When Life is Painful, Know What You Can Control (#1 Life Lesson)

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, gentlemen? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. I really do appreciate it. Today, we are going to talk about external versus internal control, an NLP concept, as well as a concept from Stoicism, and specifically from the philosopher Epictetus. This philosophy has really helped me throughout my life because I've clinged on to what this philosophy says not to cling on to.

0:43 And when I realized how life really works, when I realized what I was doing was absolutely stupid and causing me tons of suffering, tons of unnecessary suffering, once I got that solved, I became 100 times happier. So I'm really excited about sharing this with you guys. I took some awesome notes on the subject, so I can't wait to show this to you. Before I jump into the content, I want to let you know, brother, that 2022 is about to start. And my question for you is, what have you done this year to improve yourself with women?

1:13 Listening to this podcast, perhaps, perhaps you've invested in a few programs, but have you really gotten the results that you want with women? Are you really at where you want to be? I can tell you, probably 90% of you guys, the answer to that is no. And while you've been trying, and I smack you on the ass for that effort, if you haven't gotten the results that you want, then maybe something needs to change. Now, the reason I'm saying this is because it's December, and I always get super ridiculously unbelievably busy in January.

1:41 Everybody makes those New Year's resolutions, says this is going to be the year that I finally get women. And you know what? That's cool. I like that. I respect it. And I'm here for you if that's what you want to do. But let me give you a little hint. It is going to be so busy. I'm probably going to be out probably eight weeks when it comes to my free one-on-one breakthrough session where you and I can meet. And right now, I'm still busy, but there is more availability than there will be next month.

2:05 So if you want to do that, I suggest you shit or get off the pot. That is to say, brother, you should sign up now because this is going to get absolutely insane in January when everybody comes out of the woodwork. So listen, contact me right now. Put in your application. You and I will get on the schedule, and you'll probably get one of those appointments closer to the start of the new year than you would if you waited until the new year. And you can get started becoming attractive to women when the year actually starts rather than possibly March or even April.

2:35 So again, brother, if you want to meet with me, I suggest you do it sooner rather than later because that shit is going to get busy. To do so, go to CoachMarkSingh.com. Click on Coaching. There's a super short application. Fill that out. I will send you my schedule, and you and I will get on that free one-on-one breakthrough session together. All right, boys. I'm really excited about this one, so let's go ahead and jump into it. So to preface this episode, I want to talk about how people cling far too much to the outside world.

3:02 They cling to circumstances. They cling to things that are way outside their control, and their happiness is essentially based on those things that are outside of their focus of control. So things like the weather, things what other people do, things what the economy is doing, things what the world is doing, things that they can't control, but their happiness is completely tied up into it because they are essentially attached to circumstances being perceived as positive, right? We all want everything to work out for us. We all think that the means justifies the end.

3:36 And for a lot of us, we're living in the future saying, when this, that, and the third happens, then I will be happy. It takes a strong heart to admit that within yourself, but I can guarantee a large percentage of you guys listening are living this way that you think the future is going to be better because you think that today things are good enough due to circumstances. You don't have the right job, you don't have the right girlfriend, you're not making the money you want, you don't have the right friends, whatever it is that is lacking in your life, we tend to focus on that, and we tend to not be happy because of it.

4:09 Therefore, circumstances that are completely outside of our control are dictating our happiness. Do you think that's a smart way to live? Has that worked for you up to the present moment? Obviously not. If you're anything like me, you have clinged far too much to those circumstances, those transient things that will eventually die and or not give you what you want in the present, and you're miserable because of it. Listen, I lived this way for a long time until I realized how unbelievably stupid it is, and here we go with the philosophy of Epictetus.

4:40 This Stoic philosopher points out quite truthfully that there's certain things that are simply outside of your control, so it's stupid to try to control them. That instead, we should let go of them and focus on those things which we can control. So a basic sum up of this philosophy is only care about those things which are in your control. Those things that you can't control, let it go. Stop trying to control it, and for God's sakes, don't let your happiness be dictated on those things which are outside of your control, which we're going to go into in a moment.

5:15 An example of this is from something that happened to Epictetus himself. He was exiled because back in the day, philosophers, those with radical viewpoints, those guys who were trying to help humanity as well as help themselves, were oftentimes exiled. They were murdered like Socrates was poisoned. He was made to poison himself because of his philosophies, and he was exiled, Epictetus was. So when he went into exile, he had two ways to perceive it. Okay, so first of all, could he control whether or not he was exiled?

5:44 Not really. He was who he was, unapologetically so, I might add, and therefore that resulted in him being exiled from society. So there's two ways he could have perceived that. He couldn't have done the whole, poor me, I've been victimized, I've been exiled, my life fucking sucks. What the hell am I going to do now? Get depressed, masturbate in a puddle of his own tears, and then eventually commit suicide. Or he could have done what a fucking man does, and that's take control of his perceptions.

6:13 Knowing what happened to him was outside of his control, but what was in his control was his perception of it. So instead of doing the whole woes me attitude, he instead looked at the bright side, the glasses half full, every cloud has a silver lining. He said, well, now I have tons of free time to do what I want. I don't have to deal with people. I can work on my philosophies. He was banished to an island, I believe, and don't quote me on that, but he basically saw the positives in it and then continued his philosophy.

6:42 And consequently, we're now talking about his philosophies thousands of years later. So let's talk about the things that we can control. Okay? We can control our effort, which I always say, whenever you approach a woman, you don't give a shit about her reaction, but instead you care about your effort and the courage that it took to go do it. And that's where you place your feelings and your pride in yourself for having the balls to do it. The next thing we can control is our character.

7:07 After that is our integrity. To me, integrity is super important because your word is one of the most powerful things in your life, one of the most powerful things in the universe, and it is completely within your control. That's why I say, brother, your confidence is seriously wrapped up into your word. Every word you say, by definition, should be a promise. If you say you're going to do it, you must follow through. Otherwise, people won't trust you, and most importantly, you won't trust yourself. Your word is definitely within your control, and that's why we, as elite men, take it so damn seriously.

7:42 Your beliefs are another thing you can't control, and a lot of people don't know this, and this is really a central tenet to my coaching, which is revolved around NLP, Neuro Linguistic Programming. Belief systems are usually given to us within the first 10 years of life. We are in a mild state of hypnosis, and we usually adopt our dad's or our mom's belief systems. Well, belief systems, BS, can be changed because they are, in effect, just illusions. They're phantoms, and they can be removed as quickly as they were installed.

8:13 So when you know that you can choose your belief systems, and when you know that your belief systems will not only dictate what you attract to yourself in life, but also dictate your experience by way of focusing on what you can't control and letting go what you can't control, there's a belief system right there, you really can get the life you choose. So your belief systems are definitely within your locus of control. Obviously, things like diet, sleep, your fitness, what you do every day, how you spend your time, how you treat people, whether or not you lie.

8:47 Basically, how you go about this world and what your character is. That's all within your control, and those are the things you should focus on. Things you can't control are things like your reputation, things like the weather, things like other people's actions, such as bad drivers. How frustrated do we get when there's an idiot driver in front of us or comes speeding by us and puts our family in danger? It's an extremely frustrating thing, but you can't control that person, so let go of it. Let go of it.

9:16 I've done that recently where if somebody's driving like an idiot, I'm like, you know what? He's probably having a bad day. It literally has nothing to do with me. Even if he cuts me off, it really has nothing to do with me. It's all about him. So I'm able lately, not all the time, but lately I'm able to let it go, get into a different lane, just avoid the dude, and go about my day because I'm not going to let something I can't control, this idiot on the road, affect me.

9:40 Because if you do that, then you're essentially giving him control and letting him make your day miserable. How bad does that suck? And all of us do it, right? We all have road rage. We all want to be a mushroom cloud land motherfucker. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I have visions in my head where I can call in an airstrike and have a couple F-16s come through on a gun run and just blow that motherfucker up. But as I grow in my maturity, as I step into more of an elite man status, I realize you can't control people, so don't fucking try.

10:09 Let it go. Go about your day because if you let them get into your reality, you're showing that you have a weak frame and they have essentially frame-controlled you into misery. How much of your day is ruined by other people's actions? Now, let me ask you this. Is it your fault or is it their fault? I think by way of what I'm saying, you know what the answer is. That's right. It's your fault, bro. If you let anybody affect you, if you get triggered, if you get angry, if you get offended in any way whatsoever, that's your fault because you can't control people.

10:41 And to try to control people is stupid. The more you try to control people, the less you'll be able to. So let it go, brother, because it ain't going to happen. Other things we can't control are things like the economy and also the collapse of the dollar bill, the collapse of the economy, a volcano erupting like Yosemite National Park erupting, a meteor coming into the world, anything like that. And it's so funny to me. You get these preppers, right? You guys all know what I'm talking about.

11:08 I watched this show. I think it was called Preppers or something like that. It was so fucking stupid because each prepper had his or her own opinion about what the end of the world was going to look like. And they were only prepping for that eventuality. Like one person thought a meteor shower was going to come. So they got all these gas masks and like scuba tanks and had a route to get out of the city. And then another person thought the dollar bill was going to collapse.

11:31 So they had a route to get out of the city and live in the forest and basically survive in the way that they thought something was going to happen. How stupid is that? Because what you think is going to happen probably won't happen. And if you're only prepping for one single thing, which again is completely outside of your control, you're going to be screwed when the other thing happens. Like when meteorite dude was correct and volcano girl was incorrect, volcano girl is screwed. Like why the fuck would you do that?

11:56 It is such a mentality based on the metaprogramming of trying to control every little thing in your life. But as Epictetus teaches us, one of the biggest things you realize when you evolve in your consciousness, when you become more wise, is that there's a ton of shit in this life you can't control. And actually, part of the art of living is giving up control, surrendering, as I'm going to talk about in a couple episodes about the magic of surrender. It's not what you think. I want you to come back and listen to it.

12:23 But it's an extremely important stoic philosophy that there's tons you can't control. You'll never be able to control it no matter how hard you try. So stop trying. Be at peace. Live with equanimity. And instead, by the way, when it comes to the preppers, train yourself. Eat right. Exercise. Control your money. Because when you're highly trained, then you can deal with whatever eventuality comes. And by the way, when you go into pain willingly, when the pain of an economic collapse, your mom dying, something horrible happens to you outside of your control.

12:57 When you've taken control of the mechanism, which is you, when you get coaching, when you work on NLP, you change your belief systems, you get highly trained in martial arts, you run a tight battleship as far as like diet, fitness, and discipline is concerned. Then when those calamities come, which are outside of your control, you can deal with them and control your reaction to them because that is within your control. All right, now the most important thing we can't control, boys, is women. Can we? You cannot control a woman.

13:26 I don't care how many fucking prenuptial agreements, how many papers you sign, how many handshakes you make with her or promises you in her exchange about not cheating on each other. Her not leaving you or sleeping with another dude when she's traveling through Europe, you cannot control her. You cannot control other people. That is like one of the biggest epiphanies I've ever had. And it's pretty recently that it happened. 44 years it took my stupid ass to figure this out. You cannot control women. So don't fucking try.

13:54 The less you try to cling onto her, the more you're going to actually have her. It's like a hand in the wind. When you try to grab the wind, the wind goes around your hand. But when you open it, which is a metaphor for letting go, you possess the wind completely. It's the same thing with the woman. You cannot control a woman. So never fucking try. And for you guys who are controlling, it's because you have a scarcity mindset. You think that she's going to leave you.

14:19 And you think in your mind that you can control things that are actually outside your locus of control. And that's easily reprogrammed with NLP. If that's your issue, I've worked with many men who have had that and I've helped them transcend it. So Epictetus teaches us that you can't control objects, people. You cannot control power. Either the power that's been given to you or the power that's been taken from you. He also talks about how we suffer losses before they actually happen. And this goes back to one of my favorite quotes, which is by Mark Twain, which is, I've had a life full of many problems, most of which never happened.

14:55 So we suffer calamities by imagining the worst case situation in those things that are outside our control. This too is the reason guys get super controlling over women is because they imagine her going to Hawaii, meeting a guy who's better looking, has more game, is richer, whatever meta program you have and whatever you're afraid of. We imagine it. Then we suffer the consequences of something that hasn't even happened. And then what we actually do is we push her into that circumstance more quickly by the law of attraction and by being extremely unattractive, therefore pushing her into that eventuality.

15:31 Isn't it crazy how stupid we are, man? I mean, I've done this so many times. So when I came across this philosophy several years ago, I was like, man, this is so true. I love this stoicism. I love philosophy. And, you know, I really consider myself a philosophizer. And that's what I love to do almost more than anything else. I'd say it's about equal with talking about how to get girls because I absolutely love that too. But this philosophy, this art of living, as I call it, is such a passion of mine.

16:00 So if you're still listening at this point, I really do appreciate it. All right, so how do we control our reaction to those things that are outside of our control? Isn't that a cool sentence? How do we control our reaction to those things which are outside of our control? Well, first of all, you have to accept things as if you have chose them. This is done by basically seeing the good in those things which originally may be perceived as bad. This is also one of the biggest tenets of what I consider the art of living, one of the pillars of being happy, which is no matter what happens, if you really lay down to think about it, there's usually as many positive things that come out of it as negative things that come out of it.

16:41 My dad dying when I was 10 years old, for example, if I were to write down the positives that came out of it and the negatives that came out of it to be 100% honest with you just because of the circumstances and just because the way things played out, I would even think that the positives outweighed the negatives. And if you look at any calamity through your life, that's usually the truth, isn't it? Specifically when enough time has passed that the calamity has resolved itself. Because when the calamity is happening, and this is so huge, guys, I really want you to listen.

17:11 When the calamity is happening and a calamity is something bad, okay? When something bad happens to you, at that point, you don't see the total picture. You don't see the total picture. So you judging it as bad is kind of stupid. Can you see why that is? Because all the circumstances, all the lessons, everything that is positive that could possibly come out of that quote unquote bad thing haven't yet manifested. So what we do as unapologetic alpha silverback elite men is we hold back our opinion and in fact, make yourself see what you want to see.

17:48 This is one of the biggest lessons of life that absolutely changed my life. It's the old offspring. Remember the band offspring? There's actually a song that has that line in it. You got to make yourself see what you want to see. And I always thought that was kind of a stupid line. But as I became more developed, I was like, whoa, that is really deep. That no matter what happens, you can always see positives in it. You can always choose your reaction to it. You can always control what's internally inside of you, which is your reaction, your thought process, how you respond to it, responsibility, responding with ability to those things that come into your life that are outside of your control.

18:29 Okay. Like a girl, you really like her. You want to date her and she breaks up with you. Initially, that may seem like the most horrible thing ever. But what if that propelled you to come sign up with me? Take my three-month coaching course. Then you go out and you meet a girl who's twice as hot, twice as awesome, twice as honorable, twice as funny, the best girl ever. And you end up marrying her. Can you say that that girl breaking up with you initially is a bad thing anymore?

18:52 No, because what you did is you took control of your reaction to it, took control of that which was in your control, which was coming to sign up with me and my coaching program, going out there, putting the effort out there, learning this skill set, which by the way, is in your control as well, and letting go of what women think of you. And then consequently, they get super attracted to you. Then you meet a goddamn 10 who turns out to be your wife and you're the happiest dude ever because you took control of your reaction.

19:21 So let's go back to that offspring line. Make yourself see what you want to see. This is so important, guys. In fact, I would say this is probably the most important lesson of all of life, is that you have control of your perceptions. So see things as you want to see them. And it sounds contrived and it may even sound cheesy to some of you. And I dare say I've thought that myself, that, oh, the glass is half full. Every cloud has a silver lining. But it's so true, boys.

19:46 And it takes strength to think that way. It takes strength to see the good in things. It takes strength to have a calamity befall you and see the good in it. It's easy to be pissed off. It's easy to feel victimized. It's easy to get triggered and offended. And that's derived of weakness. It's derived of weakness. Sure, you can change something in society. I'm not saying that the government is outside of our control. I'm not saying that things like hunger, famine, and all the negatives we have in the world, we should just surrender to them and say, well, they're there.

20:17 I shouldn't do anything about it because it's outside of my control. No, you can still control those things. But at the time you're doing it, you're still unaffected inside. And seeing that even those things that seem absolutely horrible set up the precedents for positive things. There would be no charity without famine. We wouldn't have the stage to show our compassion and love for other people unless there was a lot of negativity in this world. So, yeah, even the negativity has its place. And the negativity that has happened in your life, that is sometimes the most influential and powerful thing that will ever happen to you.

20:51 Like my panic attacks, agoraphobia, suicidal tendencies that I went through in my 20s was literally the best thing that ever happened to me. Why? Because I overcame it. Now I have this podcast. Now I'm a coach. Now I'm literally helping millions of men around the world. Pretty fucking good result if you ask me. Therefore, it was worth it. You got to make yourself see what you want to see. All right, boys, this podcast is getting pretty long, so I'm going to rifle off the last few notes that I took on this.

21:16 Epictetus had a great philosophy where he saw the things that he owned as simply borrowed. It's kind of like staying in the hotel for a night or renting a car. Why is it that we cling so much to our own vehicle? It's because that little word, mine, creates such an attachment in our heads that many times when something happens to that car, we get butthurt and we feel really emotionally connected to it. He says to view your possessions as simply borrowed because it's likely you'll sell your car eventually.

21:46 It's likely the home that you own will eventually be sold. It's likely your friends will move on and go make other friends. It's likely girls you'll be with will probably marry some other guy. So you're borrowing that person, that car, that fill-in-the-blank for a previous time, and then you simply give it back when you're done with it or it's taken from you. Right now, I have an ATV that I really like. I love the fucking thing. But I always see it as somebody else's ATV because I know I'm probably going to sell it and get another one.

22:14 And right now, somebody's borrowing the ATV that's going to eventually be mine that I'm going to borrow and then give it to somebody else or take it to the junkyard at the end of its life and be done with it. This is the way to let go of attachment to our possessions. So I want to end this by going back to what I talked about when it comes to reputation, when it comes to women. Brother, you absolutely cannot control what people think of you. So let it go.

22:38 Stop caring. Stop trying because you can't control. And listen, your safety is no longer linked to your reputation as the way it was when we were in tribal communities. The reason why a lot of us, and probably you included, have a lot of fear about what people think of us, have a lot of fear of rejection, is because that reputation that being rejected in front of the tribe during tribal times, like a thousand years ago, could have gotten you killed. So a lot of us don't want to get rejected.

23:08 A lot of us are super afraid of what people think of us because we think it's literally interconnected with our safety. But now, in modern days, it really has nothing to do with it. I've been rejected thousands of times by girls. I've fucked up my reputation in certain circles. And it really had nothing to do with my health and safety. So I've let go of that. And what's interesting is the less you care about what people think of you, the more they actually like you because you're free from the good opinion of others.

23:37 Therefore, you can act naturally and you can be genuine. And there's nothing more likable than a dude who is genuine. You can control how genuine you are. You can control not giving a shit what people think of you. You can control doing the right thing in all situations. You can control being a man of your word and being down to the penny honest. Every word you say by definition is law in the universe. When you act that way and not give a shit about outside circumstances, which are beyond your control, people like you more, you attract more money, you attract all the circumstances, outside circumstances, that you were originally clinged to.

24:17 And by clinging to them and needing them, you're actually pushing them away from you. What's ironic about life is the more you let go of something and the more it comes to you. It's so weird the way it works, but that's true. And when a situation befalls you, don't forget, man, you got to make yourself see what you want to see. It is the most important lesson of life and definitely the most important lesson of this episode. All right, gentlemen, I do appreciate you listening. I got another awesome one dropping on Thursday.

24:42 I want to remind you, listen, what's out of your control is how many people sign up to my coaching program in the coming month. I'll tell you, 2022, my podcast has grown to the top 1% and I'm going to make it even bigger and bigger in 2022. I honestly don't know how long I'm going to be accessible to you guys. I'm thinking it's not going to be for much longer with the exponential rate that this is growing. I don't have control as to how fast this thing grows, so I'm just kind of long for the ride.

25:09 I'm kind of enjoying it. And you know what? When this podcast is taken away from me, that's all right. I'll start something else. I'm simply borrowing this. I'm borrowing your ear and I do appreciate you listening. But man, if you want to get on the call with me, if you want to join my three-month coaching program, I cannot stress enough. You should do it now, man. Pull the trigger in December because the shit is about to get busy. Go to CoachMarkSingh.com. Click on Coaching. Fill in the short application.

25:36 Press the Submit button and you and I will get on that one-on-one coaching call together. I do appreciate you listening, boys. I got another awesome one dropping on Thursday, so stay tuned for that one. And I will see you in the next episode. Unless I don't. We'll see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.