My Hilarious Story of Going to Jail While Driving Strippers

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up guys? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. Happy Monday. I hope you had an awesome weekend and today I am going to tell you one funny ass story about an experience I had while driving strippers. That's right. I used to be a bodyguard driving strippers back when I was an idiot when I was 23 years old and I'm going to show you the sheer stupidity of my 23 year old mind in this story today.

0:42 It's pretty interesting. It's pretty funny and I swear everything is true. I did go to jail. What I'm about to explain really did happen. All of it is completely true. So help me God. Before I jump into the content, I want to thank you guys yet again for the awesome testimonials. They finally all hit on the American iTunes this morning. As I spoke about in a previous episode, iTunes was a little bit slow to get the reviews with the writing behind them uploaded onto their American iTunes database.

1:11 I guess it takes a human to approve them. Well, they finally got around to them and about 20 new ones went up today and I was just reading through them and they made me cry like a schoolgirl in the corner of my bed in the cannonball position. Got me so emotional in fact that I did the old hiccup crying where you go like that. That's how much it affected me and I really do appreciate it. You guys, if you leave me a review, if you go through my content and realize that this stuff makes the cut, then please leave me a five-star review.

1:40 Leave some writing behind it. Email me at coachmarksingh at gmail.com and I will send you the conversation sniper, 150 deadly one-liners for building attraction, guide to the female orgasm, make her look like a screaming demon that just got hit with a hurricane, and three texts to build massive attraction in women. Impress your friends, baffle your enemies. So today is storytelling day. Not a whole lot of education going on, but hey, sometimes we just need to be entertained, don't we? So if you're having kind of a shitty Monday, this might be the podcast for you because this is going to be really entertaining and I want to start the story with the story of something that literally just happened 20 minutes ago.

2:17 So as some of you who have been listening for a while, no, I like to do a cheat day every once in a while and I go to Burger King. So I was just at Burger King and as some of you heard in my previous episode, there's always people begging for money on the street adjacent to Burger King. So this time it was a dude. So I pull my car in as I do. I go in and all the Burger King people call me cheat meal.

2:40 What's up cheat meal? And I walked in and this one guy's like, do you ever play Call of Duty? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, cause you look exactly like ghost from Call of Duty. And I was kind of laughing cause I am apt to dress in all black. And then I have this like black face covering thing that I wear with a hat and then a hoodie on my head. And then I have gloves that like have bones on them, kind of like skeleton gloves.

2:59 That's just the way I like to roll. I like to look like an assassin. And he was all talking to me about Call of Duty. And I'm like, I've never played this shit before, but I know enough to carry a conversation on with it. So that was pretty cool. So I see this guy begging for money. He's not closing a lot of people because he's standing in a place where it's not really good to be standing. It's where the traffic's going by. So I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, bro, like, why don't you move over to that stop sign over there?

3:24 You'd get such higher conversion. So I was like, okay, I'm going to go ahead and hook this dude up. And what I do is I have a bunch of five $1 bills gathered together and I stick them all behind the passenger seat and they have paper clips. So it's like five ones. And then inside I have a little note. And basically the note talks about the law of attraction, that what you think equals your reality. Here, actually, let me pull this up and read it to y'all.

3:48 The note says your thoughts are like a magnet attracting to you the same energy you're putting out there. Negative thoughts equal negative circumstances. So choose your thoughts very carefully and don't believe everything you think! You can completely change your life with this understanding. It worked for me and it'll work for you too. Your friend, Mark Singh. So what I do is I paperclip these five individual ones together and then I put that little note in them and then I slap it to homeless people when I see one.

4:16 Well, anyway, I stop and I pull over and I'm like, what's up, brother? He's like, hey man, what's up? I'm like, what's the greatest nation in the world? And he's like, um, America. And I was like, nope, a donation. And then I hand him the five bucks and he starts laughing. And I was like, listen, man, let's go ahead and increase your conversions. What do you say? He's like, yeah, for sure. I'm like, first of all, make that sign. Okay. What's the best nation in the world?

4:44 Question mark, a donation exclamation point. Boom. Your conversions are going to go up by 200% with that sign alone. Then dude, don't sit in a through traffic area. Go sit by that stop sign over there where people naturally stop. And he's like, yeah, I was thinking about that, but I don't know. And I was like, trust me, bro, your conversions are going to go up. So anyway, him and I chat for a little while and like, he was like a regular looking dude, probably 35 look totally capable.

5:02 So I don't know what his deal was, but you know what? It doesn't matter. As I spoke about in a previous podcast, it isn't our job to judge whether or not that human being is doing the right thing. Our job is to express our compassion and to try to help other human beings. As the Tao Te Ching says, wrap your mind around this one. What is a bad man, but a good man's job. Now, what that means is, is that bad people, we are responsible to try to help them become good people.

5:30 Cause all of us were douchebags. As we're about to find out, I was a total douchebag in my early twenties. And so it's not my job to judge him. So I gave him that money. But as I was driving home, I was thinking, man, I just love giving people advice. Don't I homeboy didn't even ask for my advice. And here I am giving him notes, telling him where to stand, improving his sign, increasing his conversions by at least 200%. And then I was laughing. I was like, dude, if I was a homeless person, I'd be like making like a hundred bucks an hour.

6:01 I'd fucking optimize everything. If you and I were out there together, man, I'd slap you in a wheelchair. We get a puppy dress, like super homeless, make the most awesome signs ever. We'd utilize where's choke points are natural choke points. And we'd be crushing it if we were doing that. I mean, I like to give advice. That's for damn sure. That's why I have this podcast. And if I ever met God, I'd be like, Hey, buddy, you know, you mind if I give you a little bit of advice, a little bit of constructive criticism.

6:24 And he's like, uh, yeah, I'm God. Like I'm pretty much perfect, but go ahead and try. And I'll be like, bro, what's the deal with the penis? Why do you have our sexual organ? The same place where pee comes out? Were you, what are you drunk? You idiot. Why did you do that? It's like sometimes, and you guys can relate to this, you go take a piss and it could be like just minutes before you hook up with a girl. And as you know, no matter how much you wiggle, no matter how much you dance, the last drop of pee pee will end up in your pants.

6:53 So here you are, you just pissed. You try to get that fucker cleaned off, but then it comes out and she's starting to suck on it. Just a few minutes later, you're like, Oh my hell man. She's probably getting a little piddle in her mouth. What kind of design is that God? And let me ask you this. Why did you put the butthole two inches away from the vagina? Are you high? Were you fucking smoking weed the day you created the male and female sexual organs?

7:18 What idiot. We should have the butthole on the bottom of our right foot, the P hole on the bottom of our left foot, and then the penis on the top of our head and her the same way. That way the sexual organs are furthest away from the pee pee and poo poo organs. That's a better way to design it. So there you go. God, a little bit of advice for you there, buddy. All right. So let's get into how I went to jail when I was driving strippers.

7:41 All right. So I got to get back into this mentality. I was 23 years old. It was literally 20 years ago. And I want to give a huge caveat here. I was an idiot. My brain had clearly not finished developing. I was stupid. I was immature and I was a moron. I was a complete idiot when I did all this stuff. And I don't know if you guys know, but your brain actually doesn't finish developing until you're 25. For those of us who are over 25, particularly those of us who are 40 and above, we can think of our time, you know, after high school, in college, and a little bit after college is probably the stupidest time of our entire lives.

8:18 And I made so many bad decisions, including embarrassingly the decisions I'm going to show you today. Okay. So when I was 22, I worked at Oakley sunglasses. Now Oakley sunglasses is in Southern California. It's up by Santa Margarita and orange County. For those of you who live in the area. And I was a customer service rep. Well, I found it very funny to speak on the phone in an Australian accent. When people will call me now, you Australians, brace yourself because they would call me. I would answer the phone, right?

8:49 This is nitro. Thank you for calling. And then I was speaking in Australian accent. They'd tell me their sunglasses were broken. And I'd say, right, send them on in, in like a boomerang, they'll be right back to you. And dude, they loved me. All the clients and customers loved me. But one day the manager took me into her office and said, what is this? She played a recording of it. And I was like, Hey, I'm providing great customer service. People love nitro. The Oakley customer service rep from Pith, Australia.

9:22 And she's like, you're fired. You're so fired. It's not even funny. And I was like, whatever. I didn't want to work here anyway. You fucking idiot. So I walk out and I'm like, God, hell, what am I going to do? I have a rent to pay. Got to feed myself. And then my buddy had just started driving strippers. So what is driving strippers? Strippers are, as you know, girls who take off their clothes in front of guys, but there's this whole movement of stripping where they actually come to your house.

9:49 Now at the time, this was 2000, the year 2000. And I remember dude, because I had a lowered black Honda Civic on 17 inch rims, racing heart rims, all blacked out. And I remember my license plate said 2000 heart, which meant year 2000 Honda Civic on racing heart rims. What a jackass. And I had like black dyed hair. That was all spiky. Oh my God. I was a douche canoe of the highest degree. So anyway, I hit up my friend. I'm like, yo, what's the deal with the strippers? He's like, dude, it's so awesome, bro.

10:20 I'm making like $4,000 a month. And I was like, what? You're a millionaire. He's like, I know. And they're hiring. And I was like, dude, sign me up, bro. I don't know how to fight. I couldn't take care of myself. If anything happened, clearly I can't even take care of myself because I'm getting fired from every job I have, but I want to drive strippers. That's what I want to do. So I go in, do the interview, get hired. And I started driving this chick named Dawn.

10:45 Okay. So here's how it works. Somebody calls. And at that time they would get the information from like the back of newspapers, I think, where it would be like an escort service. But in California, of course, prostitution is illegal. So all they would say on the phone is, yeah, I'll come over and I'll strip, right? We won't do anything, but guys were expecting sex. So some fat chick answers the phone, says, hi, this is, you know, whatever, Emily. And he's like, hi, um, can you come over?

11:13 And she'd be like, of course, hon, I'll come right over. So then she'd call my stripper. Me and my stripper would be like at her house or my house or Denny's or wherever. And then we would go over to this guy's house. Well, it's 150 bucks to get her in the door. Okay. So she shows up to the door, goes in. Now I'm outside, but homeboy doesn't know I'm outside. She goes in, collects the 150 bucks, and then she walks to the front door and opens it. And I'm right there and I take the money.

11:39 Now this is to show him, okay, there's somebody else with her. Now what happens is she goes in, she does a little dance for him and he jacks off, comes, and then she leaves and hopefully she gets a tip. So when she's doing that, I'm basically outside as the quote unquote bodyguard, which was ridiculous because I couldn't have killed a half dead spider. If it happened to land on my hand, I mean, I didn't know how to fight and knowing what I know now about Brazilian jujitsu and Muay Thai and stuff.

12:06 It's like, dude, anybody could have decimated me. But frankly, I got off on the full bluff game, dude, bluff game on 1000. I pretended I could fight. I even said it once. I'm like, what's up, dude? You don't think I know how to box? Fucking idiot, dude. So anyway, she goes in and collects the money. Blah, she hands it to me. I put it in the car and she's in there for like, how long does it take a dude to beat off? Like 10 minutes, 10, 15, 20 minutes sometimes. So she goes in, does her thing, comes out.

12:35 We've got some pretty good tips sometimes and she'd split the tips with me. Then we would drive to the next one and the next one. Well, I do it with the same chick because she really liked me and two embarrassing story for a different podcast, but I hooked up with her. Oh my hell. I got Willie lump lump. Let me just put it that way. That was a bad decision. Her and I started dating and then I got all jealous and like freaked out. We would always fight.

13:02 I'm telling you, man, I came from a really, really bad place. I was a, I was a douche copter in every sense of the word. So, okay. One day here's the story, dude. This is so funny, man. It's completely true. I'm not embellishing even one part of this. Okay. So one day we get called and we get called to a pretty affluent neighborhood. So she walks up to the door as usual. You know, it's standard operating procedure. She goes in, gets 150 bucks, hands it out to me.

13:31 And I'm in the car chilling, kind of waiting. And this is again, suburbia, nice, like six bedroom house. Seemed like they had some money. So I wasn't too worried about it. So I get a call and she's like, how would you feel about coming in here? And I was like, well, she's like, yeah, he, he likes guys too. You don't have to do anything, but he'll give us more money if you come in. And I was like, uh, okay. Is it like safe? And she's like, yeah, it's fine.

13:52 It's fine. Trust me. Come on in. So dude, I swear to God, this is true. So I walk in bro. And the dude is naked wearing high heels, pantyhose, a garter belt and a strap on dildo. I shit you not, dude. I was like, the fuck am I looking at? Okay. So I walk in as a white dude, right? It looks like the typical white suburban family guy. And sure enough, he was a family guy. Look at his fireplace above his fireplace. He's got like two daughters and a wife.

14:25 So I'm like, Oh my God, what in the hell happens in society behind closed doors? Well, I'm getting a sneak peek at it. So I look at his face and his lips are all black, right? And I don't do drugs. So I'm not very privy to what that means, but it means he's doing cocaine. So he's doing cocaine and like, Oh God, like under the dildo, I could see his dick and he was limp and he was a grower, not a shower. If you know what I mean, rocking the angry inch, but I wasn't looking at it.

14:54 I was just took a peek and I was like, why isn't this guy? Why doesn't he have a boner? So I'm talking to Dawn was her name. And I was like, what's the deal with this dude? She's like, he's super high on cocaine. He's into guys and girls. He wants us to go have sex in his bedroom while he stands outside the door and he listens. And I'm like, what? I can't, I can't do that right now. She's like, no, no, we'll just pretend. I'm like, all right.

15:14 So dude, we walked to the bedroom and he's following us and we go into the bedroom and we close the door and we lock it. And so we go over to the bed and we kind of like start banging on the bed, like kicking it. And we're both going, oh, oh. And Dawn's like, oh, oh, right. So we're pretending to have sex. And dude, I hear this guy from the other side of the door. He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And it was like, I couldn't stop from laughing.

15:47 So I'm like, I got my hand over my mouth and I'm trying not to laugh. And Dawn's kind of cracking up. And we're like, dude, what the fuck is happening? So we do that for like 10 minutes and we come out and he's just got this big grin on his face. This is what he wanted. I guess he had a fantasy of like listening to people have sex. Hey, you know, choose your tobacco. So we come out a little bit and then, and then he's like, okay, thank you so much.

16:07 And he gives me like 60 bucks. And I was like, damn, that was pretty easy. Go into some random white guy's bedroom, kick his bed a little bit, go a couple of times and then get paid 60 bucks. I'm liking this. So I get back in the car and then like an hour later, Dawn comes out. Oh, by the way, another stripper showed up and I guess they like, he paid them to shave his balls. Dude, I swear to God, bro, you wouldn't believe some of the shit that people do.

16:35 Oh, okay. So I'm in the car. Finally, she comes out and she shows me this thing. It's a blank check. So I'm like, what, what's going on? And she's like, dude, he told us to take this blank check and just write in whatever amount we want for the tip. And I was like, what? And she's like, yeah, seriously. And I was like, well, what do you want to do? She's like, let's write in a thousand dollars. And at that time, I guess you could call the bank and check his bank account somehow.

17:01 So she was really good at it. She's scandalous, bro. Like these chicks are just like one breath short of a criminal. Anyway, some of them, I'm not saying all strippers are bad. This chick was. So she somehow like calls his bank and figures out he's got like, whatever, a couple grand in there. So we're like, dude, let's take a thousand. And that was a lot, you know, I admit it, but I was a douchebag back then. And I admit it forthright. So the next day, now, once again, I'm 23, my brain has not finished developing.

17:26 All right. Today, I would never do this. But the next day was Halloween. And I remember it because I'll tell you why I remember in a minute. But the next day we're like, okay, let's go cash this check. Well, you had to go into the bank to cash the check. So we write in a thousand dollars. He signed it and everything. So I go in and I hand the teller the check. And I remember it's Halloween because the teller on his forehead wrote teller. And, and it was kind of funny, you know, ha ha bank teller.

17:52 So I walk in and I hand in the check. He's like, yeah, no worries. Let me, uh, we just got to wait a second to get cash out of the vault, uh, for the thousand. Once again, guys, 23 years old. I was an idiot. All right. So he's like, just go ahead and sit down. So I sit down and like five minutes goes by 10 minutes goes by and I'm kind of starting to get worried as I should have idiot. So right when I was like, all right, dude, this isn't feeling good.

18:18 I better dip out of here. I was just about to get out, get up and walk out. 10 cops came in through both doors, like five through one door, five through the next. They all run over to me. I'm just sitting there. Thankfully they didn't fly through the air and kick me in the face and then arrest me when I'm like, I'm not resisting. Don't tase me, bro. No, they like grabbed me and they're like, you're under arrest. I was like, Whoa, what's going on? So eventually they pull me in the side room.

18:40 I'm handcuffed up to this chair. I'm like, dude, what's going on? They're like, what happened? And I told him the truth. And they're like, yeah, he called in that check stolen. Okay. So calls in a stolen check. Obviously I'm the dude who tried to cash it. Cops are called. I get arrested. So I'm like, nah, dude, like he's crazy. Dildo, pantyhose, shaved balls, masturbating outside the room, telling the whole story. Right. And they're kind of cracking up. So they're like, you're going to jail today. And I remember the, I remember this, like it was yesterday.

19:11 I remember when the guy said those words, you're going to jail today. Now I'd never been to jail. You know, at that time I couldn't fight. I was a skinny little 23 year old white boy. And bro, this was next to Compton. I forgot to tell this. It was next to Compton, California. It was off Crenshaw Boulevard. It was, I think it was century city, but I was going to go to like to Compton jail. Do you guys know anything about Compton jail? Yeah. Just listen to some Tupac and some Snoop Dogg.

19:37 You'll learn all about it. So I'm like shit in my pants. And so I got my lowered Honda Civic in the parking lot and I'm begging these cops. I'm like, please get a flatbed truck. If you guys get a regular tow truck to tow my lowered Civic, it's going to destroy the back end. And I had like ground effects on it, which make it look even lower. It was kind of a sick car. I really liked it. So they were cool. They got me the flatbed truck and I had all this money in my center console, probably like 150 bucks and change in cash.

20:04 Some motherfucker stole it all. Probably the tow truck guy. So anyway, I go, I go to jail and I'm in jail and I don't remember much about it. I was literally there for 12 hours. I remember getting fingerprinted. I was put like in this little cage while they were processing me. And then they put me in a holding cell with one other dude. And I remember this dude, he's like, he's like, what are you in for? And I was like, Oh, I tried to, you know, the stripper thing, try to cash a check.

20:29 And I'm like, how about you? He's like, they think I stole a car, but you know, that car was sitting there with the keys in it. And I thought it was my friend's car. I didn't know. I did. I'm like, I'm 23 and a stupid idiot. But even I know you're lying. You fucking dingbat. So anyway, have a couple of meals in there, slap a biscuit, have the whole jail experience. And right when I was over it, my mom, as well as the stripper Don came to bail me out.

20:50 Dude, when I walked out of those doors, you should have seen the look on my mom's face, the most disappointed look. Like I just told her I wanted to go to college to become a professional mime or a professional ventriloquist. The look on her face was just sheer disappointment. And then Don, that slutty stripper was there. She was all trying. It was horrible. So think about this guy, right? He has a freaking family who was clearly on vacation, a wife, two girls. He's got strap on dildos.

21:21 He's doing cocaine. He's wearing high heels and a garter belt. Then he calls the check in stolen on the guy who was just at his house the night before. Pretty fucking stupid. Now I'm not a vengeful person. So I didn't go and do anything about it, but I'll tell you what, 90% of the other bodyguards probably would have done something about it. I didn't, you know, I'm a peaceful guy, but that was pretty dumb of him. So we get out of jail, go home. And my mom's like, you know, you really need to reconsider some of the decisions you're making, Mark.

21:51 And I'm like, whatever, mom, you don't understand. And then like storm out, right? Just like an idiot. But man, there were other, there's, there's probably like five other similar stories that I'm going to tell in this podcast. As the months and years go on, I want to save some of them because they're so damn good. But dude, I had a gun pulled on me. I got jumped. I got in a car chase, some really awesome shit. But I feel that is one of the funniest ones.

22:15 And bro, I've seen, I've seen similar things, you know, guys wearing women's clothing, the stories that Dawn tells me, she told me she had to poop on a guy's chest while he was masturbating. I swear to God, dude, this shit happens. So that's the story of today. Guys wanted to start your Monday with a few laughs. Hope it was mildly entertaining for you. I also want to let you guys know who listened this far through it. I want you to show up again on Wednesday. If you wouldn't mind reason being is I'm having surgery, some pretty major surgery on Wednesday, and I'm really scared.

22:49 I'm going to be honest with you guys. I'm really, really afraid. So I'm dropping a podcast that I've been waiting to drop just for this reason on Wednesday about fear, about fear. And this is more of a podcast for myself. But what I'm hoping I can do is have some of you guys come back on Wednesday, listen to it. And I'm going to tell you the exact time I'm going to be having surgery. And I'm kind of hoping you guys can send me some good vibes because I'm scared, man.

23:12 I'm, I'm pretty scared. And I'm going to use all the strategy that I teach my own clients to conquer their fears, to conquer, approach anxiety. But to me being put under and being cut open and worked on, I don't like that because I'm out of control. I don't like needles as I've explained to many of you, because I had a trauma when I was a kid. I've gotten over that trauma, but this surgery I've been putting off and I'm deciding to go into the fear willingly because it's something that needs to happen.

23:38 And so I'm hoping you all can show up on Wednesday, give me some support. I hope to drop a really good one then about fear and how to conquer it. And I'm going to be listening to that podcast probably right before I go in. And then I want you guys to send me the old, you know, hang in there, bud, while I'm in surgery. So please show up again on Wednesday. If you found value in this podcast, please do leave a review. Email me at coachmarksing at gmail.com and I'll send you a bunch of cool shit.

24:05 One other thing I want to say is I'm recording today. Today is Saturday. I'm recording today's podcast, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, because I'm going to be kind of out of it for a while. So all those would be prerecorded. So if I die, Marissa is going to come on on Monday and say, sorry guys, good old Mark Singh kicked off his wave. He's kicked the bucket and he is out of here. But you know, they're telling me it's, I'm not going to die. They telling me it's pretty safe.

24:27 I mean, there's a chance, but between you and me, I still got a lot of miles left, man. We got a lot of laps left around the track, lots and lots and lots to teach you guys. So I don't feel my mission here is over. I'm feeling good about the surgery. I have a sense it's going to go fine. But once again, I won't be doing another podcast until Monday, which will be after the surgery. So show up on Wednesday, show up on Friday, support the UMP, support me, send me some good vibes, maybe even leave me a review.

24:59 I'd really appreciate that. And when I do come back, I'm going to come back stronger than ever because I faced my fears and a man who faces his fears finds the shortcut to growth. The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. And that's why I'm doing this. I need to challenge myself. So wish me the best of luck, brother. Your help is greatly appreciated. I got another awesome one coming up on Wednesday and of course on Friday. So please stay tuned and I will see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.