hey, you listen to my podcast at all? Have you heard it? Or was it just when I contacted you? It was really what happened is I noticed that you were following me. And so I was like, oh, who's this guy? And so I clicked on it. And then I saw your content.

1:10 And I saw that you're into NLP. And I'm learning NLP. So then I started looking through your Instagram stuff. But I haven't actually listened to your podcast yet. No. I haven't listened to yours either. So fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. But I see what you're doing. You know, I real recognize is real. I looked at your IG page and I watched a lot of videos on that. So what I want to talk about today is female hypergamy. First of all, for the boys, can you define what that is?

1:39 Yeah, it was interesting because if you do a Google search on what is hypergamy, you get the definition that women only want to date up or they only want to marry up. But that's only partially true. The red pill defines it, you know, based on like Rolo Tomasi's work as it's dualistic, right? It's the alpha seed, beta need type thing, right? Where women, they like to – I don't know if I can cuss on your podcast or all that. Totally. It's an unapologetic man podcast. Okay.

2:09 Perfect. Well, you never know, you know, YouTube policies and stuff. But yeah, I mean, so women really like to get with guys they're sexually attracted to and then they also like to settle down with guys that are good providers, right? And ideally, they want that in the same guy, but oftentimes they can't find it in the same guy. So what they'll do is they'll settle down with some schmo who's, you know, he's got a good job, puts a roof over her head, and then she'll go and bang the pool boy, you know?

2:39 So there's that type of situation, and that's where I think a lot of guys, they hear hypergamy and they think that's the situation all the time. And it's like it doesn't have to be that way. If you learn to understand both sides, right, the alpha and beta side, and a lot of people don't like the terms alpha and beta. So I like to say guys, girls want to bang, and guys, they don't, right? So you want to optimize on the sexual attractiveness side. That way you don't end up in a dead bedroom, but you could still be a good provider and a loving, caring person, and then maintain that attraction long term, you know?

3:14 And that's sort of ideal. Yeah. So why is it that women are going to go bang the pool boy? What exactly is that, anthropologically speaking? What are they trying to get from him? They just want the thrill of it, you know? Like if he's the attractive, he's got ripped abs, you know, he's working out there, he's got the glistening skin and stuff like that. That's exciting, you know? It's kind of like, oh, you know, that guy is really hot. That guy is really hot. My husband, he's a fat slob.

3:44 He hasn't worked out in 10 years. And he's never home. So, you know, women have needs. They have, you know, a lot of guys don't think that women are into sex, but they totally are. But if you're not making her, if you're not blowing her skirt up, you know, she's not going to want to have sex with you. But she is going to find sex if that's really what she wants. So the pool boy is available, he's sexy, and that's really, I think, all it comes down to.

4:10 It's not like she wants to leave him for the pool boy. She's happy to, you know, have her husband take care of her, but she's going to get her sexual needs met from the pool boy. How do we be both those guys, right? Because I totally hear what you're saying. I've been both those dudes, right? I've been the dude who was just the beta cuck who girls would use for basically my resources. And then I've been the alpha, that word that some guys don't like, playboy guy that would just yank tons of girls and never settle down with them.

4:37 Now I do feel like I'm both, and I do train my guys to be both, right? And my woman is satisfied. What I always say is she's satisfied up here in the brain, right here in the heart, and down below in the vagina. You've got to satisfy a woman those three ways. So how do we do that? How do we be that dude? Yeah, I mean, it really just, I think it really comes down to what the guy wants, right? Because some guys are happy just being permanent plate spinners.

5:01 And if that's your only goal and you're not trying to settle down, then you just really only need to maximize the alpha side, right? You need to work on your looks. You need to work on your game and your frame. You need to be the guy that shows higher status to her that she wants to get with really quickly. But if you want a long-term relationship, you also have to sort of have a little bit of an understanding of how she operates, how she thinks, how women think.

5:32 You know, women are very emotional. It's funny because you hear the term, like, you need to be emotionally available to women. And I think what that really means is you need to understand her emotions and you need to be able to listen to her emotions and, you know, be her rock. But it doesn't work the other way around. Like, you can't go crying to her and stuff like that, you know. Because as soon as you start doing that, that's where that sexual attraction starts, you know, dwindling away.

5:59 And so you start losing that alpha side stuff pretty quickly when you do that. So you always have to sort of default to strength in the relationship and just have a good understanding and be a good listener for her problems and stuff like that. And that will actually, you know, take you pretty far, I think. The reason attraction is killed when you go crying to your woman is because she wants a man who can stand on his own two feet. I had it put to me once, Paul, where you want to be that rock that's in the middle of the ocean that the waves cannot even touch, right?

6:33 They can't move it at all. And she's the waves. You got to be the rock of Gibraltar. Her waves are slapping up against you. So if you go crying to her, right, and you think your tears are going to be used as lubricant for sex, that's not how it works. And she's going to go bang a dude who, as you mentioned, has a strong frame, can lead her, is sexy in the way that he just frames it up. Like, right, I don't necessarily think he has to be sexy.

6:56 We may disagree on that point. Because I've been the dude, I look like a chicken McNugget with tits during the time that I was just yanking girls left and right. And it was all via frame. But I've also been the beta cook provider where I could provide those resources to her, but I blew smoke up her ass, put the pussy on a pedestal, idealized her, and then she didn't respect me. So the way to be both is to have frame and then also what I call trust and connection in my coaching, which is to listen to her, to be understanding of her too, which is what I do, buy her flowers sometimes when she's not expecting it.

7:30 And she comes home and rainbows fly out of her ass because that's what chicks want. So hypergamy is she's going to try to upgrade to the top dude. But if you are that top dude, you can lock her down and keep her satisfied. Now, I want to go back to the hypergamy thing. Do you think it's messed up that chicks do this? That they try to upgrade, get to the next dude? No, no, I don't. I, you know, I sort of look at it like, is it messed up or is it just the way it is?

7:57 You know, and so I just keep a reality check on that. It's just the way it is. It's just female sexual strategy. Men have men have a sexual strategy, too. You know, our sexual strategy is to spread our seed far and wide with as many women as we possibly can. Do we always do it? No. You know, if we're in a committed relationship, can we keep that in check? Absolutely. So, like, women can also keep their hypergamy in check, especially, you know, I'd say a vast majority of women aren't like the girls you see on shows like, you know, Fresh and Fit or the whatever podcast or whatever.

8:34 Not to shit on those guys, but that's usually they drag those, like the worst of the worst women out and say, hey, this is how all women are. And guys are like, oh, yeah, all these modern women, they're all hypergamous. And it's like, well, yeah, no, all women are hypergamous, but not all women go around sledding it up everywhere. You know, like a lot of women are, they're serial monogamous. You know, they will be with the same guy for two or three years, break up with him, go date with another guy for two or three years.

9:03 You know, and so their body count isn't in like the astronomical numbers that the Internet makes it seem like. And so those women, they can still pair bond, you know, and by pair bonding, it's not necessarily like penguins where they mate for life and or whatever. But it's like they've chosen you as their best option. And even if a guy who might come into town who looks like Brad Pitt or whatever happens to be available, she's not going to just leave you for this one guy one time, you know, because it's not going to feel right to her.

9:34 You know, women have morals, too. They're human, just like us. And but if you've been consistently screwing up, if you've been consistently failing her shit tests all the time, if you can be consistently letting her down, well, she's going to start strongly thinking about this new Brad Pitt guy that just came to town, you know. And I think that's that's really what it comes down to is guys always have to be on our game. You know, we have a burden of performance. So like the work never stops.

9:58 That's right, bro. We were just talking about the military and like you got to earn your spot every day, right? The only easy day was yesterday. And that's so true. And you said something, too, that I like, which was women are humans, men are humans, and guys are always like getting butthurt about how girls are going to go upgrade. I'm like, bro, you go upgrade, too. I mean, we literally talk about in game, right, Paul? You get the sevens to open the eights, to open the nines, and you're constantly working up.

10:23 That's human psychology. The trick is to be the best of the dudes. Don't hold it against the women. So as we're doing that, we are able to keep attracted to a high quality girl who, like you said, may want to be monogamous. I mean, they go through phases just like we do. I don't want to play the field anymore. It's way too much work. I like being in a relationship. I like having my family. Are you in a relationship or are you still playing the field?

10:47 No, I'm in a relationship. I've been dating the same gal for two and a half years now. Dude, once you get to a point where you get all that shit out of your system, you're like, yo, I want to find somebody I can settle down with. Do you have kids, Paul? I do, but not with her. Yeah, but I have a daughter. She's off at college. And then my son, he's in high school. Damn, bro. My girl is four years old and college and high school.

11:08 Got all this. Yeah, yeah. We're probably about the same age, to be honest with you, but I just started late. So, you know, there are good women out there who, of course, are going to be hypergamous, just like we are as men. The trick, of course, is to be that best dude and have that right mixture. So, I want to ask you, in a relationship, let's say, you want to keep this girl interested, what percentage of, like, game, because you said we got to keep working, versus trust and connection, bonding, and all that stuff.

11:37 Where's that ratio that we keep with our women to keep them interested? Oh, I've never thought about it as a ratio, because I do think that if you don't want to end up in a dead bedroom, you do have to optimize on the muscles, game, and frame stuff, you know? And it's funny, you probably heard before, right? Muscles, money, game, and frame. I think John MLD coined that. Shout out to MLD. The thing about the money part, though, is if you really think about it, like, money is the beta side of hypergamy.

12:09 Like, that's where the provisioning comes in and stuff, you know? So, a lot of guys are like, oh, women only care about money. It's like, no, no, they don't. You know, I mean, that's a factor. It can be a factor. But the alpha side, the side where that'll keep you out of a dead bedroom, is going to be your muscles, game, and frame. So, I would say, like, you really want to, I don't know, put an emphasis on those three things, and connection, loving stuff. I think maybe, I would say maybe 80-20 with that, right?

12:39 You want 80% alpha side stuff, 20% beta side stuff. And I think that's probably a good ratio. 80-20 rule is always a good rule of thumb for anything, you know? Yeah, I have lots of 80-20 rules. So, my next question revolves around a conversation I've actually been having with some of my female friends. And I asked them, this is really interesting. Over the past few weeks, I've just been asking them, what do you give yourself on a score of 1 to 10? Okay, and every single time, boys, guess what they did?

13:07 Do you think they judged themselves as less? Oh, they're all tense. They're all tense. They all think they're tense. They all think they're so fucking hot. Why? Why is that? The body positivity movement really has a big play in that. It's just, it's that, and I think there's a lot of people that think that social media does. Because a woman puts herself on social media, and there's, like, I don't know, an unending supply of simps to be in her comments, talking about how beautiful she is and stuff like that, which is just artificially inflating her ego.

13:39 Whereas, like, if you just had the local market, right, the local sexual market, that she would figure things out pretty quick that she's not a 10, you know, but she has the worldwide market of simps available to her on the social media to artificially inflate her ego. Dude, not only that, the dating apps, like, the girls that I talk to, they're all on the dating apps. It's like us. I don't know about you. I'm on Instagram, not right, and I get hit up every day by 10 copywriters who are like, hey, do you have a newsletter?

14:08 Can I write for you? Can I do this? And I'm like, no, dude, beat it, right? You're not coming with any value. I have one guy send me this picture, Paul. It was a dude on his back having sex with a girl who was on top of him. And then the copywriter guy or whatever he was pitching to me photoshopped a picture of my face on his face. And it's like, this is why all the girls want you. And I was like, that's funny, dude. That's value.

14:31 And I would have written him back, but I already have copywriters and editors and everything. But it's that same thing, guys. Just imagine being marketed to every single day. Not only do you have to stand out from the crowd, but you have to realize that girls way over inflate themselves as far as their hotness. All my girlfriends were like, I'm like probably a 9.5 based on all the attention I get. And I'm like, dude, you're an 8. You were straight up 8. I straight up told her. And I do have one friend, Ashley.

14:59 She basically is a 10. Dude, she was like, oh my god, I'm the goddess of all men that they worship at my feet. So we have to realize, boys, that hypergamy, which is trying to get a better dude, they feel entitled to get that high level dude. And if you're not on your game, they're going to frame check you, shit test you, make you jump through hoops, and make you work through that. So here's the difference, though. Most guys, as Paul said, are simps. If you just work on your game and get, most importantly, and I'm pointing at my head, this shit taken care of, you will skyrocket above all other dudes.

15:35 Act in a way that makes her know, oh, I'm not a 10, and then she's going to get more attracted to you because you're not buying into that bullshit. But yeah, most girls overemphasize how hot they are. Yeah, it's funny, too. A lot of guys think they really do think it's a lot about looks, right? Oh, you've got to be super high. You've got to have the six-pack abs, six feet tall. That's not the way it is at all because there's plenty of guys that are jacked and they have problems with women because, like you said, they don't have their inner game down.

16:04 They will simp over her. They will over-pursue her. They will be needy texters. They'll be trying to lock her down in a relationship before she's ready. And it's funny because you hear these girls complain about guys. Oh, this guy's a narcissist. This guy, you know, he never calls me back and stuff like that. But those are the guys that they always go for. And so guys think that they're setting themselves apart by being the nice guy, by being the one that's overly texting, by being the good morning text guy and all that kind of stuff.

16:35 And really, you're acting like 97% of the other dudes out there. And really, what sets you apart is by not doing that. And that's why they go for those guys because guys that aren't texting them back, they either have options or they're, at the very least, just not needy guys. Yeah, and that's what goes into what I have, the 80-100 rule is what I call it. And that is, you always want to give her about 80% of what she wants from you. So if she wants to hang out five days a week, yeah, I can hang out three or four times a week.

17:02 If she's texting you this much, you want to land about 80% because every other guy is thirsty, chasing, simping, as you said, trying to get more out of her. You're the dude who's like, ah, I'm good. What does that communicate when you say I'm good? Communicates you have options. Women are attracted to a dude with options called pre-selection. So even if she does act like she's the hot shit, fucking don't buy into it. Just be like, whatever. I may even ask a girl. This is a strategy.

17:28 I'll be like, hey, what do you give yourself on the score of 1 to 10? And she's like, oh, at 9? Be like, really? Interesting. And she's like, why? She's like, oh, no. It's like a subtle neg. Yeah. Yeah, exactly, dude. A neg. Negative compliment. Yeah. Just like, oh, that's curious. One thing I tell guys that it worked really well for me when I was out dating was, you know, even if like all my plates fell off, right? And I was starting over from scratch. And that happens to, I think, the best of us, right?

17:56 Even if that was happening, I wouldn't text or make phone calls on Friday or Saturday nights. Yeah. Because for me, like Friday and Saturday nights are prime date nights. And guys with options always have something going on Friday and Saturday nights. So if a chick would send me a text, even if like I knew nothing was going on and I could probably hit it that night or whatever, I didn't want to, I would just, I would just not answer until the next morning. You know, I'd be like, oh, hey, just seeing this now, what's going on, you know?

18:24 And maybe try to set a plan for her on Sunday. And then I would reserve Friday and Saturdays for women that I was actually sleeping with, you know, like they had, you have to earn a Friday or Saturday, you know, with me. And that's what I love. I love that philosophy. You have to earn with me. And that's why I always have the thing. I have this saying in my coach and Paul, it says, what would I do if I were dating four girls? And I actually tell my boys, I'm like, pretend you're wearing one of them bracelets, the what would Jesus do bracelet?

18:51 But it said, it says, what would I do if I were dating four girls? Would I be blowing her up on Saturday night talking about the Miss America pageant that we're both watching as we both cuddle on our own couches? Fuck no. I'm out doing shit. So I'm not going to text you till tomorrow. If you don't like that, I'm afraid I can't help you with that. And that's what gets her attracted. But you don't have to be a dick like a lot of guys are.

19:13 You can still be cool when you see her. You can open the door for her. You could be chivalrous. You can compliment her, provided that you're up on compliments, meaning you're in the 8100 rule. You could still be a good dude. And guys, that's the dude who women fall in love with when you're the not to be fucked with guy and the dude who sweeps her off her feet and chivalrous listens to her and has trust and connection. So, yeah, there's hypergamy out there, which is the theme of this episode.

19:41 But we can be that dude who all chicks want to upgrade to by having a mix of both. So there's a couple of different schools of thought on this. I think they're both effective. It just depends on what works best for you. I interviewed Alan Roger Curry. I don't know if you know Alan Roger Curry. He was the author of Mode 1. He was really big on just being upfront with chicks. Like, hey, I'm seeing other women. Being upfront with that. I can see that working for some guys.

20:08 I prefer to be a little more what he would call Mode 2 about things and just sort of let women use their imagination more. I thought that was more, for me, that was more effective, you know? So, like, if I wasn't answering my text on a Friday night and she's like, so what were you doing last night? A good friend of mine in the men's group that my podcast started out of, he came up with this thing that we all use, all of us in the group use, and we call it Batman game.

20:32 And, you know, basically, you just start bullshitting a tale about how you were dressed up like a bat last night fighting crime and keeping the city safe. And she knows it's bullshit, but at the same time, it's also kind of a fun, playful fantasy. And then at the same time, she realizes that she still has no idea what you're doing. And now she's sort of like, I got to figure this guy out. What is up with this guy? And they start internet stalking you and stuff like that.

20:59 And if she's internet stalking you, who is she thinking about? She's thinking about you, you know? She's putting investment into trying to figure you out. And, man, like, women, nothing really turns a woman on more than when she thinks that she's figured it out using nothing but her female intuition, you know? And it's all just, it's all mind game stuff. But it's kind of, it's just fun, playful ways of doing things, you know? Like, letting that hamster wheel work. I think the point of this episode is, yeah, girls are going to overemphasize their looks and their value.

21:32 But if you simply don't buy into it and do exactly what they're doing, which is overemphasize your looks, your value, your frame, and your worth, you're going to come out ahead. Why? Because there's so many simps out there that are buying into the women who are trying to get attention on the dating apps and the Instagram and everywhere else. Just don't be that dude. And you'll communicate that, sub-communicate that via your body language, the way you behave, and always run it through the frame. What would I do if I were dating four girls?

22:01 I love that. I love that. I'm going to have to, I'm going to, I'll give you credit for it every time, but I'm going to mention that. I'm going to mention that. Appreciate you, brother. So this was a great conversation. I appreciate you coming on. So tell the boys about your podcast. Where can they find you? Yeah. So I host the Come On Man podcast. It's out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. The Wednesday and Friday ones are live. I do live streams on Wednesday and Fridays at 10 a.m.

22:23 Eastern time. Yeah. I mean, usually Mondays, I have guests on much like this and do an interview. And then Wednesday and Fridays are kind of like a fun pod class where I break down certain concepts and we have a lot of fun with guys in the chat. I wanted to mention something to you that I was going to do after the interview, but it fits right here. It's really good to launch podcasts at the same time. So if I'm on your podcast and you're on mine, we'll both launch it.

22:51 So if you're listening to this, boys, that means I'm on his podcast right now at the same day. It would be Monday because I draw podcasts on Mondays and Thursdays. So we'll coordinate it to launch on Monday, both of us. So go check out his podcast. And I hope you guys got value out of this. It's Paul Bauer of the Come On Man podcast. I'll leave a link for it below. Click on that. Check it out. Support my boy. Real recognizes real. Paul is the real shit.

23:17 Thanks a lot, Mark. I appreciate it. Appreciate you, Paul. Thanks for coming. All right, gentlemen, I do appreciate you listening. Hope you got some nuggets of wisdom out of that one. Go check out his podcast because as we mentioned, I'm on his podcast today. And I have to say, I dropped some gold on that bad boy. So go check that out. Check out Paul Bauer. He's a good dude. As I said, real recognizes real. And he's the real shit. Has good advice. So hope you enjoyed it.

23:41 Remember, I drop podcasts on Mondays and Thursdays. So please stay tuned for the next one. And I will see you in the next episode. We'll see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.