WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN

0:00 Hey mom. Yes, Mark. Say The Unapologetic Man Podcast in Dutch. The Onbeschaamde Man Podcast. Welcome to The Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What's up guys? Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of The UNP and today we are going to talk about what it means to be a man. Now these are about 15 things that I've come up with that are just my opinion so everybody relax if you don't agree with it but I'm hoping you get a couple gems here to take away from this to apply to your own life because being a man in my opinion is something that's earned.

0:48 We are born as boys but unless we do self-development, unless we try to live virtuously, unless we try to work on ourselves, we're just a guy and there's so many guys out there and so few men. You listening to this podcast, I have a feeling that you too can call yourself a man. So let's go through these next 15 things and see how we all stack up and see whether or not we can call ourselves a man. As mentioned, the following 15 things aren't some guiding principle set in stone.

1:20 This is just what I've personally found to be beneficial in my mission to becoming a man and if anything, this is more of a letter to myself. Have I completely mastered all these things? No, of course not. It's a work in progress. I'm trying every day to live up to the standards that I'm going to lay out here and if they resonate with you, maybe you can too because I feel that these things do dictate whether or not we're being successful in life, they definitely dictate whether or not women are going to get attracted to us.

1:52 So let's go for it. All right. So first and foremost, a man is into self-development. Becoming a man is exactly that. In my opinion, it's a process of becoming. You're not born a man. You're born a boy and being a man is something you develop into. It's something you earn. And if you don't work on yourself, in my opinion, you're just a guy. Okay, you guys are listening to this podcast, as I've talked about in previous podcasts, guys who listen to podcasts are oftentimes more intelligent.

2:20 They're oftentimes more thoughtful. And most of the time, I think it was like 75% are into self-development. So right there, boom, you got that one covered into self-development. Number two is growth mindset. Growth is his number one goal. And because of that, he actually wants to fail. He wants to play with people better than him. And he doesn't need to prove his ego. He just wants to grow. So he puts himself in situations where he is not as good as everybody else. He's going to fail. He's going to have struggles.

2:52 And he actually sees struggle as a way to make himself grow. And because growth is his number one priority, he wants to fail. He wants to fail quickly. This, in my opinion, is what determines whether or not people quit jiu-jitsu. 90% of people quit jiu-jitsu because no matter what, you're going to get tapped out. And it's really, really deflating to the ego. I mean, talk about an experience where you're just like, I'm nothing. I thought I could fight well, but apparently I'm nothing. So when you go into jiu-jitsu, it's extremely humbling.

3:24 And those who stick with it say, man, this is a great way to grow. I can work with all these people who are better than me and I can get better and I can do to others what that guy just did to me. So I want to stick with it. But you see like 90% of people quit. There's various reasons why they do. I'm not saying all 90% of people don't have a growth mindset. But 90% of people quit and that should tell you something. Most people don't have a growth mindset because they want to prove their ego.

3:50 You ask somebody, hey, would you rather play on a soccer team where you're the star player? Or would you rather play on a soccer team where you're the worst player? 90% of those people are going to say, dude, I want to be the star player. But look at that. You're not getting better. You're just getting your ego stroked. But when you go play with the team where everybody's better than you are, like you go play on the Premier League in England, you're going to get better because you're getting, you're trying to like raise to that level.

4:14 And that's called a growth mindset. Number three is discipline. Okay. And discipline means acting on your higher motives, not your lesser motives. So a perfect example for this is training your body, working out. When you're operating from your lesser motives, you're eating crappy food, you're sitting on the couch, you're living a sedentary lifestyle. But when you're operating on your higher motives, which is to have an in-shape body that's healthy and ready to protect your family, which I'm going to get into in a second, then you work out, you eat right, you put health as a top priority because you know that this is the machine that dictates the outcome of your life.

4:51 You know, the better you feel, the better in shape you are, the more you can work, the better content you can put out. I mean, today, for example, I was super tired, but I was like, fuck it. I need to do this podcast, sack the fuck up and get it done. Would I have been able to do that if I were out of shape and eating ding-dongs and ho-hos all day? Maybe not. So you get a benefit of achieving these other goals when you keep the mechanism clean and operating effectively.

5:17 All right, number five is he is responsible. And responsibility means responding with ability to the situations that surround you. So you take responsibility for everything in your life. You take responsibility for your finances, for your health, how good you are with women, your mental state, how good you sleep. I mean, everything. You are responsible for it. Everything falls back on your shoulders. You believe, I get the life I choose, and I'm going to actively change everything in my life, all the pillars that are in my life.

5:52 And I'm going to be responsible to achieve success in every single one of those pillars. That's what a man does. All right, a man is the protector. And in my opinion, all of us should learn how to fight. Whether or not jiu-jitsu is your jam, hey, that's completely fine. If it's not, I personally believe it's the superior martial art. But let me ask you this, man. And it's so funny because I think we can all relate to this. Do you ever kind of daydream about, like, someone breaking into your house and then you just getting into a fight with them?

6:23 Or for you gun owners out there, someone breaking into your house and then the AR-15, like, lifts up out of your coffee table. And you say, stand aside, sweetie. And you push your girlfriend down. You get that AR. You're just like, boom, boom, boom, like, smoking these guys. The other day, I saw this thing on Facebook. It was so funny. These three guys break into this guy's house. So they just, dude, and you can break a door down easily. You just fucking jam it with your shoulder.

6:50 Break the door down. Run inside. Then five seconds later, you just hear, like, pop, pop, pop, pop. The homeowner just starts unloading on these dudes. You see the first guy come out and just leap over the railing from the second story. And the other two guys run out behind him. Somehow that gun owner fired off, like, six shots and missed. Maybe he purposely missed. But that was so funny. And I got to be honest, like, sometimes I daydream of that. And it's really weird. Masculine energy, I think we want to fight.

7:19 And I mean, there's so much evidence of this when we're kids. When little boys are playing, they play with swords. And we're always imagining, like, being in war and playing G.I. Joe and getting dressed up in camouflage and shooting each other with BB guns. And, I mean, I'm going to be honest with you. I visualize all the time just sitting there daydreaming, like, not even trying to, of, like, somebody breaking into my house. And being the protector, especially of Marissa and my daughter, I'll fucking die for them, bro.

7:48 Like, I'm admitting it to you right now. I will fucking die for them. And I've never felt that way before about anybody until I had a little baby girl. Like, I will die for her. A hundred percent. A hundred times over. I always imagine a guy, like, breaking into my house, right? And him and I go hand to hand. And with my jiu-jitsu skills, I take him to the ground. And I get full mount on him, which means he's on his back and I'm on top of him.

8:12 And I start, like, punching him in the face, like, right? Like, UFC style MMA. But then he rolls over because he wants to avoid the punches and he gives me his back. And I say, oh, you're fucked now. And I get him what's called the seatbelt position. I get my arms around his body. And then I do a body triangle on him, which means my legs are in a certain way that crush his ribs. So I get him in the triangle, the body triangle. And I squeeze that fucker up and a rib pops out.

8:38 And he's like, okay, okay, okay, I'm done. I'm like, done? We haven't even started yet. And then I go for the rear naked choke. I swing my fucking hand underneath his chin. But he grabs my arm. So then I grab his hand with my right hand and I drag it over to the right side of his body. And then with my leg, I swing it over and I pin his right arm behind his body. And then I'm like, now you're fucked. Now you're going to sleep, motherfucker.

9:03 And I get my right arm under his chin and I lock up the rear naked choke. And just to make it cinch extra tight, I take a deep breath. Five, four, three, two, one. Good night. He's out. Then I let him go and I fucking kick him in the ribs. Motherfucker, come in my house. Then I grab the zip ties that, yes, are conveniently located in the coat closet right next to the front door. And I hog tie him up. Then I call the cops. Cops pull up.

9:32 What is it? 15 minutes later. And I'm sitting there with my hands on my hips and my foot on his back. And I say, got him for you, boys. Take him away. That's what a protector does. And that's my daydream, dude. Get into some epic ground grappling fight with a guy who doesn't know jiu-jitsu and just smoke him. And then there's also the visualizations where I have to use my firearms, but that's for a different podcast. A little bit graphic, that one. But, dude, I believe we're warriors in our hearts.

10:01 And when you step into being a man, which is your natural state, you get into that feeling of wanting to be a warrior, wanting to protect your family. I mean, every one of us who has had a girlfriend, we just, like, look at our hands and we're like, man, these hands are here to protect you. I want to protect you. And honestly, like, if you haven't felt that, then maybe you should train to fight. And I'm going to do a whole podcast on jiu-jitsu and why we should learn to fight.

10:28 But I believe being the protector, super important. Next up is self-sacrificing for the good of the tribe. You put the team first. And this is a military tradition that I really envy, which is first is the team. Everything's about the team. Then comes the self. And only the self comes later. So when military teams come back from an AWP, they'll first deal with the team gear. Then they'll deal with the squad gear. And then they'll deal with their individual gear. And then they can go home.

11:01 So it's always team first. And I believe that you should put your team first. And for me, that means my family. Next up is a man controls his emotions for the benefit of others. So you don't say mean things to a woman, no matter how bad she pisses you off. You don't snap at your kids and say things that are going to create metaprograms in their brain that are going to fuck with them for the rest of their life. You even bite your tongue when your friends say something mean about you.

11:26 You control yourself. You lead by example. Such as this COVID-19 thing, right? Everybody's freaking out. Everybody's having a different emotion. What are you going to do? I'm trying to be an example to my entire family out here in Colorado. Hey, no big deal. This is an opportunity. Let's get things done. Let's look at the positive of this. And even to you guys, I'm trying to be a leader and be like, hey, this is a great opportunity to go into quarantine, to go into solitary confinement and better yourself.

11:56 And I believe that's what a leader does. Have I been scared here and there? I mean, I guess a little bit more for like the economy, but I'm not going to show that to the people who matter most in my life, right? I'm not going to show that to Marissa. I have to be a leader to her and I'm definitely not going to bring that energy around my daughter. What my daughter needs right now is to feel safe. And that's my job. That's my responsibility. I'm responding with ability to what she needs and that's safety and love.

12:24 All right. A man is courageous and courage, as you know, means you feel the fear, but you do it anyway. So during your journey of self-development, you're going to have to go into your fears. This is an inevitable thing that you're going to have to do. And brother, I'm doing it along with you. You and I are fighting side by side as brothers in the trenches going into our fears, doing that which scares us. As the old saying goes, the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

12:52 And that's so true. And that's what a man does. Next, the man is towards thinking. And towards thinking means going towards your goals, focusing on the end result, putting things in positive phrases rather than negative. So when I ask guys, hey, hey, bro, why do you want to get girls? I listen very carefully to what they say. And this is part of the vetting process that I do when a client first hires me. If he says I don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want to settle for a girl who isn't really up to my speed, I'm tired of being lonely.

13:26 And it's all like in the negative phrase. I know that there's an issue there that he's not in his towards masculine mentality. Masculine is I want to get girls because I want to be able to have sex with the most beautiful girls in the world. I want to pick the absolute best chick I can. I want a girl who's going to support me and help me become a millionaire as she too becomes a millionaire. I want a woman who's going to be a great mom, a great wife, a great example to my kids.

13:53 All these are positive. They're towards thinking. And that's what a man does. He's focused on what's the next step. What's next? Let's go. Drive fast to keep the accidents behind you. All right. Now, you knew I was going to say this next one. In my opinion, a man learns how to attract women. So important. Why? Because this is one of the most powerful, innate drives that we have inside our hearts as men. Every single man, at least most men who are heterosexual, wants nothing more than to get that fine ass girl in his bed.

14:30 And any guy who denies that is just fucking lying because he's scared. When we picture a man in our minds, we picture a guy who has his shit together, is masculine, tough, and he has a hot woman on his arm. An attractive woman, a successful woman, a woman with a great head on her shoulders. This is what we picture when we picture a man. So if you're not learning how to get girls, which you guys clearly are, you wouldn't be listening by now if you weren't.

14:56 If you're not learning how to get girls, then you're being creepy and you're being cowardly, in my opinion. Creepy because when you approach a girl with the wrong style and you do all the creepy things that guys do when they don't know what they're doing, you creep her out. And cowardly is because a lot of these guys are terrified to learn how to do this because, yeah, it's scary. Approaching a strange girl on the street who's really hot and you might get rejected in front of other people, that is scary.

15:22 And for many guys, that's almost as scary as public speaking or even death. So when you go into that and you face your fears, systematically as I show, obviously I'm not going to have you go and just get blown out. And when the concussion hits, your fucking pants fly off. I'm not going to put you in that situation. But when you ease into it and you open and eject and you get better at it and then one day you see a hot girl and you're like, look, I've built up to this point.

15:46 I'm going to go talk to her. And you go talk to her and she lights up because you give her a nice compliment. And you walk away and you're like patting yourself on the shoulder like, dude, you're a fucking man. That's not a coward. That's courageous. And that's what a man does. Next is you are internally validated, which means you get your validation from inside yourself. Now, this is an optimal state that we're all trying to reach and none of us are probably there yet. But we get there little by little, step by step.

16:16 And what that means is you don't look for compliments from the outside. You don't look for the number of girls you've had sex with to feel like you're good enough. You don't see how many girls have swiped on you on Tinder to feel like you're attractive enough. No, you know you're attractive enough because it comes from within yourself. Now, an interesting side note of this is, is when you get internal validation, you naturally control the frame. Why? Because when you're internally validated, you're not looking to buy into other people's frames.

16:44 You're not looking to get validated by them. You're not going to supplicate to them. You're not going to qualify yourself to them. You don't care what happens. You don't care what they think. This all sets the precedence of you controlling the frame. So being a man means being internally validated. I'm good enough. I am enough. Why? Because I am. That's it. I just am. Now, a lot of you guys, probably most of you, who are struggling with women, as I have too, and I definitely had this, feel that I'm not enough.

17:15 I'm not enough for a hot woman. So what do you do about that? Well, you can hire a coach like me to literally remove that metaprogramming surgically from your brain, or you can start changing your thoughts and choosing new thoughts that are conducive to that belief system, that I am enough. So if you say to yourself, man, she's out of my league, or I'm not enough for her, you say, ah, ah, ah, wait a minute, erase that, and then you replace it with something that you can believe.

17:42 I'm getting better, I put my basis of self-worth on the fact that I'm working hard rather than the results, which is a big thing. You always want to put your basis of self-worth on the fact that you're trying, you're working, you're being courageous. Fuck the results. You can't control the results. You can't control how a girl feels about you, so why even try? Instead, put it on the fact that you did it, that you had the courage to step out and try it, then you can feel good about yourself, and that all goes within being internally validated.

18:13 Next up is he is a leader. People trust in his masculinity. He is decisive and trusts his own instincts. He's not afraid to take the reins, and if things go wrong, he takes full ownership of it. Something goes wrong with the baby in my house, that's on me, man. Like, even if the babysitter's watching her, or even if Marissa's watching her, I am responsible for taking care of this household. I am the protector, the provider, and the presider. It's my job, my responsibility to take care of her, and I'm the leader in that way, so I take full ownership of it.

18:48 And if something goes wrong, hey, dude, it's on me. All right, number 14, and the second to last one is he does what's uncomfortable to do what's necessary. A lot of us let procrastination rule us. Well, what is procrastination? It's the fear of pain, isn't it? Anytime I procrastinate on something, for example, my taxes, which I admit to you I procrastinated on, is because I just didn't want to go through the hassle-hoff of doing my taxes. It's painful. But a man does what's uncomfortable to do what's necessary.

19:22 He goes into pain willingly, and a little side benefit here is when you do something that you don't want to do, it actually raises your testosterone. And that's why we can picture a man with high testosterone is because he's doing the shit he doesn't want to do. He's fixing the busted tire, or he's cleaning up the mess in the garage, right, during COVID. He's taking care of shit that he really doesn't want to do because that's what a man does. He lays the foundation for his family to be successful.

19:51 If mice get into the house, right now we're having kind of like a mouse infestation, and I'm killing those fuckers left and right, dude. I got my trap game on point. But if mice get into the house, and let's say some of their poop gets into my baby's food, that's on me, man. I'm supposed to protect her. I got to do what's uncomfortable and deal with these disgusting mice and kill them all so that they don't, you know, get into the house. That's what a man does.

20:16 Now, lastly, and this is so fascinating to me. I love this, and I saved it for the last because I just think this is so awesome, is if you look at a silverback gorilla tribe, who is the one who nurtures the child gorilla who hurt his hand while playing with his sister? You would think it would be one of the moms in the tribe, but it's actually the silverback. It's actually the leader. It's the tribal leader who is the most nurturing, and he's the one who is the conflict resolution agent.

20:48 If there's two gorillas getting in a fight, he comes over and says, come on now, guys, let's get along. Let's get together here. And that's the interesting thing about being a man because we can picture being a man as pure masculinity. But the truth is, is that there's always a little bit of femininity in someone who is a true man, in someone who is truly masculine. It's the yin and the yang symbol. Remember that like TNC logo or the yin and the yang? There's a little bit of feminine in the masculine.

21:16 Well, the real silverback, the real man is nurturing. He cares for his family. He cares for his friends. I care about you guys. I care about my clients. Truly care. And I think that's part of the reason I get so many clients is because you can like feel that from me. Like this dude fucking cares, man. Like he really wants to help genuinely. And that's what I believe a silverback does. That's what I believe a man does is he is the one who takes responsibility to care for everybody.

21:42 Make sure everybody's good. Imagine the Native American tribal leader, the chief, right? He's in his tent smoking his pipe and he invites in the little squaw who's having an issue with her brother. And he sits quietly and he listens to her. And he's very comforting and consoling and nurturing. And then he just gives out some epic advice, right? And she's just blown away. And she leaves his tent feeling great. She understands how to solve the problem. And he just did something amazing. He used femininity as a man to solve the problem.

22:14 And I believe that's what a man does. All right, guys. So once again, those are just my 15 ideas of what I feel it means to be a man. Certainly, there's other ones that could be added to that and maybe it would even warrant another podcast in the future. But I believe that these are extremely important. And I think if we're all working genuinely to try to master even half of these, then yes, we can call ourselves a man. But more specifically, if we are self-developing, if we are trying to grow, if we are trying to better ourselves and live virtuously like Maximus from Gladiator, right?

22:49 Be that virtuous example to the rest of the tribe, then we too can call ourselves a man. All right, guys. I thank you so much for listening to this podcast. I really do appreciate it. If you leave me a review, hit me up, coachmarksingh at gmail.com. You can also find out more about my coaching at coachmarksingh.com. And I will see you in the next podcast.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.