HOW TO BE A GREAT COMMUNICATOR

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. I'd like to be known as a great communicator. If you got beef, don't save it for later. Name that band and win yourself a cotton candy goat. Five seconds, four, three, two, one. That is right. It was 3-11. I don't know how you feel about 3-11. I personally like them quite a bit. Music has been falling off just a little bit lately, but what do you expect, man?

0:38 A band can only be so creative. We learned that from watching Metallica, didn't we? All right. So today, guys, we are going to talk about being a great communicator. I meet so many people in my life as a dating coach. And one of the biggest things I notice is that they're terrible at communication. So in this podcast, we're going to go over some strategies to improve your communication skills with people so that you can make people like you, so that you can make girls get attracted to you, and so that you can be successful in life.

1:12 Why is this so important? Because in my opinion, being a good communicator and furthermore, being able to persuade are the two most important things that you could ever learn in your entire life. The reason that is, is because we human beings are social animals. We are like a super organism who interacts with one another, and if you aren't able to interact effectively with other human beings, you're not going to be successful. I would choose the ability to speak, the ability to communicate, and the ability to persuade over any other ability if I had to do it again.

1:50 Now, you may think to yourself, well, Mark, you're a natural communicator, but that's actually not really true. I have improved through practice. I mean, even if you go through the beginning of this podcast, I've already improved a lot with just 60-some-odd episodes, and that's because I consciously work on this thing. I study it, and I have a long way to go. I still listen to my own podcasts and, like, cringe because it's not perfect. So just like me, you can work on your communication as well.

2:19 This definitely can be learned, and you'll find that when you get to be a better communicator, things just start working out in your life. You make more friends, you get better deals, you get tons of free stuff, and most importantly, you get girls ridiculously attracted to you. All right, so the first rule of being a great communicator is the concept of with them. W-I-I-F-M. What's in it for me? All right, so every person is asking themselves, with them, with them, with them, what's in it for me?

2:49 Now, when you talk to somebody and you make the conversation about them, meaning you steer the conversation so that it goes in the direction of their interests, they are going to like you considerably more than if you do what many people do, which is to be selfish in communication. We've all met the person who always makes it about themselves, who always talks about their accomplishments, their desires, stories about themselves, and always makes it very selfish and almost uses you as a pivot for their own communication.

3:22 But when you can do what's called the swiveling spotlight, which is to make the conversation about them, make the conversation about their interests, bring up stuff that naturally gets them interested. For example, when speaking to a woman and you start talking about, I don't know, scuba diving, and she lights up, you would be wise to notice that and talk more about scuba diving because she's clearly interested in that. I have people hit me up all the time to come on this podcast. And one of the things that fascinates me is they always make it about themselves.

3:55 Hey, I want to come on the podcast. You know, I'm this, I'm that. I could do this. I can do that. Brother, I don't care about you. I want to know what's in it for me. Now, that sounds wholeheartedly selfish and horrible, but it's true. We're human beings. We're naturally selfish. How is my podcast going to benefit from you coming on it? So when I try to get on other people's podcasts, and by the way, I'm having great success doing that. I have four podcast visits coming up.

4:21 I always make it about them. Here's how I can help you. Here's how I can help your audience. Here's what you're going to get. Okay. I always laugh because marketers, and by the way, I was a copywriter for a long time, and copywriter is writing sales material. I always laugh when marketers make it about themselves. We're so excited to be releasing this because we've been wanting to do this for so many years, and it's our passion. Bro, I don't fucking care. What's it going to do for me?

4:49 When you make it about the client, when you make it about the prospect, when you make it about the other person and what they're going to get, the benefits that they're going to get, you're going to have so much more success. So with women, women want to know what's in it for me. When you approach them and you give value, which I always preach, right? Give value. They're getting something from you. That's why I always say, be a go-giver. Go give her something up front. Well, it's the same thing in communication with anybody.

5:19 Are you going to enhance their day, or are you going to take away from it? Are you a giver or a taker? Are you going to drop charisma bombs like you're a C-130 charisma gunship, or are you going to just be a taker and try to talk about yourself and not give them anything? All right. So that first concept, what's in it for me, in my opinion, is one of the most important concepts that you could possibly master in the art of communication. Think about what does this person want?

5:48 How can I give it to them with a little caveat here without being a kiss-ass or a supplicatory kind of guy, but how can I give it to them in the most effective way possible? The reason why I get on podcasts is because I've thought of a way to market their podcasts for them. I've worked hard to create this system where I give, give, give up front, and then they just say to me, hey, why don't you come on my podcast? And then when I go on their podcast, I'm going to try to give some really good information, just like I do with you guys, which is to try to give you good information, give you more than I ask for in return.

6:22 Be like, hey, bro, if you give me an iTunes review, I'm going to give you like 10 times more value than that. I'm going to give you the conversation sniper, guide to the female orgasm, and if you have a question for me, hit me up. Give more than you ask for in return, and you will be a great communicator. Step number two, it's called back-channeling. I was talking to somebody the other day, and while I was talking, at the wrong times, they would back-channel. Now, back-channeling is saying like, uh-huh, oh, really?

6:53 Ah, I see. Oh, right? When you're talking and somebody's back-channeling at the wrong time, it is so frustrating, and I almost wanted to stop and be like, bro, your back-channeling game is crap. You need to back-channel on the high points. You need to do it when a point is made. When you're going, uh-huh, oh, really? Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, right? While somebody's talking, it's like, dude, shut up. I feel like you're not listening to me. I almost feel like you're trying to speed me along to get through my points so you can talk, and that leads me to point number three.

7:28 You don't want to do what so many other people do, which looks like you're just waiting for your turn to speak. So many people, you can see in their face while you're talking, they're just waiting, ah, get done with what you're saying so I can talk. Everybody loves hearing their own voice. Everybody loves talking about themselves, but if you can make it about the other person, you're going to be much more liked and you're going to be a much better communicator. This is why quiet people are often liked.

7:56 It's because they're quiet, they listen, they make it about you, and then it's the big old you show, right? It's all about you, they listen, it feels like you're really being heard, and therefore they like you because of it. So oftentimes quiet people are great communicators, but I do want to say that oftentimes shy people are just afraid. They're afraid of being rejected, so they become shy, they become meek, they become quiet because they don't want to put themselves out there. But we can learn some strategies from the quiet person and that is shut the hell up when people are talking to you and really listen to them.

8:35 That goes to my next point. How do you listen effectively? Well, it's very easy, but at the same time, it's very radical. You shut the hell up. Even in your own mind, you stop thinking. Instead of thinking of your response, instead of thinking about something else altogether, you quiet your thoughts completely, create a space for the person to be there, and simply listen. The times that I was called a good communicator or a good listener is when I just shut the hell up and listened. I didn't even back channel that much.

9:11 I wasn't like, uh-huh, sure. Oh, yeah, really? I would just completely be silent. I would look at the person. I would have zero thoughts going inside my head. I would let the words come in and absorb and just be there and almost at the same time feel my inner energy field. Now, here's an interesting thing you can try with either girls that you're dating or perhaps a friend is anytime you're listening to somebody, feel your heart. Just feel your heart. I've literally been listening to girls who are talking.

9:44 I'm sitting there looking at them. Zero thoughts. Absolute presence. Complete attention. And I'm feeling my heart. I've literally had girls stop and giggle and say, what are you doing? I was doing nothing. Just feeling my heart. They can feel that from you. Because human beings are very, very clairsentient which means we feel energies from one another. Even the energy of you being impatient for your turn to speak. Alright, my next point is when you are talking make your points concisely with the fewest amount of words possible.

10:21 Now, you may be laughing when you hear that because you know that I am long-winded and I tend to go on and on and one of my big challenges is I go on tangents. But if you can make your point concise, if you can be eloquent and say it without so many words but in fact fewer words and more simpler language, then you are going to be a more effective communicator. I like to watch that show Shark Tank. And Mark Cuban is the one billionaire on the panel among other millionaires.

10:51 So he's like the big shark. Well, the show is all about them investing in other people. Now, what Mark Cuban does is he waits until everybody else talks until the end. Why does he do that? Well, it's a really effective communication technique and a negotiation technique where when everybody's talking and putting their chips on the table, when everybody's giving up their game plan and telling him exactly what they're thinking, he can coordinate and plan and execute and do it at the end because he already has all the information.

11:24 So being quiet, listening to what everybody says or even listening to somebody who's across from you what they say, formulating your thoughts and then executing concisely with eloquence, that's the art of being a great communicator. All right, the next technique is based on what's called mirroring. One of the greatest ways to gain rapport with somebody who you just meet is to mirror their breathing style and speaking technique when they first talk to you. So if somebody walks in, let's say you're, I don't know, you're working at Burger King, right?

11:58 You're taking their order. You're like, hey, how are you doing today? And they're like, I'm doing all right. How are you? The best thing you can do is mirror that. You could go, I'm pretty good too. What would you like to eat? It's amazing when you do that, when you mimic people, first of all, they won't notice it like you think they will, but they'll immediately feel rapport for you and a liking for you because you've mimicked what they do. So oftentimes when I'm speaking to a girl for the first time, I'll actually do that kind of stuff just to play with it, just to test it.

12:30 But I find that many times they get in rapport with me. They like me. They suddenly brighten up and get more chipper just because I kind of imitated what they do. Remember, this goes back to with them. Everybody's favorite subject is themselves. So as a great communicator, you need to hold that as premier in your mind. This person's favorite subject is themselves. Therefore, I am going to leverage that and use it to make them like me. When I get on phone calls with clients, it's all about them.

13:02 It's all about them, 100%. I'm interested in you. I want to know what's going on. I want to know about your history. I want to know about what is preventing you from getting the success you want in whatever area of life you're trying to work on. And I can feel that I gain really quick rapport with my clients because I do that. I'm genuinely interested. And that brings me to my next point. Love people and people will love you. Those people who are the most charismatic, they actually love people.

13:31 They actually want to help people. They actually care. And being a great communicator is caring about what the other person is saying. Even a bum can teach you something. Even a sixth grader can teach you something. There's always something to learn from somebody. So shut the hell up and listen. Be present. Feel your heart. Be interested in what they have to say. Everybody has wisdom. You could teach me tons of stuff. I just happen to be the guy on the other side of this mic right now.

13:59 But brother, if you and I ever met, I would be so interested in you. I would be as interested in you as I am in bushcraft or jiu-jitsu or any other stuff I'm interested in. And I think that's why I'm a good coach is because I actually care. I actually listen. I actually try to help the person. I back channel at the right times. And when I'm listening, I'm totally there. I'm not thumbing through Facebook. I'm not looking out the window and looking at a tree and thinking about the birds.

14:26 No. I sometimes even have my eyes closed and I'm just focused so much because I want to help you guys so damn much. And on this podcast, I really try to think, what does this guy need? You, right now, listening to this, I'm trying to figure out what you need. How can I help you? What can I do for you? How can I give you value? Because I know if I give you enough value, eventually, if you're on the fence about hiring me as a coach, you're going to pull the trigger and be like, I trust this dude.

14:56 I think he's going to help me. Yeah, it's kind of expensive for a one session, but I'll tell you what, it's worth it. Best decision I ever made in my life was hiring a coach. I was thinking about that today before I came on this podcast is I was looking in the mirror at the gym and I have tattoos and I'm ripped and like, I'm pretty happy with myself and I was like, bro, like I could not have done this without my coach, Dale. Dale has completely changed my life.

15:19 He's been like a father to me and he's a huge reason that I've been able to grow into the man that I want to be. Personally, I think everybody needs a coach. I'm so all about it, but here I go again on a tangent, right? Being a bad communicator. All right, the next thing is being a detective. You need to figure out and sense and pay attention to people's reactions to what you're saying, reactions to the conversations you're having and reactions to you. Sometimes you'll talk to people who will just keep talking and talking even though you're trying to leave.

15:49 I'm sure you've run into a guy like that or a woman like that where you're like, hey, I got to get out of here right now but it's great talking to you and they're like, oh yeah, sure. Well, anyway, and they keep talking and you're like, bro, are you that socially blind? You can't tell I'm trying to leave right now? So what I do is I'm very, very cognizant of how that person is feeling particularly with women. I am clued in completely to how she's feeling and I'm adjusting based on that.

16:14 If I bring up, I don't know, Supercross, right, which is motorcycle racing. I'm super into it. I love Supercross so much and I see like a blase look on her face, I'm not going to continue with that. I'm going to search for something else that she's interested in. So being a great communicator is making it about the other person, remember the concept of with them, detecting what it is that they're interested in, steering the conversation into things that develop their emotions and give them spikes of endorphins, being a great listener by shutting the hell up and just listening and being present, back channeling at the right time and truly caring about what it is they have to say.

16:54 If you could do all those things, you will radically increase the effectiveness of your communication. People will like you more, you'll be more persuasive, you'll get more things that you want, you'll definitely get more sex from girls and your life will be a lot better. One final tip, a bonus tip here, is practice speaking on a regular basis. I strongly suggest doing public speaking classes either at your community college, you can join Toastmasters or you can do what I'm doing which is start a podcast. A big reason I do this podcast is A, because I love to help you guys, I love this topic, it interests me immensely, but B, it's because I want to be a great communicator.

17:35 I want my legacy to be like, damn, that dude could talk well, he could go on and on and he was a great speaker. I don't even feel like I'm halfway to where I want to be as far as being a speaker and this podcast is a medium where I can practice my communication skills and always try to get better. I'm constantly listening to other podcasts, trying to figure out how people are great speakers, how I can emulate what they do. I'm constantly doing this podcast so that I can get practice and I'm constantly trying to increase my persuasion skills because I know that communication and persuasion are the two most important skill sets you can have as a human being.

18:15 Get those down and you will literally be able to have the life that you want. Thank you so much for listening guys. I do appreciate it. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns, hit me up at coachmarksingh at gmail.com. You can also check out my coaching website coachmarksingh.com and I will see you in the next podcast.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.