The Correct Way to Show VULNERABILITY to Women

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, gentlemen? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. Happy Thursday, and thank you for joining me. My name is Mark Sing, and I am your host today, and I am also a NLP dating coach. I help you get girls. That's all I'm going to say about it right now, because I know you're sick of hearing it, and if you're like most of my guys, you listen to multiple episodes, so go find out about my coaching in some other episode.

0:40 In this one, we are going to talk about how to correctly show vulnerability to a woman. We're going to talk about why it's so important to show vulnerability in the right way and in the right ratios to a woman, and how so many guys get this absolutely wrong. This is why most guys get into the friend zone with women. But we're going to teach you how to not only stay out of the friend zone with this, but actually build enough trust and connection that if your goal is to have sex with her sooner rather than later, this is going to speed up that process.

1:11 But more importantly, perhaps, is to get her to trust you, to get that deep level of rapport, to get that deep level of connection, so that, you know, you can have a more positive experience with these girls rather than, which I was guilty of, just being perceived as a player who has a lot of great game initially, but who doesn't really know how to connect with a woman. And what I talked about recently in a different podcast episode was understand women. And as I talked about in that episode, it's really important that they feel like we understand them, they feel like we hear them, and that's going to build into what I'm going to talk about today, which is both the trust and connection rule, a podcast that I did, I think it was like podcast 86 or something like that.

1:55 So it's probably about two years ago or a year and a half ago, so I'll repeat some of the information from that one in here, but also what I spoke about in the recent podcast, Attraction Booster 1000, telling women what they're attracted to. Before I jump into the content, I want to give a shout out to my listener and my client, his name is Robert, and he got a tattoo that was inspired a little bit by my podcast, but just the awesome quote of follow your fears.

2:21 I talked about this in recent episodes, why you should move into pain and fear willingly, and then anti-fragile masculinity, how when you follow your fears, that's actually where happiness lies. And he sent me a picture of that, man, that moved me. Shout out to you, Robert. That was absolutely fantastic. In no way was that like my philosophy. That's been around, I'm sure, for thousands of years, but it's just a really awesome quote. And he said, hey, man, you inspired me to get this, or the way I take it is I showed him something that he would have found anyway.

2:53 I was just a street sign pointing the way to that destination that really resonated with him. And that's what I do as a coach. Like, you guys know all this shit intuitively, and that's why I think a lot of you guys resonate with me is because, like, this is just truth. This is what just makes sense. And you kind of know it intuitively, but we've been lost, haven't we? We've been taught other bullshit by our parents, the media, our friends, teachers, siblings, and the like, and then we get led astray.

3:20 So when you come back to this realization, this realization of truth, it feels good. It hits. It resonates. And that's why I think you guys listen to this. That's why I think I have, you know, a big following is because I speak the truth. You know, I put myself out there. I followed my fears. I've been rejected shit hundreds of times, if not thousands. And I've been through the pain in order to get to the level I'm at now. And I want to share with you guys what I've learned.

3:46 So let's first get into this trust and connection thing. Okay. So a lot of guys who listen to my podcast are players, right? They want to get good with women. They want to have experiences with many women. And we kind of get into that player mentality where it's like notches on the bedpost, notches on our belt. How many chicks can I knock out? How many chicks can I bring down to my stabbing cabin and just absolutely crush it with? We get into that mentality. And as I spoke about in a recent episode, the eight signs that you're successful in life, I think it's necessary that you do that.

4:19 But I think the more fulfilling relationship with the woman is when you actually connect with her and you have that deep-seated bond and that deep-seated relationship. But a lot of us get into that player mentality where we just want to get points on the board. So when you're in that, a lot of the times we can get blown out by girls because they don't trust us. There wasn't enough vulnerability being shown. We weren't real with her enough. And as I talked about in that way old episode, trust and connection, we didn't build that trust and connection with her.

4:52 Okay. So what is this trust and connection? Well, it's just as it sounds. Building rapport. Now, most of you guys do this incorrectly where you start with rapport. Okay. And this is quite logical because this is how we're taught to make people like us. Try to build similarities. Try to laugh at what she says. Be extremely agreeable. Be that like hunky-dory best friend on the side of the street who you think logically she's going to like you for. But in fact, it kills attraction. However, I don't want you to underestimate the importance of building that rapport, building that connection and showing that vulnerability because it has its place too.

5:29 The problem is, is you guys usually flip-flop it. You start with the rapport and then you'll later do the flirting stuff or you won't do it at all because you don't know how to do it. So we always start with flirting. And what is flirting? It's stuff like push-pull, telling stories, hypo stories, self-deprecating humor, qualifying, teasing her, fucking around, having a good time. Like being silly, right? Because girls just want to have fun. We always start with that. But in the first conversation, we want to have about 20% trust and connection, 20% showing vulnerability.

6:02 Now, there's a right way and a wrong way to show vulnerability, which I'm going to get to in a second. But I want you to get these percentages in your head first. Okay, so when it comes to building that rapport, that trust, that connection, the first conversation should have about 20% of it. The first date should have about 30% of it. The second, third, and maybe fourth date, about 40% of it. And then when you're in a relationship with her, it's about 50-50. Okay, so this is trust and connection, 50-50, as opposed to flirting techniques, busting her balls, push-pull, all the things that I've taught in this podcast.

6:39 But more importantly, what I teach in my three-month coaching program to a very, very deep level. My guys become extremely skilled at being able to flirt with girls, banter with them, get them attracted to them, so they can take them exactly how they want them, right? Do I want to take you on a date, do I want to make you my girlfriend, or do I want to blow you out? See, you go from being chosen all the time by these sea donkeys, canyon mules, and mountain trolls to having the choice to pick which girl you want.

7:08 And again, when I say mountain trolls, canyon mules, and sea donkeys, I'm talking about not only looks, but personality. So the reason most guys have problems with women is they do too much one or the other, too much rapport building. I'm trying to become your friend. I want you to like me. I'll do you favors. I'm going to be the fucking floor mat that you can wipe your feet on while you go like sleep with another guy, right? That's what a lot of us have become.

7:34 Or we get really good at game and we don't open up. We feel inauthentic, disingenuous. That's because we're not doing enough trust and connection. So let's review the ratios and I'm going to tell you exactly what trust and connection is. First conversation, 20%. First date, 30%. Second, third, fourth date, about 40%. And then relationship, it's about 50-50. Okay. So trust, connection, rapport obviously comes after or is mixed into a little bit. We do the busting the chops, the building attraction, the being unavailable, the push-pull, the fucking with her.

8:14 And now you may think, well, what's fucking with her? Well, if you've listened to my podcast for any amount of time, you should know. But if this is your first time listening, here's a good example. Let's say you're talking to a girl and you just get this feeling that she likes to be teased. You could say, hey, do you like to travel? And she says, yes. And then you push her gently away and you say, travel over there. Okay. That is an attraction building technique. That's definitely not trust and connection.

8:38 But it builds a lot of attraction. You know, something I was talking about with one of my clients. I was like, why is it that dicks get laid? And when I say dicks, I mean guys who are kind of dicks, guys who are jerks. And I'm going to do a podcast on this, many podcasts to come about that. But it's interesting that we say he's a dick and then he gets laid. His dick like gets laid a lot, right? It kind of is synonymous. But the reason why dicks get laid is because they have a strong frame.

9:05 They know who they are. They're decisive. They know how to tease girls. They know how to bring this woman into an emotional state of slight frustration with him. But a lot of these guys get laid initially and they can't hold on to a girl. They can't hold on to them. And I get clients like this. They're like, dude, I do great in the beginning. I can get laid. But then they leave me. And the reason they leave them is because they're not doing enough trust and connection.

9:29 So you remember now, right? 20% in the beginning. Then we kick it up to 30, 40 and about 50, 50 is the final mix. That's like what I have with my girlfriend. In fact, I just went up into her office. She's working. And I opened the door and I was like, listen, I'm going to be recording a podcast. So I need you to stay up here. Don't go into the kitchen because if you make your Bigfoot kitchen noises above my office, I'm going to come up there and smack you in the ass, little girl.

9:52 She's like, ooh, really? And I'm like, yeah, keep it down. And then I close the door. Now, that's kind of like the flirting, the bantering, the fucking around. She knows I'm joking. And she likes that kind of shit. And then at the end of the day, I may go up to her and be like, hey, so how was your day? Okay, so to build trust and connection, it's just like you guys know how to do. You guys are pretty much experts at this already. So don't overthink it.

10:13 What is it? It's building commonalities. It's asking her questions like, how was your day? And listening to her without trying to solve her problems. And I want you to really listen to what I just said. When you're listening to a woman, which deserves its own podcast episode, but I'm just going to say this for now. When you're listening to a woman, you need to listen to her without having to solve her problems. So tonight when I go, hey, Marissa, how was your day? She's going to be like, yeah, it was good.

10:38 But this one coworker, dah, dah, dah. I'm just going to listen. I'm just going to listen. I'm not going to try to solve her problems. Never do that. Chicks fucking hate that. So we listen to them. We ask them questions. Here's a couple of questions you should ask to build trust and connection. How was your day? What do you love about being XYZ? Okay, she's a veterinarian. What do you love about being a veterinarian? If you had $90 million, what would you do with your life? If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be?

11:06 What was the best day of your life? What was the worst day of your life? If you could travel anywhere right now, where would it be and why? What do you love doing among anything else? Okay, so we're getting her into her emotions. We're actually interested in learning about her. And listen, this comes easily in conversations. Like I've told you guys, it's like you don't need to sit around studying this or practicing it too much because most of you dudes do this naturally. Now, some of you guys who I'm guessing are extremely good at getting laid, extremely good at yanking girls out of nightclubs, extremely good at getting the phone numbers, but can't keep a chick.

11:41 Maybe you're the dudes who need to listen to this and the dudes who need to focus on this and add it into your part of the game. Remember, in the beginning, you need at least 20%. And it can be as simple as this, guys. Like when I introduce myself to a woman, I'm like, hey, what's up? What's her name? Kelly, what's up, Kelly? I'm Mark. And when I shake her hand, I'm very genuine. I don't fuck with her. I'm just genuine. I look her in the eyes.

12:02 I shake her hand nice. And I'm like, hey, nice to meet you. Okay, or I'm talking to a girl and I can tell she's cold. I'll be like, hey, why don't we move over here next to the heater so that you're a little bit warmer? See, it's these little touches that shows her that you're not just a fuckboy. And I had many girls accuse me of being a fuckboy when I first got into this stuff because I got really good at the game, really good at bantering and flirting and push-pull and all that shit.

12:26 But I wasn't like genuine. They've told me I felt disingenuous to them. Now, this brings me into another point. The reason I thought about recording this podcast is for a couple of reasons. But one of them is I had a coaching call recently and I had one of my favorite clients leaving. He finished his three-month coaching program, absolutely crushed it. I mean, this guy absolutely did phenomenal. And, you know, for some reason, I started talking about something that was happening in my life where Marissa and I, we had a kid.

12:53 Her name is Lucia. She's two years old through IVF. And we wanted another kid. I wanted a boy. I mean, come on. I host the Unapologetic Man podcast. I help boys like you step into their masculinity. That's like what I'm all about. And, you know, like you, I have a dream of having a son where I can throw the baseball with him. I'm going to take him hunting with me. I'm going to teach him how to surf and scuba dive and all these things. So we tried IVF three different times after we had our first baby.

13:19 The reason why we had to do IVF, it was just an issue with our age because I'm 44. Marissa's in her 40s now too. So we are a geriatric pregnancy is what they call it. It's like, damn, dude, way to make us feel horrible. So we tried it and, you know, there was always problems with the embryos. So we failed. We failed. And I was talking about it on the Zoom call with my guys. We had the group coaching call and I kind of choked up a little bit and I kind of got some tears in my eyes and, you know, I kind of overcame it and just was honest with them about it.

13:50 And I'm being honest with you guys right now that it was really, really hard because I really, really wanted the sun. I really wanted the sun. But you know what? We didn't get it. We got a beautiful girl. She's an absolute angel. And I'll teach her all that shit that I was going to teach my boy. I'll still teach her how to hunt. I'll still take her on the ATV. I'm still going to teach her how to fish and go into the woods and how to start a fire and wilderness survival.

14:11 I'm going to do Brazilian jiu-jitsu with her. Like you realize that there's very little difference between a boy and a girl because it's a human being and you need to teach them pretty much all the same shit. So I know a lot of you guys are like, man, if I had a girl that would suck, I really want a boy. And I was there with you. But having a girl is absolutely satisfying. I wouldn't trade it for the world. And yeah, I wanted a boy on top of that and it didn't work out.

14:33 So I got a little emotional, but I held my shit together. I held my water. And then we wrapped up the coaching call. Dude, I got like six different emails being like, man, that just makes me love you so much more, Mark. I respect you so much because you were honest with us. I don't have this like facade about me where I try to pretend I'm something I'm not. And I think that's part of the reason this podcast is so successful is because I'm fucking genuine with you guys.

14:57 Like, I really want to help you. I've been in the fucking trenches. I've been kicked down when I was in the gutter, you know, in blood and tears and just rejected by women and panic attacks and anxiety and agoraphobia and suicidal tendencies. Like, I've been there, bro. And I share that shit with you guys. And now I'm sharing with you the IVF story and how decimated I was because I don't get to have a son. Well, you know, what I realized, and I've known this, but what I realized is that you having the ability to be genuine and to let a woman know about your failures, your fears, your struggles that you've had in the past is extremely unbelievably attractive and people respect you for it if you do it in the right way.

15:38 Okay, so going back to what I was talking about, right? In the first conversation, I'm not going to talk about like my panic attacks. I might a little bit actually, but I'm not going to talk about like seriously deep stuff until a couple dates down the road, but I do talk about it. Now, here's the big point of this episode. You can show a woman that you're vulnerable. You can show a woman that you're afraid. You can show a woman that, like me, you used to have panic attacks regularly.

16:05 You had agoraphobia. You couldn't even go outside. But here's the thing. You have to show her that it didn't defeat you. It didn't keep you down. You persevered past it. That, being able to persevere past something, is super ridiculously attractive to a woman, especially when you have the balls to admit it. So I admit to you guys, dude, I'm not perfect, right? I came from the lowest of the low. Like I work with hard cases. I was a way harder case than like any guy that's ever hired me.

16:33 I mean, I couldn't look at a girl, let alone go talk to one. I had massive panic attacks. I was this close to committing suicide. I held a shotgun in my mouth. There's all these stories that I have that I'm honest with you about. And because of that, you guys, some of you guys like respect me and you guys appreciate me and some of you even love me. And you know what? I love you too, bro. Like I love you too because I know you have those issues too.

16:55 Let's not hide them from women. But here's the thing. Once again, I need you to get this through your skull. Don't do as I did when I was in college and I kissed my first girl when I was 20 years old and I cried in her lap because my dad died when I was 10 and I hadn't like dealt with it. I cried in her lap. I was like, oh, my dad died. And yeah, my dad dying sucks. But I've since resolved it. And when I talk about it, I'm like, you know what?

17:20 It really was, it really hurt. You know, I was 10 years old and my complete world was turned upside down. Suddenly my dad's dead. Two years later, my mom marries a beta cuck who I resent to this day. And it was difficult. But you know what? I think of my dad as looking down on me and he's fucking proud of me every single day. And part of the reason I want to become a dad to a son is because like my relationship with my dad and also part of the reason I persevere the way I do and I want to become the best man I can be is for him, for his honor.

17:49 So he looks down on me and is like, fuck yeah, dude, Mark. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. So that's the difference. The difference is between me. It's so embarrassing. But again, I'm being vulnerable. I'm admitting shit to you guys. Me crying in a girl's lap. Oh my hell, bro. Mark of the past. I love you, brother. But shit, that was bad, bro. That was really bad. The difference is me crying in that girl's lap to today when I'm like, yeah, my dad died and it was really difficult for me.

18:16 I had some big issues to overcome because of that. But you know what? I'm the man I am today because he died. And because of that, now his death has a purpose, at least for me. And it has a purpose for my brother too. My dad was really into wilderness stuff as my brother and I are. And my brother was so motivated by my dad's death that he walked from Mexico to Canada twice on the Pacific Crest Trail and then the Continental Divide Trail simply because my dad once said in an off statement, I would really love to do the PCT one day, the Pacific Crest Trail.

18:49 So my brother being so inspired by that went and did it and did it in his honor. So that is a story of vulnerability turning into perseverance. Vulnerability turning into becoming the best man you can be. So when you're with a woman, bro, I want you to tell her about your vulnerabilities. And I want you to try to get her to talk about hers because this builds the trust and connection that is so important. But again, it has to be, you are leveraging it and trying to become better because of it.

19:20 I'll even tell my clients, dude, tell girls you're in coaching. Tell girls you're trying to get better. Now, I never suggest that a guy says he's in seduction coaching specifically unless he can eloquently explain exactly what it is, which is bettering yourself as a man. But instead, I like my clients to say, I'm in life coaching because so many women have negative connotations about seduction, about picking up girls and so many guys do too. So when I tell women I'm a coach, I say I'm an NLP coach.

19:50 And then as I get to know her, I say, you know what? I'm actually a dating coach. Because if I tell her I'm a dating coach on the first date, she's going to be freaking having me under a microscope saying, oh, is that one of your techniques? How about that one? Is that one? So like I learned the hard way not to do that. I'm like, yo, I'm an NLP coach. And why am I an NLP coach? Because I had agoraphobia. I had panic attacks. And my fucking NLP coach saved me.

20:11 Literally two sessions with him. My anxiety was almost gone. And it came from a trauma after my dad died coincidentally. It came from fucked up belief systems that my mom and my dad gave me when I was a kid and who my stepdad gave me when he came in when I was 12. So I'll tell her that story and how I persevered past it. So going back to you, you have some shit that's happened to you. You wouldn't be listening to this unless you did, right? You're probably struggling with women, struggling with confidence, struggling with self-esteem.

20:38 And while I don't necessarily suggest that you tell women you're struggling with confidence, what I do suggest is you tell them about things that you've overcome and that you're continuing to work on yourself now. So an unconfident guy is unattractive to women. So if you have major problems with confidence, I would just say, and I would frame it in a way where it's like, you know what? I've had some issues and I'm really working on it. I'm doing coaching. You know, I'm listening to podcasts all the time.

21:06 Self-development and ambition and enthusiasm is extremely important to me because I want to become the best version of myself I can be. And here's something I say to women all the time too. I say, you know, I don't want to get on my deathbed and look back with regrets. And this is why I got this part of my life settled. This is to you. I'm saying it to you guys, not to her. But this is why I got this part of my life with women settled is because I didn't want to be on my deathbed looking at my fat, angry, negative, bitchy ass wife who I never loved to begin with, but I took her because she chose me and I couldn't get anything better.

21:42 That thought was a nightmare to me. And I said to myself, no, no, no, I'm not going to be that dude. I'm going to learn this shit or die trying. And when I do, I'm going to choose from abundance. I'm going to choose rather than being chosen. So while we don't necessarily want to talk about seduction per se to women, we definitely want to talk about self-development, perseverance, ambition, wanting to become the best man I can be so that when I look back on my life, I'm proud of who I was.

22:11 I'm proud of what I became and I have no regrets. I pat myself on the shoulder, I draw that last breath and I die like a warrior dies with pride in his heart. Another note I want to make on this is that as you guys kind of feel about me and maybe some of you don't feel this way, but because I'm willing to be genuine with you, because I'm willing to share with you my travails and my disappointments and my failures, that shows that I have courage and that shows that I'm actually strong.

22:39 So when we look at body language, okay, we always say that body language is really one of the big things that makes women attracted to you and what is attractive body language? In essence, it's vulnerable body language, right? It's open, it's exposed, it's not guarded, it can be attacked at any moment, but because you're confident and because you believe in yourself, you're willing to expose yourself to the world and when I say expose yourself, you know, I'm not saying expose your penis or whatever, I'm saying open up your arms, keep your neck held high, walk with like, yeah, your penis almost like pushed out there into the world.

23:17 When you do that, what does it show? It shows that you have the confidence to deal with the situation if it should pop off and that, by the way, is why I suggest all you guys learn how to fight. I'm not going to get into it, I know I talk about it a lot but I believe in it. So when you learn how to fight, you can walk around confidently and that's vulnerability, isn't it? Closed off body language on the other hand is protective, it's afraid, it's based in fear and that's why it's unattractive.

23:44 Your arms are closed up, maybe they're crossed in front of you, you got your legs crossed, you're taking up as little space as possible because you don't want to offend the alpha male and that's the opposite of vulnerability. So when we're vulnerable, when we're genuine with a woman and we are unapologetic about who we are, what we believe and what we've been through, that is extremely attractive. Now once again, I want to wrap up this podcast episode with the first point which is attraction has to come first.

24:14 You have to mess with her, banter, tell stories but you're mixing it in a little bit, this like genuineness. Here, move over here so you can be warmer. Hey, do you want my jacket? Open the door for her. Maybe pay for the bill if you guys are getting some dinner together on a first date. Actually, do pay for the bill. I always suggest that. It's these gestures of chivalry, these gestures of being genuine, these gestures of building rapport and when she talks about her life, just listen, don't try to solve.

24:43 I talk about it in the TNC rule. If you want to search that podcast, you can listen to that. I get more deep into it but when you build this kind of connection based on that vulnerability which again is presented in the correct way which is I'm going to persevere past this or I have persevered past this, this builds massive attraction, builds massive trust, massive rapport and then she's more likely to have sex with you and you know, it's not even about sex really. It's just she's more likely to be into you, to want to date you more, to want to be your girlfriend and this again is why so many guys lose women and not only guys who are dating women but also guys with wives who lose their wives because they simply don't know how to communicate with her, don't know how to listen to her.

25:27 They never expose these thoughts inside themselves, these vulnerable aspects of themselves because look, for a lot of dudes it's not natural. It's like a feminine thing but listen, as men, as really powerful men, as silverbacks, we have to be able to access our feminine. In fact, when I talk about silverback gorillas, who's the most caring, nurturing, protective gorilla in the entire tribe? That's right. It's the alpha silverback. He's the one who comes over and nurtures the kid who bumped his elbow when he was climbing a tree.

25:58 He's the one who is the resolution manager of the entire gorilla tribe who puts out fires rather than starts them and that's what a true man does. He provides, he protects and he presides and part of doing that is exposing his own vulnerability and having the strength within himself, the confidence within himself, the knowledge that he can overcome it. That's the big point. All right, gentlemen, I hope this has helped. I really do appreciate you listening. If you found value in this podcast, please leave me a review, preferably a five-star review with some writing behind it.

26:31 You can email me at coachmarksingh at gmail.com and I'll send you a bunch of cool shit. And if you want to get on a free one-on-one breakthrough session with me where, bro, you can be completely vulnerable, you can completely tell me about any of your problems, I've heard it all before and I respect and appreciate you that you have the balls to do it, I want to meet you, brother. So sign up at coachmarksingh.com, click on coaching, fill in the goddamn slap in the biscuit.

26:55 I'll send you my schedule and you and I will get on that one-on-one free breakthrough session together where we talk about whether or not you're a good fit for my three-month coaching program and if I'm a good fit for you as a coach. And listen, if we're not a good fit, no hard feelings. I don't try to hard close guys on my program, it's only when it's a perfect fit. I'm not money thirsty, I'm success thirsty. I want to meet dudes who I can get success with and if you think, oh no, dude, I'm way too hard of a case, I got all these issues, I got this, that, and the third, you'd be amazed at what we can do and you'd be amazed at how I have helped guys who are probably in a harder situation than you are and I dare say I was probably in a worse situation than you are now, maybe not, but probably and I overcame it so you can too.

27:39 Trust me, if I could do it, you can too, brother. Absolutely. All right, guys, I drop podcasts on Mondays and Thursdays so make sure to stay tuned for the next one and I will see you in the next episode. So, I'll see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.