How to Be Happy — The Insight That Changes Everything

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, guys? Thank you for joining me on another episode of the UMP. I really do appreciate it. Thank you for coming. And today we are going to talk about how to be happy, that elusive question that plagues us all. And really, can happiness be achieved? And I definitely think it can be, but not in the way that most people think it can be.

0:38 So today we're going to jump into that. You may notice that today's recording is a little bit different, at least sound-wise, from my previous recordings. And that's because I'm traveling right now and some logistical things happened where I was supposed to get home by Sunday evening in order to record this podcast. That's going to launch on Monday. And that's not going to happen. So I needed to figure out how can I record this? How can I keep my promises, both that I made to you guys as well to myself, to launch podcasts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

1:08 So I figured out a workaround and that was recording this on my iPhone. I downloaded this like voice memo thing. So I hope the sound quality isn't crappy. It sounded decent when I tested it, but you never know until you actually upload it. So we'll see how it goes. But that's part of it. Part of happiness is solving problems. And that's what I did today. And I was stoked because I figured it out and I'm going to literally be editing this while we're driving in a car.

1:35 And that's what you got to do sometimes as a man is figure out that workaround. All right, let's jump straight into the content. So here's the truth about life that is uncomfortable to realize. And it took me probably 35 years to finally accept it. And here it is. No matter where you go, there's going to be a pile of crap waiting for you. You turn to the right, pile of crap. You turn to the left, pile of crap. You become an auto mechanic, pile of crap. You become a businessman, pile of crap.

2:03 You become a dating coach who has a podcast, pile of crap. No matter where you go, you're going to have problems. This illusion that the media sells us that problems can be eliminated and we can eventually arrive to a set of conditions where we are free of our problems is just that it's a fucking illusion. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, you are always going to have problems. So what's the secret? The secret is to choose problems that you enjoy solving.

2:35 That's the big idea here is that problems are always there. They're never solved. They're just rearranged as the old band Suicidal Tendencies sang about. Problems never solved, just rearranged. Or the solving of one problem just creates another. So the secret is, again, to get into a situation where you enjoy solving the problems that are given to you. A big problem for most people is they're in a situation where they don't enjoy solving the problems that are given to them. They're in a career they don't enjoy.

3:06 They're in a situation that doesn't bring them fulfillment. So what's the answer there is to figure out, well, what do I like? What is the problem that I want to solve? And then put yourself there. There is no way to avoid them, but there is a way to enjoy solving them. In fact, happiness itself comes from solving problems. That when your mind is free of problems, and we've actually seen this from COVID-19, is when we were free of a lot of problems in this country, we created them.

3:35 We created problems like, oh, this issue is happening, that issue is happening. And then once a real problem comes, like COVID-19, suddenly all those other fickle things faded away. Oh, those weren't real problems. Now this is a real problem. Because the human mind wants to solve problems. So me, for example, I really enjoy solving men's problems in their head and solving their problems with women. When I get hired by a new client, I get really excited to hear about, like, what issues he's dealing with. How can I help him out?

4:04 And then every time we get on the phone, I'm fired up because I want to, like, go into his head and solve all his problems and help him out with that. That really brings me lasting enjoyment. Well, I've been an entrepreneur for a very long time, and I've had many different businesses. And I've been very unsatisfied in several of those businesses because I didn't enjoy solving the problems. I remember I had a press release company, and when clients would write in with this problem or that issue, I would get so irritated.

4:31 I'd be like, God, why can't this just work? And then I'd tell myself, bro, like, your job is to be a fire putter outer, right? That's your job. And I was like, but I don't like that job. And it wasn't satisfying for me. And it wasn't until I really followed my true passion of self-development, trying to help people out, doing a podcast like this one. That's when I really became truly, truly happy. So many men, and it may be you too, you want to get good with girls.

4:57 And that's part of the reason you're listening to a podcast like this one. But you're obsessed with the end state. So I'll talk to clients many times, and I'll be like, well, like, what do you really enjoy doing? What do you want? And they're like, well, I just want those girls in my bed. I just want to be the man, the dude, the guy who's getting all the chicks. And then when they really look at all the problems you have to solve to get girls into your bed, they get totally demotivated and then don't end up moving forward with the project.

5:25 Because inevitably, if you're going to get good with girls, you just chose a whole line of problems to solve. Now, in my opinion, these are good problems to solve because they make you better as a man. They make you a better communicator. You learn how to control the frame. You get better in all areas of your life when you learn how to attract women. And that's a big reason that I'm in this niche because I think we kind of sell the preface of, dude, you're going to get better with women.

5:51 But really what it turns out to be is life coaching. And that's really what I'm passionate about is helping people become happier with their lives in general, not just learning how to attract women, which is also a part of it. But it's kind of like you go under the illusion that once I get good with girls, I'm going to be happy. And then in that, you find that there is no end state of being happy just because I'm good with girls. But instead, the end state, or I should say the journey state is happiness because you're solving problems of getting better with women.

6:24 So guys who are bad with women oftentimes have a supplicatory tone in their voice. Boom, let's solve that problem. They often have bad belief systems, low confidence. Boom, let's solve that problem. They often don't feel like they have enough worth for a high quality girl or sex is wrong. Sex is shameful. Boom, let's solve that problem. So really, it's solving the problem of being an inferior man in your own head makes you more attractive to women. But if you're obsessed with the end state of having that gorgeous girl in your bed, which, by the way, it is going to happen and it is satisfying, but you need to be more obsessed with the journey than the end state.

7:00 And the guys who get really good in this game are obsessed with, like, getting better at talking to girls, going out and approaching, how to get the phone number, how to go on the date. Also, an integral part of being happy, and I've realized this only recently, is you got to choose very carefully what to care about. So you got to choose what fucks to give. So often throughout our lives, we care way too much about shit that's really insignificant. Specifically on, like, social media channels, man, if you're giving too many fucks about that, you are just wasting energy.

7:44 And when you get things that are really important in your life, that's when you let go of those fucks to give about things like, how many likes did I get on this post? Is this the right haircut that I should be flossing? Do these boots look good? I wonder if they saw my watch. Like, all these insignificant things that we give way too many fucks about. When you start to realize that they don't matter and you let them go, you really start to achieve happiness and you save your fucks for the things that are worth giving a fuck about.

8:14 Me, for example, I cared way too much about so much insignificant shit. And then when my daughter came along, she's nine months old now, I just let go of a bunch of stuff. Like, that doesn't matter. This doesn't matter. And I think with maturity, you begin to realize that there's things to care about and there's things that's just a waste of energy. So let me ask you, bro, like, what are you caring about that really doesn't matter? Like, seriously does not matter. And then what I'm suggesting to you is just drop it.

8:41 Let it go. Fuck it. Choose what fucks you're going to give. And the interesting thing is you're trying to become more confident. You're trying to become more attractive. Well, the less you care about these insignificant things, like what this person thinks of you, actually, the more they're going to appreciate you. And like I said in the previous podcast about haters, if you don't have a certain number of people hating on you, then it's like you're not being impactful enough. You're not really making a difference. You're not really being yourself.

9:10 Probably about 10% of people shouldn't like you. So stop trying to, like, fit into everyone's mold. Hey, if they don't like you, whatever. I don't give a fuck. What's important is this, this, and this. So we're going to talk about that in a moment when we talk about how to create your values. Also, on this vein, it's important to know that you can be inadequate sometimes. You know, in this society, they're telling us to be great. You can be an extraordinary person. You can be great at everything.

9:37 And even I tout that message sometimes. But really, if we're all great, then that means we're all average, doesn't it? So it's okay to be inadequate at some things. Like me, for example. I suck at golf. Fuck it. I don't care. I suck at video games. Fuck it. I don't care. I suck at Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune. Like, when that shit comes on TV, everybody else is getting all the answers right. And I'm like, dude, I have no idea. I don't care. Fuck it. Doesn't matter.

10:03 That's not the kind of fucks I'm going to give. The kind of fucks I'm going to give is how much can I help dudes on my podcast? How much can I help dudes when I get them on the coaching calls? How good am I at approaching women and getting them attracted to me? How much have I developed since last year? Right? That's what's important to me. And also now my family, like my daughter. That's important to me. Not what kind of watch I'm wearing compared to this other dude who I met on our vacation.

10:30 Who gives a shit? It's arbitrary. It's insignificant. And it doesn't create lasting happiness. So check out this concept. We have evolved to be dissatisfied. The reason we've evolved to be dissatisfied is because it's a survival mechanism. It's the dissatisfied that innovate and ensure our species survival. So when you're dissatisfied, you're living in a cave and there's like a little bit of rain trickling in. You're like, dude, this is no good, man. I can't sleep right. I'm getting sprayed with rain. You're going to go find a better cave.

11:00 And then after you find a better cave, you're going to be like, ah, sleeping in a cave kind of sucks because it fills with smoke. Let me build a wiki up and like a shelter and improve that way. Then you build that. And you're like, man, I don't like having to go outside to take a piss. Let's build a home with actually a toilet inside of it. And let's build a kitchen. And let's build this. That's how society innovated is dissatisfaction. So you got to be like, okay with your dissatisfaction and leverage it to better your life because it's there for a reason.

11:28 There's a concept created by Ed Milet called blissfully dissatisfied that I really like. So blissful means you're appreciative for what you have. You look back and you realize how far you've come. You are your own hero. You're appreciative for all the things that surround you, your health, the fact that you have ears to listen to this podcast, the fact that you have eyes to see around you. All these things that we have, you're very appreciative for, but you're still unsatisfied. You want more, not wanting more necessarily to create an end condition that's going to bring you happiness, but solving the problems, going through your life, solving problems, cracking them out, that satisfaction of achieving the next thing by solving a problem.

12:10 That's where happiness lies. So another important concept of this is the fact that many people fall into what's called the pleasure trap. So right now we're traveling and while you're traveling through the United States, you get the opportunity to see a lot of obese people. We're doing a road trip right now because as you know, flying isn't good because of COVID. So yesterday we stopped at Quickie Mart or like QT Mart or something like that to get some gas. And I'm just sitting there filling up the gas tank and looking at all the fat people in middle America.

12:40 Right now we're in Nebraska and I was just looking at all these fat people and it reminded me that many of us fall into what's called the pleasure trap. That we're constantly seeking dopamine hits in order to try to find happiness, but it's actually an illusion. It works the other way around. So when people are eating all the time, eating junk food and like as you go through middle America, man, holy crap. It's just nothing but shit food. Fried food. Even at McDonald's, man. It seems like they use more salt and more oil in Nebraska than they do in Colorado.

13:13 So people are just trying to get, get, get, get these like hits of dopamine, these pleasures like let's get more because eventually if I can just get enough of them, maybe I can finally achieve happiness. Or even this, the short-term happiness that's derived from eating Taco Bell and McDonald's is better than the pain of not eating it. But actually it's the other way around that when you have discipline and let's just take diet, for example, when you are disciplined in your diet and you actually control what you eat, then you feel better in the long run.

13:43 So it's like these short-term dopamine hits of pleasure give you pleasure for a short time. But when you actually have discipline and you live your life for long-term fulfillment, fulfillment over pleasure, then it's sustainable. So I have a really pinned diet and I feel good most of the time. So when I compare myself to these fat people at QT Mart or whatever, and they're eating like shit, they're getting these dopamine hits and they're like enjoying in the short term. But in the long-term, it brings them more pain.

14:15 And that's why I say do things that are hard and your life will be easy. Do things that are easy and your life will be hard. Well, what's hard? Hard is maintaining that diet. We just had like a family thing where everybody was eating chocolate cake and all these like crappy foods and I had to control myself. I'm like, I'm not eating the chocolate cake. I'll give myself a hamburger and I'll give myself some chips, but I'm not going to eat the litany of just crap food that's waiting here for me because I know it's not going to not going to help me progress.

14:44 So once again, when you do things that are hard, your life will be easy. When you do things that are easy, your life will be hard or choose pain voluntarily to avoid involuntary pain. All right, guys. So to round out this podcast, what this really comes down to is choosing your value system, your metrics. So when we talk about getting girls, right? My question for you is, do you value getting lots of pussy, getting that feeling of getting your dick sucked, getting the feeling of release, getting the feeling of looking good in front of your friends?

15:16 Or do you value making yourself more attractive to women as a means to maximize yourself as a man? So that's the question. What do you value? Do you value being ripped to show off to others how healthy and put together you are? Or do you value being ripped as a sign to yourself that you're showing discipline and making your health and fitness a priority? Do you want to get money for watches and Bentleys so you can prove to others how rich you are? Or do you want money to amplify the good person you are, have more freedom in your life, give to others?

15:47 Why is it that you want what you want? We have to reevaluate our value system. In this society, it's so much pressed upon us to get these things in order to impress others, in order to achieve a lasting state of happiness, a lasting state of dopamine hits. But really, when you step back, that's an illusion. And why is it an illusion? Because the marketing companies want to sell you shit. They want to sell you the watch, not because it's good for you, but because it's going to make them money.

16:14 Because they too want money many times for wrong reasons. So this marketing is constantly telling you, man, happiness is found in the end result. But it's not. It's found in the journey. It's found in solving problems. Bad values are immediately fulfilling. Good values have long-term positive effects. Happiness should be a side effect of solving your problems. And that's the big point here. Happiness is a side effect of solving problems. So some of the best, happiest experiences for you are going to be the hardest, right? So raising a kid, starting a business with pain, getting into shape, building something in your life that's very, very difficult, but it has lasting fulfillment.

16:58 Getting good with women, not to get pussy and to get your dick sucked, but to better yourself as a man and to enjoy the journey. And yeah, man, like I get it. Getting pussy and getting your dick sucked and having good food, that's all great, but it needs to be tempered with balance and happiness is not found there. So I still want to enjoy all the great fruits of my labor. I still want to have the nice car. I still want to eat the food, but there's the perception that if I lose it, it's like I'm not attached to it.

17:27 I can drop it. That real happiness comes in the solving the problem. So even if you take my business from me, even if this podcast gets shut down, I'll find a way to just do another one because the joy is in the solving of the problems, the journey, as they say. So what's the joy for you? What problems do you really like solving? Find that and you will find happiness. All right. And finally, I want to end this with a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche. One day in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most fulfilling.

17:57 And that's so true. So don't buy into the illusion that the media is trying to sell you. Instead, follow your own lead. Be your own hero. Do that, which you enjoy doing, not for the end state, but for the journey itself. All right, guys. I really do thank you for listening to this podcast. If the sound quality was shitty and you lasted this long, I do appreciate that as well. We're getting home tomorrow. So Wednesday's podcast will be crystal clear as it usually is. If you found any value whatsoever in this podcast, I would sincerely appreciate a review.

18:29 I'm trying to grow this podcast, get more people to listen to it. And the more reviews I get, the better I end up in the search rankings and the more listeners I get and thus the podcast grows. So thank you again for listening and I'll see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.