THIS is Why Most Guys SUCK With Girls - The Missed Concept of "With-It-Ness"

0:00 Welcome to The Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, gentlemen? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. I really do appreciate it. Today is Thursday, and I hope you've had a great week. Going into the weekend, I want to ask you, brother, how's your with-it-ness? With-it-ness. First of all, you may ask, well, what is with-it-ness? It's basically your social intelligence, your ability to read people, your ability to be with it.

0:40 Do you see when people don't want to talk to you? Can you pick up on those subtle social cues? Can you tell when a girl's uncomfortable by you, when you're overstaying your welcome, when you're basically pissing in people's rivers because you can't take social cues? Now, let me tell you, as a seduction coach, this is the absolute hardest thing to teach, man. With-it-ness, just basic social intelligence, it's the hardest thing to teach. And with some people, it's almost like when they were eight years old, that neuron bridge didn't build in their brain, and they just don't get it.

1:13 Have you guys ever been talking to somebody, and you're like, all right, bro, well, I got to peace out of here, man. It was good to talk to you. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, bro, and he keeps talking to you, and you're trying to inch away. You're trying to turn your body language. You're trying to scoot back or even walk backwards. And the dude's walking towards you as the fucking guy keeps talking. This is a general lack of with-it-ness. And I'll tell you, guys who lack this very basic social intelligence are extremely, unbelievably unattractive to women.

1:42 And I almost never hear other dating coaches talk about this, so I'm going to talk about it today. I'm going to give you guys some hints on how to look for this and how to give yourself a realistic self-assessment as to your with-it-ness, whether or not you make people uncomfortable, whether or not you inadvertently do things like nerd mannerisms, talk in a tonality that is fundamentally unattractive. We're going to go over all that today. And I want to let you know, this is going to require you taking a good, long, hard look in the mirror.

2:12 So if you don't like to do self-assessment, if you don't like to be realistic with yourself, then click away, brother, because I may bring up some hard realities that are going to be difficult to face. Before I jump into the content, I want to take a minute to congratulate one of my clients in my three-month coaching program who just lost his virginity. Joey, this one's for you, brother. Joey G, you are an absolute champion. My brother, just five weeks into the program, having never even kissed a girl, you lost your virginity, ginnity, ginnity.

2:45 And you, brother, are an absolute champion that songs will be written about, that will be sung around campfires for generations to come. Joey, I salute you, man. Seriously, brother, congratulations. I'm super proud of you. A lot of my clients are getting these kinds of successes, and not all my clients are virgins. In fact, I get a lot of guys who are pretty damn skillful with women still coming into the program. And then those guys absolutely crush it, man. A couple of guys I'm thinking of off the top of my head, Nick, Trey, Kelvin, Craig, Justin, and all the rest of you boys, I'm super proud of you guys.

3:20 They come into the program and they fucking kill it. I'm talking nines and tens. These guys really commit to it. And just for some of them, the ability to roll up on a girl, get her attracted to him by his own will, yank her phone number, take her on a date later, and then have sex with her if he chooses to. This is a power that most of my guys want. And when they first accomplish it, especially like on a direct approach where they straight tell her, hey, I thought you were cute, had to come meet you and see what your name was.

3:46 What's up? I'm Mark. Nice to meet you. When they do that and then yank her number, take her on a date and have sex with her, they just are over the moon excited, man, because a lot of these guys have never been able to do that. They always met girls because girls would choose them or like through social circle. And as Mike S. always says, a lot of those girls are land slugs. Mike S. Hilarious, I appreciate you giving me that one, but a lot of times they aren't girls who meet their standards.

4:09 So like for Trey and Nick specifically, they're like, dude, I saw the hottest chick and I just rolled up on her with the direct approach, talk to her exactly how you taught us. And boom, I yanked her phone number. I'm going on a date with her on Friday. I'm so pumped, Mark. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And I get those all the time. So no matter what your skillset is, I can definitely help you. If you'd like to get on a free one-on-one breakthrough session with me, go to my website, click on coaching, fill in the quick application, and you and I will get on that call together.

4:37 All right, gentlemen, with fitness. So as I talked about in the beginning of this episode, sometimes you talk to people, man, they just don't get the hint. So my first and most important tip for you is you have to ask yourself, how am I making this person feel? How is this person's experience playing out due to the conversation that I'm bringing them? A lot of guys are completely clueless and don't really care about how they're affecting other people because they're just in it for themselves. Now, guys who are really good with people and really good with women are extremely cognizant of her experience.

5:13 In fact, they almost care more about how she's feeling than they're feeling. Actually, I'd say it's more like 50-50. I know when I go in, it's really important that I'm having a good time because if I'm not, I'm just going to blow her out and go talk to somebody else. But I'm super-duper cognizant and aware of how the conversation is affecting her. If I bring up something and say, for example, she kind of closes up her body language, she turns a little bit away from me, or what's more likely, we're in a nightclub setting and she kind of starts looking over my shoulder.

5:44 She kind of starts losing attention. I'm going to change subjects because I have with-it-ness. I understand that what I'm bringing to the table isn't doing it for her. But so many people, and I see this all the time, will talk to you. And even though it's clear in your face, like you're kind of starting to fall asleep, your attention is starting to go away, they like don't see it. So for my clients, I tell them all the time, look at videos of yourself and see if you're boring people.

6:11 And we have these group coaching groups that I do in my three-month coaching program where it's about eight other guys and we're in a group together and each guy has to talk, right? Each guy talks about his biggest win that week, his biggest aha moment. And then I coach off of basically all their questions and I relate it to all the guys. Well, if a guy starts talking and the rest of us kind of start getting tired, we kind of start looking away, we take drinks of water, basically the general energy of the group starts to go down.

6:39 That means that he's not holding our attention. And when it comes to women, you have to fucking hold their attention. If you're not super interesting, super engaging, keeping them in the moment, they're going to lose attention. And when you lose their attention, you lose their attraction. So when guys go on and on and on, I'm like, whoa, brother, get to the point. And then sometimes I'll email them or I'll hold them after and we'll do a quick one-on-one and I'll be like, yo, you're not cognizant of how you're affecting the rest of the group.

7:07 And this happens in field too. I'll see dudes talking to women or for God's sake, some of my friends who speak to women, I'll pull them aside and I'll be like, bro, you bored that girl to tears. You were not picking up on the very obvious signs that she was giving you, such as looking over your shoulder, her smile turning into a frown, turning her body language away slightly, back channeling at the wrong times. For example, when you're speaking to somebody, you should back channel at the right times.

7:34 Back channeling is saying things like, uh-huh. Oh, really? That's cool. That's called back channeling. Well, people who back channel at the wrong times in your conversation where they're like, uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. Uh-huh. They're trying to rush you through your point because they're fucking bored. People who are really listening to you, they're going to back channel after you just made a point that they're really intrigued by. So you're looking for all these signs when you're speaking to a woman and even your boss, even your employees, even your coworkers, you have to be very cognizant of this because people who lack that general social intelligence are extremely unattractive and they have difficulty making friends.

8:12 And I'll tell you, this is the hardest thing to teach and this is why I think a lot of dating coaches don't talk about it because it's really difficult to explain. It's difficult to show somebody how to look for these things. But what I want to tell you boys is this. Just think to yourself, every like 30 seconds, how am I affecting this person? Is this person bored with the topic? Are they threatened by me in some kind of way? Do they want to go talk to somebody else?

8:37 Are they just waiting for me to shut up so it's their turn to speak and they can finally pipe up? When you read these things and you're a little bit like a detective, you're able to control the conversation and steer it into ways that will not only make women more attracted to you, but make people like you more. One of the reasons I thought of doing this episode is because today is Sunday. I went out last night and I was talking to this guy who was kind of dating one of my girlfriends.

9:03 Her name is Alicia. So I was talking to him. We were bullshitting and I was like, so what do you do, man? And he's like, I'm a fly fishing guide. Okay. So I live in Colorado. One of the main reasons I moved here was to come over here for fly fishing. The fly fishing here is absolutely excellent. So I moved out here to do that and I was like, no shit, man. I love hiring guides because I always catch way more fish. They kind of show me the secret pockets, yada, yada.

9:25 So he's kind of pumped up and he's going on and on about how he does floating guides. Like he has a raft and he basically floats people down the river and you fly fish off the fucking boat. Well, this is something I've always really wanted to do. So I was like, no way, man. I've been looking for somebody who does that. I would love to hire you. That girl over there, the hot one. That's my girl, Marissa. She's also super into it. Could we hire you to do that?

9:49 So immediately, man, I noticed he kind of closed down. He's like, yeah, you know, we'll have to talk about it. Like it's not really the season right now, but you know, we can, we can maybe do that. And immediately, boys, I picked up on his body language. I picked up on his tone. I picked up on either A, he doesn't want to do it for whatever reason, or B, he's fucking lying to me. Now, through my years of social training, the guy's fucking lying. Okay. I just, I could tell, bro, just by the way he turned his body language.

10:18 He didn't want to talk about it anymore. So in some way he's lying. I don't know why, like, why would you lie about that? But he's clearly lying. So what did I do? I just dropped it. I didn't push it. Although in some instances I may have, I would have been like, okay, this fucker's lying. You want to lie to me, bro? I'm going to call you out on it. Seriously, man, let's do it right now. Let me Venmo you the money. Show me some pictures.

10:38 Let's get the dates locked down. But I was like, whatever. It's Alicia's friend. And Alicia, if you're listening, sorry, dude, that guy you're kind of dating lied to me. I'm 99% sure. So anyway, the reason I was able to detect this was because his body language shut down. He started turning away. He wanted to change topics. And then in my mind, with my with it-ness, I asked myself, why does he want to change topics? Why doesn't he want to talk about this? Well, either A, he doesn't want me as a client, which I'm sure isn't true because I was super cool to the guy.

11:08 I got all these hot chicks around me. He knows I'm an interesting dude. He knows I'm successful. So like, there's no reason. Plus, Marissa would come too. She's super hot. So like, I know this dude would want us on his boat or he's lying. And I was like, okay, why is he lying? Because he wants to build himself up in my eyes because he probably thinks I'm high value. So after detecting that, I quickly decided, give the dude the benefit of the doubt. Don't call him out on it.

11:33 He probably has his reasons. Let's just blow past it and talk about something else. So instead, I kind of shifted the conversation into some of our best fly fishing experiences. My best fly fishing experience was in Basalt, Colorado. Marissa was actually with me. And I saw this gigantic trout about 20 yards away. He was rising about every 30 seconds and eating these flies off the top of the water. It was a pale morning dun hatch. So all these bugs hatch in one day and then the fish are feeding.

12:02 So I see this monster out there and I had a pale morning dun tied onto my line and I timed it, bro. Like I put that fly right in front of him at the perfect time. Sure enough, he raises up and both Marissa and I saw him just hit my fly. I set the hook. I brought him all the way in. I got him into my net and it was like the best experience ever. And I explained that to this guy. And through my with itness, I was able to see that this dude's really into fly fishing.

12:28 A little bit of a liar, but really into fly fishing. He really likes talking about this shit. So I told my story. Then he told his story. He had open body language. He's smiling. He's leaning in. And so did I. I was really into it too. That's a good conversation. Whereas some guys will go in to set and be like, where are you from? Where do you work? Do you come here often? And the girl's just kind of giving you one word answer. She's not into it.

12:54 And it's your job to A, change the conversation or B, as I teach in this podcast, make that shit more interesting. You have to entertain them. You have to be engaging for women to be into you. Okay. A few other areas of with itness that I want you guys to think about is do you have nerd mannerisms? Okay. So this is something that I'll call out to my clients too. If they get into the coaching program and they have just some like nerdiness about them or some unattractive quality about them, I'll straight tell them because I'm not doing my clients a service if in fear of hurting their feelings, I don't tell them straight up what I think I'll tell them straight up.

13:33 If they have a beard that looks like a bunch of pubes glued onto their face, I'll be like, bro, you got to shave your beard, man. You look like you're in the Taliban. You look like you're driving your 1976 Volkswagen Taliban around trying to pick up chicks and get them in the back of it. And it's creepy. Shave that shit off. If they have some nerdy haircut, I'll straight tell them. If they wear glasses that don't look good, I'll straight tell them. And this is the self-check that a lot of you guys have to do.

13:57 Look in the mirror and or watch a video of yourself and say, yo, am I kind of acting like a nerd here? Am I kind of behaving in a way that is unattractive? Do I have submissive body language? Am I rocking a style straight out of the 1900s, freaking stonewashed jeans with a shirt tucked into it with a brown belt and goddamn tennis shoes? Are my jeans so dirty that they would stand up by themselves? These are the realistic, harshly honest assessments that you guys have to do to yourselves.

14:27 Also your voice. And this is one of the most important things. Does your voice go up at the end when you're talking to women, seeking rapport, trying to get into friendship with them? Or do you have authority in your voice and your voice goes down at the end when you speak to women? I talk about this in my tonality episode. You can just search Mark Singh and the word tonality to get a very deep dive breakdown into how tonality works. But a lot of times when I ask my guys on the coaching calls, I'm like, yo, how did you ask that girl for a number?

14:57 He's like, hey, can I call you sometime? I'm like, bro, why do guys suddenly turn into little bitches when they're asking for a phone number? It's because they don't feel like they're enough. They feel like they have to supplicate to her. They feel like she's the boss. What does that communicate? Exactly that. She's the boss. She's in the masculine energy. You don't have enough with itness to know that you need to be in the masculine energy because you're the man. And you talk to her, as I always say, like she's a 13 year old girl on your soccer team.

15:25 Your voice goes down at the end. Hey, why don't you toss me your number? We'll catch up some other time. OK, so when your voice goes down at the end, it communicates authority and you have to have the with itness to not only observe her reaction to you, but also observe how you're being perceived by people by watching videos of yourself looking in the mirror and saying, yo, that freaking unibrow that I'm rocking looks like a goddamn caterpillar. I've got the eyebrows that just won't quit.

15:52 Why don't I shave that shit? My teeth are a little fucked up. I got bad breath. I got freaking an Afro coming out of my nostril. Why don't I go ahead and shave that? There's this guy. I'm not going to say his name. I hang out with them sometimes in some different hobby that I have. This guy has the worst breath I've ever smelled in my life. And I lived in Japan where there's a lot of damn bad breath happening on a day to day basis.

16:15 I used to sit next to this vice principal when I used to teach English in middle schools and he'd be grading his homework for the day. And he said this thing, soka, which means, oh, is that right? But he would do it like this. He'd be like, so like that. And this fucking wave of halitosis will come over my desk and I would be paralyzed with pure pain and the desire to die. So the second I'd hear him go, soka, I would be out of my chair, running to the bathroom, get the hell out of that cloud of death.

16:47 Well, there's this guy that I hang out with sometimes. He must have at least 10 cavities in his mouth, two decay, halitosis. Just talking to this guy is like hell on earth and he doesn't realize it. Bro, check your breath. Are you going to the dentist twice a year? Are you rocking a clean battleship as far as your diet is concerned? If you're not, take a good, long, hard look in the mirror, have some with itness and say, yo, I'm probably rocking some bad breath. No girl is going to want to be with a dude with bad breath.

17:18 And anytime I talk to a girl and she's got bad breath, I'm out like sauerkraut. I'm off like a prom dress. Don't let the door hit you where the Lord split you. I'm gone because bad breath is disgusting. My final point on this is some of you guys talk like you're a little bit gay. Now there's no problem with being gay, but there is a problem when you're sounding gay, when you're talking to a woman, because she's going to think you're gay. And that intentional sexual conversation now becomes her wanting to friend zone you because she thinks you're going to be a gay friend.

17:48 And this is happening more and more and more in society because of the pussification of the American, Canadian, English, Australian, and New Zealand male. We are becoming goddamn pussies and it's communicated in guys' voices. Okay, so listen to yourself on a recording. Do I sound like a goddamn pussy? And believe me, boys, I suffer from this myself sometimes. I listen to all my podcasts and I'm like, yo, stop saying like so much. Stop saying um all the time. Stop doing this. Stop doing that. Because I'm willing to self-examine myself with with-it-ness and admit my faults and try to work on them.

18:24 And believe me, 10 years ago, I had a little bit of a gay pronunciation going on. It's like you get some guys and you talk to them. They're like, oh my God, I can't believe that bartender's like, he's not really into serving me. I'm like, bro, because you sound like a fucking pussy. Now, I'm not hating on gay men. I have a lot of gay friends. Love those guys. They're hilarious. But if you want to attract women, you can't be speaking like that, bro. I mean, occasionally it'll work for guys because they can get in with her as a friend and then somehow fuck them.

18:52 I've seen that happen several times. But generally speaking, if you have this kind of like gay, nerdy pronunciation to you, fix that shit. Can you fix that shit? Yes. Self-work and or get some coaching could even be derivative of your belief systems about certain things that cause you to have these nerd mannerisms, to cause you to speak like you have a vagina in your pants. And that's one of the things I do is I make guys feel like a 10. I get rid of all the traumas, bad belief systems, and negative metaprogramming so they can get back to their inherent self-esteem.

19:27 And all that shit just disappears, man. It really does. And that's why I get the reviews that I do, many of which I read on this podcast. So that's with it. And it's, boys, the most important point here, just pay attention to how you're affecting somebody. And don't be that guy who, when you're speaking to somebody and they're trying to excuse themselves, you just keep going and going and going. And there's somebody listening right now who does that. And he still doesn't hear what I'm saying.

19:54 You, bro. Hey, listen. Let me your ear. Stop talking when somebody's trying to leave. When they say, hey, bro, I got to go. Or they do like a sum up to the conversation, which I often do. It's like a closing statement. Like, hey, man, that fishing trip was gnarly, dude. Sounds like you learned a lot. I'm glad that happened for you. That's a closing statement. When somebody does a closing statement, they are over the conversation and they want you to move on. Women want a guy with within-ness.

20:22 And this is the hardest thing to teach. But I hope that by me saying this, it makes you somewhat self-aware and you're able to look in the mirror, look in a video, listen to yourself on a recording, and admit to yourself, man, I talk too much. I sound like a goddamn wuss. I have a lot of nerd mannerisms. The way I dress, the way I look isn't exactly attractive. So I'm going to go ahead and fix that. You can fix yourself today. And make no mistake, boys, don't get it twisted.

20:51 I was the most lost, socially inept dingbat that ever walked this earth. So if I can do it, you can do it too. Gentlemen, I have another awesome podcast dropping on Monday. Seriously, this is going to be a really good one. So please stay tuned for that. Over the weekend, just ask yourself, how am I affecting this person? Are they enjoying this conversation? And if they're not, simply change topics and or excuse yourself because they obviously don't want to talk to you. Final point on this.

21:17 A lot of you guys have been leaving me spectacular reviews. Talk about within-ness. Some of the things that you guys are writing, I really do appreciate. These are the guys. And I'm not trying to use, as I'm saying this, I'm like, man, this really sounds like I'm trying to use some reverse psychology here. I'm not. But these are the guys I could tell by how they write things that have within-ness. They really understand what's being taught. They understand the level that I'm trying to bring them to and they appreciate it.

21:43 They leave me five stars and they leave a review. When they email me, I email them back with three programs, a smack on the ass, a couple videos, and songs will be written about them that will be sung around campfires for generations to come. So if you want to leave me a review, I'd very much appreciate that. Reviews is how this podcast grows and you would be helping me tremendously by doing that. And again, I will send you a bunch of programs because I have within-ness, man.

22:08 I know that's what you want. And I want the review. So it's the norm of reciprocity. You scratch my back, I'm going to scratch yours. That's how things work. That's what we do when we have within-ness. Thank you again for listening, gentlemen. I really do appreciate it. And I will see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.