Dating Coach Mark Sing
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Episode 269 · July 19, 2021 · 31 min

Antifragile Masculinity: THE SPIRIT OF THE WARRIOR

About this episode

Modern media teaches us to avoid adversity, stress, and discomfort at all costs. Which makes us chase sheltered and comfortable lives. But this is not how the human body thrives. In this episode, Mark Sing discusses the concept of 'antifragile'. How we as men need to face adversity head on, and by doing so we grow, become stronger, and harden to the difficulties life is guaranteed to send our way.

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Read the full transcript Show

Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up guys? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. I really do appreciate you joining me and today we have an episode that I've been thinking about doing for about three months now. This has really been on my mind. It's been something that I've been researching, something that I've been discussing with my own coach because it's been a conundrum for me in my own life, this concept of anti-fragile masculinity, the way of the warrior, something that's just been really, really kind of bothering me in a lot of different ways.

I did a lot of research on this, spoke to a lot of people about it, meditated on it quite a bit, and it's something that I think this society as a whole really struggles with and not a lot of people talk about. I haven't found a lot of information about it, but to me, this is one of the secrets of life. This is one of the secrets of becoming more masculine. This is one of the secrets of why some guys attract women and some don't. And this is definitely one of the secrets of happiness, why some people are happy and some people are miserable.

So this all ties together and I'm really excited about doing this. So I'm going to skip all the blatant advertising and then skip asking you guys for reviews and just jump straight into the content. So to begin this episode, I want to talk about how in today's society, we live in a society of softness. You know, we cherish the idea of having a comfortable life, of having the hack that's going to make us $10,000 a week while we sit in our kitchen wearing pajamas, doing nothing. Having that convenient, comfortable, pain-free life, the pain-free life that we don't have to struggle.

We don't have to challenge ourselves. We just, everything is just made in the shade, right? It's like senoritas and margaritas as we chill poolside, just dripping in diamonds like a fucking baller. We get all the chicks we want. We don't have to go through any pain whatsoever. And that's kind of the American dream, right? What everybody wants, what's sold to us by the media, what's told to us to go for, even when we're going through school. And what's the first question people ask each other? What do you do?

Why? So we can assess how, quote unquote, successful that person is. It's all about money. It's all about image. It's all about getting that comfortable lifestyle. Even President Trump said he didn't work out because he believed that it would take away energy from him doing his other duties, right? And for those of us who do work out, for those of us who are in self-improvement right there, we know that that kind of philosophy is an absolute fallacy. It's a complete fucking lie. That in fact, that's not the way we're designed.

The way we're designed is the more you use it, the stronger it gets. The more you put pressure on it, the more powerful it becomes. We have this image that our bodies, that our lives, that this life here on this earth, which will only last about 100 years, is to be preserved, is to be protected, is to be nurtured like a trembling embryo with walls of steel around it so nothing can ever hurt it. But what I'm here to suggest to you is that that's not the way we're designed, but in fact, we are actually anti-fragile, which means the more pressure we put on ourselves, the more we hammer ourselves, the more psychological pain and physical pain that we go through, the stronger we become.

And from that, the happier we become, the more masculine we become, and most importantly, the more we harden ourselves in order to take the difficulties that life is going to throw at us. Now, I've talked about this here and there in episodes that I've done in the past, one of which is the episode about pain and fear and how you should move into that voluntarily. Because on the other side of it, when you go through it, is happiness. But in this episode, I want to specifically talk about pain and hammering your body, where you get injuries as well as enduring injuries to the mind.

I'm talking traumas. I'm talking rejections. I'm talking bad belief systems. And I'm also talking about breaking an arm, breaking a leg, breaking a rib, all of which has been happening to me when I'm going through Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I know I've been talking about it a lot. You guys are probably sick of hearing about it, but it's what I'm really into right now. And this is what's been making me think about this. I continue to get hurt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. My fingers are getting fucked up. I've broken a couple of toes, cracked a rib.

I keep getting fucking just annihilated. And part of me is like, bro, is this really healthy? Should you be doing this to yourself? Like, you know, you're actually compromising the functionality of your body by doing these things. But then another part of me looks at the warrior ethos. And the warrior ethos is the more you break it down, the stronger it becomes. So I've been discussing this with my coach. I've been researching this a lot. And one of the points that my coach brought up is that when you're injured, specifically a physical injury to your body, your body actually heals up stronger than it was before.

A bone, for example, breaks. On that seam, it's actually stronger than it was before because of the scar tissue. And this is the warrior mentality, right? All warrior societies put the recruits through tons of trauma in order to build them up. So when trauma happens in the future, they can endure it more successfully than if they didn't go through the trauma. So if you take a boxer that's been punched in the face a million times, he can endure that pain a lot easier than a guy like me who's hardly been punched in the face at all.

And I see it in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Like when I first got into it, it's kind of funny because when I first started it, by the way, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, it's like grappling. It's like wrestling for those of you who don't know. So when I first started it, I remember like this guy laid on me and I was like, this is really fucking weird because I've had so many girls lay on me in that way. And me lay on girls in that way that when a dude was on me, I was like, God, this feels fucking so strange.

And what felt even stranger was the phenomenon of being like squished by him, being fucking arm barred by him, being choked by him and feeling that feeling of helplessness. And unless you go through that voluntarily, you will not develop the strength to endure it when it happens to you in the future. But going back to our body getting injured, there's a quote that I found when I was doing my research that said the phenomenon is well studied in medicine, where, for example, Wolf's Law describes how bones grow stronger due to external load.

So this is the reason that health is directly correlated to such things as lifting weights, right? When you put load on the body, it actually grows stronger. But in our society, it's almost like we picture our bodies, we picture our lives, we picture our mentality as like that 1963 Rolls Royce that you got from the car show that you keep in your garage and you never touch because you know the more you use it, the weaker it becomes. But with our bodies, with our mind, with human beings, it's actually the opposite.

The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. And I'm starting to believe that the more pain you put on yourself voluntarily, and I'm going to discuss more about that in a second, the more you actually anti-age. Because I look at myself, I'm 44 years old. I work out six times a week. I do BJJ. I constantly move into pain willingly. I constantly go after my psychological issues. I address my traumas. I address my fear. I go into that shit willingly. And when I look at other people my age who don't do that stuff, people will sit around eating Cheetos and Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs and Dip Dips, playing video games, masturbating all the time to porn, basically leading a beta cuck lifestyle.

I compare myself to them. And now I know you really shouldn't compare yourself to others, but I just see it all the time. They just don't look as vibrant. They don't look as young. They're not as vital. They're not as happy. They definitely do not have as much energy as I do. And most of you guys go through this shit. I mean, probably 90% of my listeners lift weights, go into self-development willingly, probably address your fears head on. And I can almost guarantee a lot of you guys embrace the suck by choice.

And because of that, when you compare yourself to your friends, your colleagues, your coworkers, I believe that you too can see the difference. That when we move into pain willingly, when we understand the concept of anti-fragility, that when I put load on this body, when I actually punish it, I become not only stronger, but compared to where I'd be if I didn't do that shit, I am way ahead. I am way younger. I am actually reversing the aging process. And this is so fascinating to me because as men, as masculine men, we are all born with that warrior spirit inside of us.

This is why you see, you know, five-year-old boys playing with swords and pretending to shoot each other. This is part of our DNA and it's designed that way to keep us healthy. Your body is made healthier by almost breaking it down and injuring it so that once it heals, it becomes even better than it was before. And this is why I'm absolutely fascinated with warrior cultures, the Spartans, the samurai, and today's warriors, the Navy SEALs, the Army Rangers, you Marines out there, even dudes in the Army and the Air Force.

Like if you willingly put yourself in the warrior ethos, and of course, I'm more attracted to the spec op guys because they have, you know, more of a fundamental understanding of what that warrior ethos is, what that Bushido is. But anybody who is in the military, man, I highly respect that, but I'm especially fascinated with the SEALs and also the Rangers and also like Marine Force recon and stuff like that because they have to go through a crucible. They have to go through what the Spartans called the agogae, which is an application period where they just fucking hammer you.

If you guys have ever seen BUDS, BUDS stands for Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL Training. It's basically the first, I think, don't quote me on this, I think it's six months where they basically just hammer the shit out of you, hammer the absolute shit out of you. And I think it has a 90% attrition rate. So 90% of people quit in BUDS while they're getting pounded. Now, these guys aren't just slouches, right? Like these guys are real fucking warriors who go into BUDS and still quit because they can't hack it.

If you want to see a really interesting analysis of BUDS, you can go on YouTube. I think it's class 254. Just watch the documentary that's done on that. It is absolutely fucking fascinating. And what fascinates me and what I'm a lifelong student of is the mentality of someone who will not fucking quit. When you look at a Navy SEAL, now a lot of you guys may laugh at me because I'm kind of like a fanboy of Navy SEALs, right? And I know that's really trendy right now.

But I go more deeply into the psychology of it rather than the tactical, you know, kind of aspect of it that has society really entranced with the Navy SEALs right now. I like the psychology of it. And when you look in these guys' eyes, you can fucking see something different in them. Go check out the movie Act of Valor. Okay, again, this is kind of one of those cheesy movies about Navy SEALs. But what's really cool about it is that real Navy SEALs acted in this movie.

So all the guys who play Navy SEALs in that movie are actually SEALs. And when you look in their eyes, you can just see it. You can just see there's something different about it. Now, the acting sucks. It's actually kind of a cool movie. I actually really enjoy it. But I'm not interested in like the flashy war scenes and all that acting shit. I want to see like who the dude is. I want to see like what a warrior looks like. And I mean, let's be honest.

That there is the closest thing to what a Spartan would have looked like. A Spartan would have had cauliflower ears, scars all over his face. He would have looked like an MMA guy, right? When you look at MMA dudes who have like those really cauliflowered out ears and they look all scarred up and like they look like they've been broken down to be built back up again. Look in those guys' eyes. Look in Conor McGregor's eyes. There is something different about him that separates him from 99.99% of the other population.

And I'm telling you, there is a secret there. There's an anti-fragility there. That is the secret to happiness. Not the only secret, but it's one of the secrets. Because when he can get into the ring with another guy, when he can endure that punishment of training and getting the shit beat out of him. And you see the fucking spirit in these guys, like some MMA fights, some of those UFC fights and Pride and One and all those different fighting boot camps. You just see that fucking spirit.

It's like Rocky Balboa, right? Like Rocky IV when he's going against that Russian guy and he just fucking keeps getting back up. Will not fucking quit. I love that. I love that. That is anti-fragility at its essence. That is masculinity at its essence. I will not fucking quit. I am never out of the fight. And bro, you have that within you. So as we go through our lives as unapologetic alpha silverbacks, we have to cultivate that. Because that's a seed that's within us that has been suppressed so much by society these days.

Avoid fear. Avoid pain. Avoid discomfort. Try to get that $10,000 a month job where you have to work one hour a day in your pajamas in your kitchen from home so that you can have the good life. But I want to suggest to you that the good life is actually on the other side of doing the opposite, of going into pain willingly. A lot of you guys follow David Goggins. He too is a Navy SEAL. Look in that motherfucker's eyes. That guy is the quintessential example of anti-fragility.

If you've ever read his book, Can't Hurt Me, there's a part in there where he talks about I think his knee was like fucked up. It was super swollen. It was super fucked up. But he kept going. He kept doing these 100 plus mile ultra marathons. He kept doing this insane training where he would just completely push his body to the brink of absolute destruction. And he said that during that time his knee actually healed on its own because as he said, and I'm kind of paraphrasing here, he's like, well, this motherfucker is not going to quit.

So I better heal. I believe the human body is capable of amazing things, but you have to push it to get there. And this goes into seduction as well, guys. Like a lot of guys ask me, what book should I read to get good at seduction? I talked about this in my previous episode. There is no way to get good at seduction by just reading a book because seduction is an experiential modality. And what I mean by that is you have to get out into the field and do it.

You have to go through the rejections. You have to go through the pain. You have to face the fucking belief systems, the traumas and the bullshit in your head head on like a fucking warrior because you have that in your heart. And a lot of you guys who are procrastinating, who are cowering, who are too afraid to face it, you're not going to become the best version of yourself because the best version of yourself is locked into those things that you fear, those things that you wish to avoid because you want to avoid pain.

That's where your true essence is and that's anti-fragility. You go into it knowing that you as a human being, you as a fucking man are anti-fragile by nature so that anything that is given to you in life, you have the wherewithal to overcome it. I really believe that. I really believe that the universe, God, whatever philosophy you have is only going to give you challenges that you have the wherewithal within you to overcome. And it's going to do that to unlock the truth that you are anti-fragile, unlock the truth that you are a masculine man who is designed to overcome challenges.

And like I said in my previous episode, if you think you have it made in the shade, life moves the shade. And if you don't move into fear and pain willingly, life is going to serve it to you unwillingly and you're going to have to go through it anyway. So choose it, go into buds with your head held high and say, you know what, I am not going to fucking quit. And I'll tell you, every single guy who has passed buds, and I've done a ton of research on this because it absolutely fascinates me, said, I will fucking die before I quit.

And that right there is the warrior ethos. A few more things about Navy SEALs. Remember the movie Lone Survivor? It's about Marcus Luttrell and three other guys who got into the fight with the Taliban up in Afghanistan. Well, Danny Dietz, who's actually from Colorado, he's from Denver. There's actually a highway named after him. And every time I drive through it, I salute the sign that says Danny Dietz Memorial Highway. I believe he was shot 10 to 12 times. Please don't quote me on this. But his dad was given a speech at his funeral or he was interviewed or something like that.

And he's like, my son was shot in the legs. He was shot in the arms. He was shot in the stomach. He was completely beat up, broken bones and everything. And he didn't fucking quit. He kept going. Just imagine the heart that that guy had beating in his chest when he was undergoing that, watching his friends die, being shot at by the Taliban. And he didn't fucking quit. He literally fought until his last breath. And that happened with Michael Murphy, too, who got the Medal of Honor after he died in that fight, who crawled out willingly onto an exposed rock so that he could get cell phone reception, knowing that he was going to die, in order to call in the quick reaction force to help his buddies out who were being chewed up by the Taliban.

I mean, look at the fucking spirit in that. And then Matt Axelson, the third guy who died, fought until his last breath. That movie is absolutely phenomenal. But the book is even better by Marcus Luttrell. And then you look at Marcus Luttrell, man. Google him right now. Check out some YouTube videos. That guy is a fucking warrior. That's what a Spartan looks like. You can tell this guy has been broken down and put back together. Nothing will fucking stop that guy. He was saying while he was crawling, completely incapacitated, in order to try to get help, he would draw a line in the sand, crawl to that line.

Draw another line in the sand, crawl to that line. And he did this all night long until, as some of you guys have heard the story, he fell into a river, was drinking the water, and then another Afghanistan guy saved him, basically protected him. And then finally, the Army Rangers found him. Also, SEAL Team 6 found him. And then he was taken out. And now we have the lone survivor. But, like, think about that warrior spirit. These guys have the philosophy of anti-fragility. And Marcus Luttrell actually said, man, when I get to those pearly gates, I don't want to arrive in a perfect body.

I want to slide up there all broken and all fucked up and show God, man, I used this body. I used it for what it was intended for, to be broken down and to be built back up again. So this is my suggestion for you, and I'm talking to myself just as much as I'm talking to you guys. Every day we have shit that sucks. Every day we have shit that goes wrong. We have to embrace discomfort. You know, even simple things like taking out the trash, spilling the cereal on the floor.

Somebody says something that hurts our feelings. We get rejected by a girl. What I want you to take from this is to embrace that, to embrace the suck, to say, you know what? When these challenges come, it is making me anti-fragile because every time I'm hit with that, it grows me stronger. It's just like lifting weights. Every time you burn that muscle down, you create micro tears in your muscles. It builds back up again. And this happens psychologically. This happens emotionally. This happens in the MMA gym when you're getting hammered and you walk away hurt, but you know over a few days you're going to heal and you're going to be even stronger.

I'll tell you, when I first started BJJ, guys laying on me and absolutely crushing me to the point where I can't breathe, getting my arm in fucked up positions, twisting my neck off. It used to be so unbelievably uncomfortable for me, but now that I've been doing it for a couple of years, it's like, whatever, dude. I don't give a shit. So that if somebody breaks into my house, I'm going to be like, dude, I can take this guy. I'm not going to be uncomfortable in that quote unquote uncomfortable position when him and I go to the ground and we're wrestling with each other.

I'll be able to stay calm. I felt this a thousand times before. I can take this. Whereas somebody who's fragile, who's never done that training, who's never endured the hardship of pain, won't be able to take that. And that makes us better, not only than we were previously, but better than other people a lot of the times. And therefore, we have the ability to protect ourselves and our family. So when shit goes down in your life, that sucks, both emotionally, physically. You get in a car accident, you break your arm, something shitty happens.

Be happy about it because it is building you up and making you anti-fragile. And look, I understand breaking your arm sucks, right? Getting in a car accident sucks. Losing all your money sucks. Losing that girl sucks. It does. I'm not trying to say it's a good thing, but as men, it's our duty to choose what we want to believe, choose the experience we want to have, choose the attitudes that are going to best serve us. So if something fucking bad happens, might as well look at the bright side of it.

And this is the bright side right here. Everything that sucks is building you up. And as you get more into this philosophy, you start choosing things that suck. Then you get the courage to address your traumas willingly. A lot of you guys aren't signing up with me because you're fucking afraid to address your fears. You're afraid to go get rejected by girls, which by the way, we seriously sidestep in this program, but it's still going to happen. I'm not fucking lying to you. It's still going to happen.

You're still going to have to endure social pressure. Why do I have my guys do embarrassing things like go lay in the aisles of Target for two minutes while somebody records them to prove that it was done? Because it builds you up. It makes you anti-fragile. You realize, holy shit, what everybody thinks of me doesn't matter. I can endure the social pressure. What else am I capable of? Well, I'm probably capable of talking to a seriously hot girl and being completely normal while doing this. You're not going to learn seduction from a book because you're not going out and doing that to yourself willingly.

Unless, of course, in the book, it instructs you to do that. But what I'm saying is, as men, there is no armchair progression when it comes to building yourself up in your masculinity. Listening to this podcast is great, okay? Reading books is fine. But until you get out there and face the shit willingly, until you embrace the suck, you're not going to change that much. You're going to have some philosophies. You're going to have some knowledge. But what else has changed? Have you endured the pain?

No. Then there's not a lot of change there. Anti-fragile masculinity means that you are growing through pain. And, brother, you have no idea what you're capable of. I believe that every single man out there can get through Bud's training. I believe that. He just has to unlock that warrior within himself. And all those guys who quit, and look, I can't really comment on it because I haven't been in it myself. I probably quit myself, to be honest with you, because I don't think I'm there yet to have the strength to go through that.

But I'm working on it. But I'll tell you, all of us have the ability to get through that. But it's what's within you that counts. And I believe the more that warrior has been unlocked within us, the more likely we are to get through these travails that life is going to inevitably give to us. And how do we unlock it? The only way to unlock is through pain. That's the only way. Pain is the key that unlocks the warrior within yourself. So I look at the Spartans.

I look at the Navy SEALs. I look at the Army Rangers. And by the way, Major Zach, who was a client of mine who just graduated, he was an Army Ranger major fucking champion. And you can see it in his eyes, too. You can see that warrior spirit in his eyes. And I dare say, man, it's the same thing with me. Like, I've been doing MMA for about three years. I've been getting hammered. I can kind of start to see the change in myself. Many of my girlfriends have commented on it.

They're like, there's just something kind of different about you. There was always something different about you, but now it's different, different. And I think it's because I'm enduring that pain willingly. For you guys out there who train, for you guys out there who endure pain willingly, you should be pretty fucking proud of yourself, man. Because 99.99% of the population doesn't do it. And just imagine what's inside your heart. I believe that all you guys listening have the same heart as Danny Dietz. Danny Dietz unlocked it. And God bless that guy.

He's a fucking hero. I respect him to the utmost, and 99.99% of the population will never get there. But can we get there? Yes. I believe every single person has that within themselves. But it's the American culture that trains it out of us. I want to go the way of David Goggins. I want to go the way of the warrior, the way of the Spartans. These are fundamental ethos that have been lost through history. And our nation's military, other nation's militaries, they unlock that shit. And when I see it in people, I'm just in absolute awe.

Because I think that that's a huge missing component of most men these days. Most men are fucking pussies. And to no fault of their own, man. It's the culture that's been teaching them that. They haven't listened to podcasts like this one. They haven't done the research. They're lost. And I was lost too, man. I was a complete pussy and, you know, in a lot of ways still am. And I have a long way to go to unlock that shit within myself. But oh my hell, I was a fucking pussy.

I'm so glad to discover this. And I'm so glad that like you, I get interested in this kind of stuff. Because when we realize this, when we realize that actually happiness, masculinity, being super attractive to women, getting what the fuck we want in life happens through going into pain willingly, unlocking that anti-fragile nature that we all have within us as men, when we realize that and when we live that, it makes life so much better. There's so much more happiness. There's so much more vitality. You actually feel alive and you realize that this is part of your purpose as a man.

All right. I want to end this episode with a quote from the book that I suggested in my previous podcast called Gates of Fire by Steven Pressfield. This book is about the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae, where the 300 Spartans went against the myriad hordes of the Persians to defend Greece from their invasion. So this is one of the greatest books I ever read. And this is part of the reason that I'm so into this kind of stuff is because that book really got me thinking. And I love books that get me thinking, books that make me meditate on certain things that a lot of people aren't talking about.

And one of the quotes from this book I just absolutely love. There's so many in there, like half the book is highlighted with quotes, but I like this one a lot because I think it represents a lot of what we spoke about today. War, not peace, produces virtue. War, not peace, purges vice. War and preparation for war call forth all that is noble and honorable in a man. It unites him with his brothers and binds them in selfless love, eradicating in the crucible of necessity, all of which is base and ignoble.

There in the holy mill of murder, the meanest of men may seek and find that part of himself, concealed beneath the corrupt, which shines forth brilliant and virtuous, worthy of honor before the gods. Do not despise war, my young friend, nor delude yourself that mercy and compassion are virtues superior to Andrea, to manly valor. I love that because it talks about how war and preparation for war cultivates all that is virtuous and courageous within us as men. And when we talk about war, at least in this context, we don't have to talk about the war of another nation, the war of you against another person.

But in fact, the best preparation for war is the war of life. You are fighting a war right now, brother. Problems happen. Issues happen. You have traumas inside of you. You have psychological issues. You probably have some issues with your self-esteem, your confidence. That right there is a war. And the biggest war you're ever going to fight is the one between your two ears. How do you prepare for war? How do you unlock the strength, the anti-fragility to win that war? You know what I'm going to say.

Go into pain and fear willingly. Embrace the suck. Look forward to it. Invite it into your life. When you do that, those virtues are unlocked. You have the wherewithal to win the war. And like Danny Dietz, Matt Axelson, Mike Murphy, and all the brothers who have died in battle, you're able to face your fears with a full heart. My all-time favorite quote from that movie, Lone Survivor, is when Mike Murphy turns to Marcus Luttrell and says, never out of the fight. I absolutely love that movie.

I love the warrior ethos. All you warriors out there, all you fucking brothers fighting shoulder to shoulder with me in the trenches, keep going. Never fucking quit. Never bow out of the fight. Keep pushing until your last breath, brother. You have that warrior within you. You are anti-fragile. So keep fucking pushing. I appreciate all you brothers that listen to this podcast. It really means the world to me. If you find value in it, I very much appreciate a five-star review, preferably with some writing behind it.

You can email me at coachmarksing at gmail.com if you have any thoughts, questions, concerns, or if you did leave that review, email me and I will send you a bunch of cool shit. I'll send you three programs, Conversation Sniper, Guide to the Female Orgasm, and three texts to build massive attraction in women. I'll also slap you some videos, smack you upside the head, and call you a fucking champion because I know you have that same warrior heart beating your chest just like I do, and that's why you resonate with me.

That's why I resonate with you, and it's great to be a man, isn't it? It's great to feel that warrior within us. I love it, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. So let's embrace the suck. Let's go into pain willingly. Let's become the best fucking version of ourselves we can be and become anti-fragile. All right, gentlemen, that's it for me. I drop podcasts on Mondays and Thursdays. I do appreciate you listening. Stay tuned for the next one. I got lots of good shit like this to come, and I will see you in the next episode.

We'll see you in the next one.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.

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