10+ Hilarious Things to Say to Girls

0:00 Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, gentlemen? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. I really do appreciate you. The last few days, we've been doing some really cerebral type of content, so I want to keep it really lighthearted today. Just tell you about some funny things that both myself as well as my friends and clients often say to women. Some of these are from me that I created just from years of doing this kind of stuff, talking to girls over and over again.

0:44 Some of these are from clients. A couple of them are really good. That came from clients. And of course, some of them are from friends. But as you begin to talk to women and you get into similar conversations over and over again, you're just going to come up with stuff like this. So take the ones you like, throw out the ones you don't. Once again, we're just being lighthearted here. Don't spaz out if these don't work for you, if you don't like them. Take the ones you like, leave the ones you don't.

1:07 Don't talk to me about it, okay? I'm just trying to give you good content. So without further ado, gentlemen, we're going to make this one quick. We're going to jump straight into the content. So obviously, when you're talking to girls, you want to make them laugh. You want to have lots of content to say. And there's these little sayings that I always like throw into my conversations with girls. The first one, for example, and I may have said this before, is when I get a girl's phone number, when I'm walking away, I always want to leave her on a high note, right?

1:35 Preferably, when you're walking away from a woman, when you are closing out the conversation, you want to try to make her laugh. So usually in a conversation, we're talking. I'm like, hey, I got to get going. You seem pretty cool. Why don't you toss me your phone number and we'll catch up some other time, okay? She puts her phone number in my phone and then I say, I promise to text you 5,000 times until your cell phone overheats and burns a hole in your purse. And then she laughs and then I say, hey, it was good to meet you.

1:59 Take it easy. Or I'll say, hey, listen, I understand that you text guys a lot. I know you're going to text me more than 5,000 times, but relax because my cell phone overheats and burns my leg every time. And I have like enough burns on my leg as it is, okay? Or I'll say no calls after 2 a.m. I get enough of those as it is. So you just want a little laugh out of her. But I really like the, I promise to text you 5,000 times in a row until your cell phone overheats and burns a hole in your purse.

2:31 Makes them laugh every single time and it leaves them on that all important high note. All right, funny thing number two. Many times when I'm talking to women, I'll accuse them of stalking me. I'll call them stalker, Texas ranger, which is really funny. And oftentimes I'll say, hey, listen, I know you're a stalker. I've heard about you. I read your file. Don't leave the damn ladder leading on my house like all the other girls do. Please put it away. Okay, you can have your sniper hide in my backyard.

2:56 I know you got a rifle trained on me. You got the little red dot pointed on my chest when I'm doing my speedo dance in the window. In my speedo all oiled up like a freaking dancer. Don't put the red dot on my chest. It freaks me out. And god damn it, put the ladder back in the garage. So many other girls leave it resting on the house and it drives me crazy. So when you stalk me and then tell her what to do and what not to do, right?

3:23 So like when you stalk me, would you mind bringing me some morning donuts? I really like donuts in the morning. Just leave them on. Leave them on the porch and leave me some orange juice as well because I really appreciate that. And for god's sakes, put the ladder back in the garage. And you know, when you try to sneak into my window, it's a little creepy. So just knock on the door. Okay, I know you're living out there. I know you got your sniper hide. And that's what you guys want to do is accuse these girls of stalking you.

3:50 So powerful. Another thing I like to say, and this is number three, is you and my grandma should totally go pick up guys together. Part of the reason I say that is because I'm older. So many times when I go into the bars or the nightclubs or just talking to girls generally, I'm almost always older than they are. Okay, I'm in my 40s. Most girls I talk to are in their late 20s is kind of my cutoff point. Like 25 is usually my cutoff point now or in their 30s.

4:17 And they'll comment about how I'm so old. So when I'm talking to them and they ask me my age, I'll usually just tell them and they'll be like, oh my god, you don't look that age, right? And I'll say, yeah, you're obviously into older guys. You and my grandma should totally go pick up guys together. And it gets a little chuckle out of them. This next one, number four, is really good to use on the dating apps. And it was created by a client of mine.

4:41 He said that when girls live really far away on the dating apps, he'll be messaging with them and he'll say, you are geographically unattractive. Geographically unattractive. And this gets a chuckle out of them because they live so far away. By the way, boys, what do you do when she tries to get you to drive out to her place? Okay. So you meet a girl on the dating app. They live really far from you. And you're like, dude, what should I do? Okay. First of all, as I've talked about many times in this podcast, you should try to get her to drive to your place because the more she's putting in work, the more she's experiencing what we call cognitive dissonance, the more she's convincing herself that she likes you more than she actually likes you.

5:21 Why is she convincing yourself of that? Because she's driving far to come meet you. So we as humans do this to justify our behavior. Now, if she's not willing to drive to you, what I suggest is you guys meet halfway. Worst case scenario, you drive out to her, but anytime you drive out to a woman, always make sure she knows that you're going up there anyway. So let's say you live in Newport Beach and you got to drive down to, I don't know, Laguna Beach, okay?

5:46 Which is usually like, what, 30-minute drive. And you kind of don't want to do it because it looks low value. What I would say is, hey, listen, I'm coming to Laguna anyway. I got to pick up a surfboard. So I'll meet you down there when I'm down there. See you then. Okay. And one of the best ways to get a girl to drive to you is to say that you have an awesome thing to do in your city. You can say there's a great restaurant, there's a great event you want to do, or maybe there's a certain kind of activity that you can only do in your area.

6:13 That's a really good excuse. All right. Number five also has to do with the dating apps. What do you do when she says, I'm not comfortable with that? For example, you're DMing with her on the dating apps and you say, hey, listen, toss me your number and we'll move this over to texting. And that's something I strongly suggest you guys do, which is, hey, I don't like to text a lot on these apps. They're very inconvenient. How would you feel about tossing me your number? And we'll move this over to texting.

6:40 Okay. Many girls, not many, but some will say, I'm not comfortable with that. All right. It's so annoying. And I can feel the collective cringe from you guys on the other side who listen to this, who are like, dude, I've gotten that myself and it's flipping annoying. Okay. Why do girls do that? There's a myriad of reasons. That's a completely different podcast episode. But one of the things I like to do, just a little joke. Okay. And this is number five is to send her a picture of a pillow.

7:05 And you say, does this make you feel more comfortable? Question mark. Okay. Just that little thing of making her laugh a little bit, maybe all you need to punch past any discomfort she has of giving you her phone number. But my philosophy is if she's not willing to give me her phone number, what are the chances she's going to actually go on a date with me? Very, very low. Although I do have one client, his name is Joseph. He said that he actually pulled it off where the girl wouldn't give him her number, but she still went on the date.

7:35 And he's like, yeah, girls feel very personal about their phone number. And I'm like, it's a little odd. You know, I've never had that happen to me. Anytime the girl doesn't give me her phone number and she continues to refuse to do so, I drop her ass. Why? Because again, if she's not going to give me her phone number, what are the chances she's going to be with me on a date? Not very high. All right, the next one is number five, I think. This might be number six, but let's just go with number five.

7:59 I'm keeping track in my head, so don't be a hater. This is something I like to say to women if I'm on a date with them and we're talking and I have to leave for a second, I always say, hey, I'll be right back. I'm going to the bathroom. Talk amongst yourself for a minute. Talk amongst yourself for a minute. It's kind of like talk amongst yourselves for a minute, but it's just her. So ha ha ha. It gets a little laugh out of her. All right, the next one.

8:23 And already I've lost track because I am pausing to look through some of my notes here. I think it's number seven is, I can't believe you said that. You owe me a letter of apology due immediately. I cannot believe you said that, Sarah. You owe me a letter of apology due immediately. And oftentimes what I'll do is if I'll say something really extreme and she has an adverse reaction to it, like be like, yeah, I love animals. They're delicious, right? The old joke. And she gets really pissed off about it.

8:50 I'll be like, listen, you should not have said that. You owe me a letter of apology due immediately. So if I say something bad and she gets pissed off about it, I pretend that she said it and I reframe it saying that, dude, I cannot believe you said that. Or I cannot believe you just did that, right? Like you do something like you chuck a fucking full drink from Starbucks across the street into a trash can and it misses and explodes on the side of the building, which has happened to me once.

9:16 And I looked at her and I looked at her and I'm like, I cannot believe you just did that. You are so unbelievably immature. So I say back to her what I know she wants to say to me, kind of something funny. So I can't believe you said that. You owe me a letter of apology due immediately. You need to shut up when you talk is something to also say. Remember, fly spread disease. So keep yours closed. I said 10 boys, but obviously I always over deliver.

9:42 So I'm just going to give you a bunch. Thank God you're really funny, kind of. Thank God you are so funny, kind of, maybe, sort of. Yeah, you're a little bit funny. I really, really like that about you. One thing I like to do when getting physical with a girl, like let's say you're rubbing her back or you're doing something physical to her, is you say, does that feel good or does it feel amazing? So you're giving her two options. Does it feel good or does it feel amazing?

10:09 There's no other option. It's got to be either good or amazing, which I feel is pretty funny. I also like to say when I'm having sex with a girl and my dick is literally inside her is, is it like giving birth to a Tyrannosaurus Rex when my dick is inside of her? And, dude, it cracks him up so hard. I actually had a girl fart once. She laughed so hard. And not the greatest thing, man, when you're getting them doggy style and they fart. You can literally see their butthole open up for a split second.

10:38 Pretty freaking disgusting. Another thing I like to say when they're being kind of dumb or they say something that I don't really understand is, I'm going to need Google Translate on my phone if I'm going to keep talking to you. God, I'm going to need Google Translate if we're going to keep going with this conversation. Another one is social awkwardness is often the curse of a genius. So if she says or does something really stupid, then I'll say that social awkwardness is often the curse of a genius.

11:04 So it's kind of like a backhanded compliment, which works really well. This one I've said many times on this podcast, and I think I've given you guys well more than 10. So we're going to wrap it up with this one and then one more. Like I said, this was going to be a fast one. Wanted to deliver some funny content. We've been too serious lately, bro, with all the be your own hero and how to shape a girl's behavior like dog training, which was my last podcast.

11:28 So don't get butthurt because it's just a joke. I was just kidding. I didn't say dog training. But listen to that podcast. That one's really good. Girls always ask me, how many numbers did you get? Okay. They see me talking to lots of girls. Girls are obviously attracted to me. Just run in the fucking nightclubs like a legend, bro. Just like you're going to be if you came into my program. They always ask me, how many numbers did you get? And I always say, I got nine numbers.

11:52 One more and I would have had a full phone number. And the last one, guys, and I always save the best for last, is a frame control reversal that I'd like for you guys to try out. Okay. So anytime she questions you, she asks you a why question. Why are you wearing that hat? Why are your legs so skinny? Why are you drinking that drink? Why do you work there? Why do you drive that car? Why do you live there? Why do you fill in the blank?

12:18 Why are you talking to all these girls? Okay, is you say the real question is, which of course you guys know, those are my favorite six words in the English language. The real question is, sorry, it's four words by mistake. The real question is, why are you so focused on me? Why are you paying such close attention to me? It's a little creepy. Okay, so she's like, why is your hair like that? Okay, I kind of got the old 2003 haircut going. It's kind of like a faux hawk.

12:47 I call it my faux faux hawk. And if you're listening on audio, then you can check out the video by clicking the link in the description below of this episode. I kind of got the faux faux hawk. It's kind of a faux hawk, but it's kind of not. Girls often question it, right? It's technically out of style, but a couple people have told me since the mold it is in style, and I got it long in the back here. It's kind of in style again. So I've faux faux hawked the faux hawk back into style, dude, which is pretty gangster, bro.

13:14 Even if it was out of style, it gives a shit. So she asked me, like, why do you have that haircut? It's so 2008. I'd be like, the real question is, why are you paying such close attention to me? It's a little creepy. Okay, you're super focused on my hair. You've been staring at me. You've been watching me. I get it. But it's a little creepy. Okay, you're stalking me. You got the ladder in my backyard. Just put it back in the garage. God damn it, Sarah, all the other girls leave it resting on the house, and it drives me nuts.

13:41 And there you guys go. I just combined two of them. So if she ever questions you, say, why are you paying such close attention to me? It's a little creepy. And I've never said this one on this podcast, I believe, but accusing girls of being creepy because they're so focused on you and questioning you is gangster. So, boys, I think I gave you, if I were to guess, probably about 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. I always over-deliver. And honestly, if you think I over-deliver in this podcast, just wait until you come into my coaching program.

14:12 One of the things I purposely do is I reserve some of the things that I tell guys that I do for them when they work with me, and then I want to wow them. Why? A wise man told me once that you always want to leave people absolutely mesmerized by the service that you provide them. And that's what I always do. Not only do I do that in this podcast, always trying to over-deliver, but I really do it in my coaching program. So if you want to meet with us, get all my lines, get my vault that's stacked to the ceiling with more chick crack and things to talk about than you could ever use in a lifetime, sign up at the link below.

14:47 You're going to get on a one-on-one breakthrough session with me and my team, and we're going to discuss if we can at least 10x your results with women. And at the very least, you're going to walk away from that session with a battle action plan of what you need to do, next steps, in order to start improving your success with women. And at the very best, you're going to come join us in the brotherhood and 10x your results with women in the next three months. That's what I want to guarantee you.

15:11 And yes, I always over-deliver. Gentlemen, I drop podcasts on Mondays and Thursdays, so please stay tuned for the next one. And I will see you in the next episode. Bye-bye.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.